Time for a new thread. No more looking back. It is time to hike up, up, up, that hill and get my life back.
D3 is off with daddy on a camping trip. I am going to use this time to get a jump on making my home work for me and my daughter. No more leaving things the same in some futile hope of trying not to make H feel unwelcome. I am not responsible for how he feels. I don’t care how he feels. I think I have been giving him way too much credit for feeling anyway. Maybe I just project my own feelings onto him. If he changes his mind someday it has to be his job to let me know.
No more holding on to baby clothes or toys. No more waiting or hoping. Maybe someday I will have more children, but not any time soon. Those boxes are just weighing me down. Time for them to go to someone who needs them now.
Maybe I will have a garage sale. Hmmm. It is a bit of work, but I could use the cash.
zen - it is good to see you looking forward! Keep thinking positive and thinking about YOU. and what is best for YOU and D. It's easier said than done!!! All we can do is wake up and try each day.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Hi Zen- Wow. That b-day party must have been tough to attend. Between the SIL's announcement and H's hugs, most would not have handled it so well.
As I have said before, I am quite inexperienced to give advice so I will try not to do so. BUT, I can't help thinking that he is still doing a ton of cake-eating, literally! Share a cupcake, 2 hugs? I don't see where he is having to feel the loss at all. I am not a parent so I will admit I don't know how to balance a healthy relationship for the sake of a child. But Jeez! Why not just reach in and rip your heart out while he is at it?
Keeping a healthy relationship with the in-laws is one thing but he seems to be depending on you doing just that. That is one big safety net he is pitching for himself...
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
It really was tough, especially since it was family only. Totally out of character for my younger SIL, BTW. I am fairly sure she did that because of me & H too.
I really do feel like H is (cup)cake-eating. It makes for a really tough tightrope walk for me. I not only want to do what is best for my D, but I also do not want to lose what has been my closest family for the past 14 years.
During the short 1 hour party my H not only wanted to share his cup cake and gave me 2 hugs, but he also asked me to sit next to him, share a beer, and kept following me every time I moved away. Just so 25yearsmlc knows – no I did not take any of that as a sign that my H wants to come back.
Basically, after the first hug request surprised me, I decided to go with not offering and not refusing. Each time he did something like that I would be do what I felt was minimally polite then move away and focus on the kids, or FIL, or older SIL. I do know I should have pulled back much more, but H really did surprise me. I was prepared for the cold shoulder because that is what has happened with family around before. The best chums thing threw me for a loop.
I was not the only one who seemed to notice his chummy and somewhat clingy behavior. He got a few confused looks during the party from his family.
Basically I came away feeling like my H still wants his wife to be his wife. It’s his job as husband that he doesn’t want. I think my refusal to focus on him brought out some of his insecurities, but that isn’t my problem.
Basically I feel like that is what my H is doing. Just trying to suck me back in to be his security blanket. I keep thinking of that fish guy from Star Wars yelling: “It’s a TRAP!” now when he gets all sweet.
Thanks for sharing the article Zen. I don't know if my own H is in MLC but he sure as heck fits the article... I will have to reread that at times too. It has been about 3 wks of no conversation, just seeing each other in the hall. Only about a week since changing my e-mail password. We'll see how it goes from here... Patience is a virtue, right?
Well, one thing is apparent, you are keeping a good head on your shoulders regarding your situation. You are doing a great job. Keep up the PMA!! Keep making the choice to be joyful!!
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
I got a little over-ambitious trying to go through the baby stuff. It needs done, but I kept breaking down. Called a good friend who is trying to have a baby and asked her to come sort through it with me. I told her she could have first dibs. I need some help, but it will be good to have it done. Sending some of it to a friend will hopefully make this a little easier to let go of too.
I’m not going to beat myself up over not sorting through the baby things. I got a lot done today, and I have a plan to get this done too. I want to concentrate on what I have, not what I hoped to have.
I am spending the rest of the night being a bum. It’s a movie and bed time for me. I may even fall asleep on the couch tonight. I’m happy about that, by the way.
Cleaned up the back bedrooms as I was pulling out baby stuff to sort. Got over whelmed. Called my friend to come over and help me. Watched my movie, drank some wine. Wandered off to bed, ready to go to sleep.
You know how you just don't notice things sometimes, then they hit you?
I just had that happen.
All 3 of our camp sleeping pads are gone. Not all 3 bags. Just the pads. Sorted that whole room and didn't pick up on it till I was brushing my teeth. The big tent is gone. I checked, and all 3 camp chairs are gone. Both camp coffee mugs are gone.
Other explinations? Yes. Possibly.
Did I already believe there is an affair? Yes.
Am I hurt again? Yes, but not by the affair.
Did I ever in a million years believe he would take our baby on a camping trip with OW? No. I did not.
Can I wrap my head arroung this? No. Not yet.
My baby is there. If my H is on a camping trip with someone else, I do not know if I can do this. I can't even cry right now.
That is my baby.
Please tell me that he isn't doing this.
This isn't about me having hope. This isn't about me, or my H, or even whoever may be out there with him.
This is my baby.
I don't think I want him to come home anymore. I don't know this man.
I am broken. I failed my baby.
I am not a superhero tonight.
I think I'm tired of guessing. I'm tired of believing in him.
By now my baby is sleeping.
Tomorrow I will start to decide what to do. Tonight I have been drinking and I have taken a sleeping pill to boot. I will try to get some sleep. I'm in no shape to drive. I can't feel anything. I can't think.
Thanks Faith. I know. The glass of wine was with my movie. Supposed to be a special treat for myself. The pill was from my emergency stash that my Doc gave me when this started a month ago. After laying in bed with my head spinning, I went and got a half dose. I'm a light weight. It don't take much.
Have a lawyer appointment in the morning. Not bad timing. Will call my IC too. Just can't wrap my head arround this. Who is this man that I have loved for 14 years?
Pill has kicked in, so I am going to take advantage of it and get some rest.
