New - Thinking of Another Man - Need Help

[Ivy1]

Hi all. I'm new and this site was recommended to me by a friend. I have been married three years and have a young child. I recently developed a crush at work (who may or may not even be interested) but it's put a spotlight on the apathy in my marriage.

I can't stop thinking about the other guy and there's at least the possibility that he's interested.

[dbmod]

Hi Ivy,

Welcome to divorcebusting.com! I wonder what made you think of looking for marriage-saving site?

If you are looking to change the apathy in your marriage you have to know that an affair is more likely to cause hurt and not solve the apathy in your marriage.

What were thing like when you and your H were excited about your relationship: what were you doing?

[MrBond]

Are you thinking of an A because you feel your H isn't doing it for you any more? Or are you just bored?

What you're experiencing is an emotional affair and I can tell you firsthand that it's the most hurtful thing you could do to your spouse.

Give the attention you give to the guy at work to your husband. You might say "oh but my H doesn't understand", "this guy is my soulmate", "we connect on so many levels", etc. We've heard it all.

Fact is what you're experiencing is an addiction and that "RUSH" you feel is a fix. There are a few women on here who have gone through what you have and found it not to be the perfect situation that you fantasized about. My W is one.

She thought her OM was the greatest thing in the world. Then he turned out to be a crazy loon ala Mel Gibson style.

[sandi2]

Oh Ivy, please don't go down that path. I did, and I will regret it till the day I die!

Here's the reason, Ivy:

the apathy in my marriage.

It is very easy to have a crush on another man when things become dull in your MR. Every thead that I've read on this board admits to their M becoming routine, boring, taking each other for granted, no romance, on & on. Yes, some have more serious problems,but the majority are just like yours.

A woman can get struck on OM and then she starts seeing all these things wrong with her H. Suddenly, she isn't attracted to him like she once was. She starts feeling very cold toward him. She may not admit it at first,but she even starts to lose some of her respect for him. He may be a good person and she had no intentions of hurting him.....but he just doesn't make her happy anymore. In fact, now that she thinks about it....she hasn't been happy in a long time.

But, this OM at work makes her feel.....alive. She hasn't felt like this in a long time. It must be love. Surely she wouldn't feel so strong about him if it wasn't real.

Ivy, I've been down that road before. I know exactly what you're thinking & feeling. I can tell you why you came to a Divorce Busting chat board. You are reaching out. I did that, too. However, I was trying to justify leaving my H and chosing OM over him. I'm not sure if I knew that right then or not,but that's really what I was doing. I heard stuff I didn't want to hear. But, I found some wonderful people right here on DB board,and it saved my M.

I can tell you the cure for what you are going through. Let me know when you're ready.

((hugs))

Sandi

[Espr444]

Hey Ivy, 
I don't post a lot anymore, but your story had caught my attention.  Everyone on the boards offers great advice; Sandi is great she can help out a whole lot.  

I can speak from my experience please don't continue on this path as I can tell u first hand that it truly has crushed my heart as my W started an EA with a co-worker then led to a PA.  Of course she denied it all but then I found the proof!!

It has been 9 months since I found out & it still hurts very much today.  I know I had my faults in the marriage & W had hers.  Yet I wanted to continue to work on our M.  We even had a great MC who helped us out, however my W thinks OM was/is her soulmate. Cause at this point the D is still on & we have mediation tomorrow.

I would like to hope things would change, but I don't think they will. I do want my W to be happy & I want to be happy, but until my W deals with some of her own issues(from the past) & the loss of the M I don't think she will be truly happy.

The saddess thing I ever had to do was when we had to tell our S that I was moving out.  It has been 1 hell of a year I lost my W, my family, my house & moved in 2 different apartments.  Well I can just say don't do it cause it will hurt everyone involved.  Hell this A probbly has split 2 marriages & caused a lot of damage.

I know if we did work on the M we both would have a lot to work on but it would be worth it. Instead with the help of my IC I have worked on many issues I had & Sandi as well as others on the board have helped me with this whole process.

Believe me I don't welcome this D, but I can't change her mind or how she feels.  Not that I could have dealt with the D any better, but if my W didn't have the A I think 
A: I could of dealt  with the D a little better.
B: We probably could have worked on our M, but not with OM involved.

The best thing I can say is that it hurts so much & finding forgiveness is tough but not impossible.  

Well I don't know if it helped any but I wish u luck & listen to Sandi she has wonderful advice. Heck I've probably board u with this long post as I have with Sandi with my other post!!
Well talk to ya later Hope

[gutwrenching]

I'll tag onto the great advice above. You need to clearly identify and articulate what is wrong and missing in your M. As the DB mod state, what was good before that you want back...and then very bluntly (not gently) tell your H. You might have to do this more than once, but that would have done a lot less damage to our M if my W had done that to me and I honestly believe it would have done the trick. Our M is still hanging on by a thread, but so much damage has been done by the EA that its not worth it. My strong advice is channel all your energy into trying to repair your M without any outside influences.