My H cheated on me ( had OW for months). We are trying to work on the marriage or so he says, YET I don't see anything on his end. We are separated since March 20,2010. Before that, he was mentally checked out of our marriage for years. I read Michelle's book, did the LRT, read other books, been to therapists, life coach, see a psych MD for Cymbalta.
Because of this forum on another thread I realized how my negatives words my H over the years, bringing up past hurts. I can't get over the feeling and my friends say as well, " you have done everything to try and get better and he has done nothing."
He keeps saying, " I want to take it slow. I want to see how it goes before I decide." He told me that is what people told him what to do. He saw a counselor twice ...once for drinking and they decided he wasn't an alcoholic and one he wanted to ask her a basic question about relationships. He refused to mention that he cheated. He said, " stop controlling my conversations." I just want to hear what is the magic formula for how marriages work." Well, he found out there is none.
I am confused. How should H be acting ? He gets angry at me if I question him about working late. REMEMBER, HE LIED IN THE PAST AND TOLD ME HE WAS WORKING LATE WHEN HE REALLY WAS WITH HER.
I told him of my insecurities. Same with the girlie bars he was going to.
I told him today, I wish he gave me and our marriage half the attention he gives his to his buddies and and all his hobbies - photography, bike riding and going to bars in NYC.
Nov. 8th was our 30th anniversary. He took me out to dinner, bought me flowers and we had a lovely weekend. I asked if in April 2011 we could plan a much needed vacation together, esp. since he hasn't done anything for me and my birthdays. Which is in April. " We'll see". Which means, NO.
I have to be truthful. Other women I have known in this situation, when their husbands were coming back to them, they renewed their vows, bought new wedding rings, bought a new house. One H got his wife's name tattooed on his arm. Went on a vacation. They wooed their wives back and showered them with TLC.
I am not getting that from my H. Is H supposed to do that ?
My H was never there for me emotionally. He never was attentive to me. I never felt like I meant much to him. Well, at times I did, but not all the time. When it was my 50th birthday and I wanted a party, I got nothing plus he stayed away that night.
I have tried to introspect, reflect, change my negative ways. I realized what my husband needed from me BUT he never asked me what I needed.
I need someone to hold me, hug me, to have dinner with me. For close to 2 years I come home from work by 3:30 ( I am a teacher.) I have dinner on my own. My sons are gone and out of the house. My H, when he did live here, never got home before 10pm. Many times he was drunk and if he wasn't, he took his bottle of wine and went upstairs. I miss having adult conversation. I miss having someone to love me and want to be with me.
Am I asking too much of my H to do this for me? He still doesn't understand me and what I need. Since July, he broke up with the OW and wanted to reconcile. The summer & fall has been a roller coaster. Last week and weekend we were on a high and now we are in a downward spiral again.
Is it me ??? Am I expecting too much from him ? Should he be more sensitive and understanding of my needs? I want him with me, have dinner with me, stay over more and more.
Since July 1st, he has stayed over less than 10 times.
I am so confused. I don't know how to expect him to react to me and my needs.
