Every story has to be about something, i suppose this one says i lose my head as the feeling starts to grow you know? i can feel love thumping at the doors of my heart
feel love thump as it tears me apart feel love pump as the worrying starts i can feel love thumping at the doors of my heart again at the doors of my heart again i can feel love thump bom-bom be bom-bom.
everybody needs someone they can cling to now and then, no more defense, no more pretense no reasons to explain it
you can feel love thumping at the doors of your heart feel love thump as it tears you apart feel blood pump as the worrying starts you can feel love thumping at the doors of your heart again at the doors of your heart again you can feel love thump bom-bom be bom-bom.
this one your unity rocker, lord stick him in your living room and turn off the light eh bet you wouldn't know if he was black or white boy! say what's the use in fighting? man say, i say you shouldn't really fight tek him to a disco tek tek him to a pub eh! tek him to a blues and then you play him rub a dub eh say you shouldn't really fight, man say say you shouldn't really fight each and every day i walk through the streets and I see man and man war and kill each other because you are black or you are white so what's the use in fighting? war alright because it's strictly love and unity we a deal in today and that we will never throw away we will never throw away war alright i say just because you're brown you no fe g'wan like a clown just because you're white you no fe broke a likkle fight eh say what's the use in fighting boy i say you shouldn't really fight
everytime it happens, seem to act a little touched in this at least, you're just like me i think we think too much why can't we just
feel love thumping at the doors of our heart feel love thump as it tears us apart feel blood pump as the worrying starts i can feel love thumping at the doors of my heart again at the doors of my heart again i can feel love thump bom-bom be bom-bom bom-bom be bom-bom i can feel love thump bom-bom be bom-bom at the doors of my heart again.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It's been over 11 months since STBXH separated from my children and I after giving me two days' notice.
Since moving out, STBXH's actions have been totally consistent with a man who is intent on divorce while maintaining a decent coparenting relationship with me. There has been zero indication of confusion, second thoughts, or missing me or our married life.
I have accepted that he wants to divorce and I am acting as if that is inevitable. I don't believe that reconciliation is possible because even if STBXH had doubts, I don't think that he would be capable of doing the work necessary to make this marriage work.
I am lucky that STBXH has been a good father throughout, and has continued to support me financially, for the time being. I have had a wonderful support system IRL and here on the forum. I don't know where I would be now without it.
The D ball is rolling and we've agreed to work together on a separation agreement, hopefully without involving lawyers.
I am over grieving our M mostly. STBXH was the love of my life, but the spell is broken. Hardest to accept is the loss of our life as a family...it is very hard to accept that our children will not grow up in the intact happy family that they deserve.
SITCH HISTORY
before marriage:
* 1991 - became friends * 1992 - became long-distance lovers (not monogamous) * 1994 - started monogamous R in same city * 1995 - moved in together * 1998 - STBXH had a brief affair during a difficult period when I was depressed...it caused a R crisis but we reconciled and moved on
after marriage:
* 2000 - married * 2003 - had baby and started down the challenging road of dealing with a special needs son * 2004 - STBXH started withdrawing and became depressed to varying degrees * 2006 - had second baby * Dec 2008-May 2009 - MC, ended in "impasse" with STBXH not shifting * Jul 2009 - STBXH turned 40 * Aug 2009 - last sex in M * fall 2009 - multiple crises, STBXH really withdrawn and expressing rage
post-bomb:
* Dec 22, 2009 - STBXH revealed the depth of his hopelessness about our M, said 80% of his unhappiness was due to the conflict in our M, said that he had done a lot of research on how parental conflict affects children and had convinced himself that our level of conflict was damaging our children...repeatedly stated that he had no plans or solutions for the situation...STBXH was dealing with extreme insomnia and a lot of anxiety symptoms (nervous breakdown?) * Dec 28, 2009 - STBXH was diagnosed with moderate to severe depression (but ended up discontinuing meds after 4 days), first mentioned trial separation but agreed to wait for a month for his state of mind to stabilize
post separation:
* Jan 3, 2010 - SEPARATION: STBXH moved out and rented 2 BR apartment saying it was a "trial" separation * Jan 9, 2010 - last relationship conversation: STBXH said he had no motivation to work on our M (lots of fight-or-flight body language) but that he hadn't "closed the door" to reconciliation...promised to keep me updated on any changes in his status * Jan 11, 2010 - first DB coaching session * Mar 2, 2010 - overheard STBXH referring to me as his "ex" * Jun 23, 2010 - STBXH first emailed regarding finalizing financials (indirectly asking for legal separation agreement) * Aug 12, 2010 - started DATING Guitarist:) * Sep 5, 2010 - stopped seeing Guitarist to date M, who had serious intentions * Oct 2, 2010 - M broke up with me * Oct 7, 2010 - started seeing Guitarist again (exclusively)
It's so true that "the first six months belongs to the WAS, the second six months belongs to the LBS"
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
This is my first thread in "Surviving", but I'm intending to THRIVE
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Yay!!! Now I won't have to click and search so far to find your thread!
But I want to know what you think of my "booty call" relationship definition--does it apply to your sitch with Guitarist?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Maybe because the last exclusive relationship you were in was with your stbxh, you might be a little rusty on defining a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? KWIM?
Newmama, thanks for your input as a recently-ish frequent flyer of 3-6 month relationships. You really have a point. My relationship history has consisted almost exclusively of relationships lasting over a year or two or flings. So you're right that I don't have much experience with a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, which is what Guitarist calls it except he doesn't because he feels silly being a "boyfriend" at age 49 .
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-are you exclusive? definitely -do you communicate frequently? yes, mostly initiated by him -do you make plans together? yes, the next "date" is always planned immediately after the last one. Guitarist invited me to a music show on Dec. 3, wants to go snowshoeing, etc. -are you meeting each other's friends? he's met my sister and BIL, I've met a couple of his coworker friends (family can take awhile depending on the people) -are you spending time together during the day, too? (seems to be a step) ummm, yes but mostly in bed
So it sounds like you would consider it on the boyfriend/girlfriend track?
My main reason for wanting to "define the relationship" is to not make a fool of myself and not get more attached than is appropriate. When I'm with Guitarist I feel like we're on the same wavelength, it's when we're not together that I wonder about things.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Nope- you definitely have a girlfriend boyfriend thing going on.
So here is my next question--what are you hoping or wanting or needing to define? What doubts are creeping in your mind when he is away? Maybe it is normal for all of us left behind spouses...and there is nothing wrong with your relationship with him!
In fact, you and guitarist are living in the present/near future and this is how it goes until suddenly time flies and it has been a year (or more) and someone asks the other to move in.Oh, I guess at some point before then, he will tell you he loves you. MAYBE that is what you are needing/seeking as the next step?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Nope- you definitely have a girlfriend boyfriend thing going on.
OK, I'll take your word on it
Originally Posted By: newmama
What doubts are creeping in your mind when he is away?
"It is just about the sex for him?" "Do we have enough in common?" "Is he making enough of an effort to get to know complicated, multi-layered me?" "Is this a go-nowhere relationship?" - which I actually think is OK, but I guess part of me likes the idea of "progress"
Originally Posted By: newmama
Maybe it is normal for all of us left behind spouses...and there is nothing wrong with your relationship with him!
Thanks for affirming that.
Originally Posted By: newmama
In fact, you and guitarist are living in the present/near future and this is how it goes until suddenly time flies and it has been a year (or more) and someone asks the other to move in.
Yes, I guess we are living in the present mostly. And in theory I am good with that. I can't IMAGINE a moving in conversation. He is thrilled to be living alone even though it means not being with his children. I can't imagine him choosing to live with me and my children in a million years. And I'm not sure I'd want that either. Sigh. Children are not "baggage", but it's just a different playing field compared to the last time when I was single...it was all just a fun experiment then. Now there's so much at stake, and a sense of having something to lose given all the pitfalls that living together can bring, as lovely as it can be.
Originally Posted By: newmama
Oh, I guess at some point before then, he will tell you he loves you. MAYBE that is what you are needing/seeking as the next step?
I am growing awfully fond of him, and that feels pretty vulnerable. I do have a feeling of loving him...maybe not an "in love head over heels" kind of love, but at least a very deep tenderness for him.
I don't want to be fixated on the "next step" though. I want to be living in the present with him.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I think what NM said about "when" she has room in her life for a relationship, i am in that same boat. Don't get me wrong i crave affection, a warm embrace and of course sex, but when my two lil babies are sleeping next to me, my boy farting in the am, daughter kicking us while she moves in the middle of the night, I am not ready.
i do wish i had some time to actually do adult gal things but even if i did plan on going out to a movie, it would have to be during the day and even then i would fall asleep during the movie.
I hear ya jstar. It's only VERY recently that I've been able to go out in the evenings...after seven years of parenting. Mothering asks so much of us. Yet I encourage you to carve out some space to cultivate your identity outside of motherhood as you can. I made a lot of excuses as to why I couldn't do that...and lived to regret it
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I like your outlook on things. I really do. I remember when I was single and dating, I was always looking for the ONE, you know? I sometimes didn't allow myself to just enjoy the moment and not look too far into the future. It seems that you have discovered that secret.
I hope that you can start living in the moment more and more. Wasn't that part of what happened in our marriages -- not living in the present, in order to avoid the pain of what was missing? I'm realizing more and more that living in the NOW with eyes WIDE OPEN is the best way that we can protect ourselves and enjoy life's blessings where we can.
Quote:
Now - just enjoy yourself - when you are with him and when you are alone or with your kids. I envy you at this point. I still don't want my M to end, but I do miss that connection and the physical part of the opposite sex.
WOW do I miss it! whistle
IDU
I hear you IDU. (((hugs))) It saddens me to think of so many of us being deprived of that connection for so long. I guess one thing you can do is to recognize that that is there for you when you're ready.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I like the way you have neatly organized everything on your thread. It says to me that you have packed the old stuff up, and you are recreating your life in a new way. Good for you! The challenge is to keep that stuff packed up and put away, and not let it creep up on you in your new life. The most important thing is to become strong and centered in who your are. Not dependent (at least emotionally) on a man to keep you happy. So I have heard quite a bit about guitarist. Tell me about you, what drives you? What are your hopes and dreams for yourself?
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