I am an "old timer". I don't get much of an opportunity to get to these boards anymore, although they saved me when I was first separated. My story is similar to all of yours...bomb, separation, OW, divorce, remarry to different OW....nothing new here.
I wanted to post today for two reasons. First, I had dinner last night with a friend of mine - going through the same thing....she is about 18 months post bomb.
She is very angry, bitter, hurt....all of the feelings that we have all experienced. But in speaking with her last night, I had a very clear view on the possible consequences of not letting go and detaching. She in engaged in warfare with him - nasty phone calls, emails, calling the lawyer for everything. She isn't sleeping, her days are filled with anxiety and stress, and she is just very bitter.
Now she has every right to be and I am not in any way minimizing what she is going through. I've been there. I know her H has been like many that we write about here and it is tough to handle.
But it was very eye opening and goes back to something that I have thought for some time - divorcebusting is not just about saving your marriage. It is about saving yourself. There is something very valuable about internal peace. It is very hard to reach this, given everything that we go through. But the more you can detach and not engage in similar behavior that is being shown to you, the better off YOU are. The sooner that you recognize and accept that you can only control YOUR actions, feelings, behavior the better off YOU are.
The second reason that I wanted to write was to advise the "newbies" to please, please pay attention to the wise veterans here that tell you to protect yourself. I was one of the ones who said "well he said that he would take care of me and he has so far...". MLC behavior is very, very unpredictable - despite reading about stages, etc. I am a little more than three years post bomb. This past summer, XH decided that he didn't want to pay child support anymore. More than likely due to his engagement, upcoming wedding and honeymoon. The financial side of things is business that can't be ignored. Mine is working out because I finally had the sense to do what I was advised to do on these boards when I first came here - get it in writing and make it legal. Maybe yours will take care of you - but what would it hurt to get it in writing and make it legal?
My dinner last night was interesting and I wanted to share. I had always wondered what it would be like to go off on XH and really tell him what I have been thinking for three years. My friend has and continues to, to her H. Her H doesn't care and she is in constant turmoil. I like my peace.
This past summer, XH decided that he didn't want to pay child support anymore. More than likely due to his engagement, upcoming wedding and honeymoon. The financial side of things is business that can't be ignored. Mine is working out because I finally had the sense to do what I was advised to do on these boards when I first came here - get it in writing and make it legal. Maybe yours will take care of you - but what would it hurt to get it in writing and make it legal?
The Marriage is the ship sailing on the ocean, the ship sails into choppy waters, begins to sink, you both jump off the one lands in the lifeboat one in the water.
The betrayed spouse in the lifeboat in trying desperately to get the MLC-er back into the lifeboat, as the BS struggles to do so the MCL is struggling to stay in the water and in that struggle the lifeboat tips over and now both of you struggle to make it to land.
what a great and truthful post I look back on all of us when this first started and never did I predict the outcome-MY xh totally finally abandoned us, his kids, his mother, his family no financial support, not phonecalls--my situation may be a bit extreme, but I believe My xh would have taken it all if he could have so I totally agree--A LBS can not trust the words of her MLCer H That is hard to understand b/c we thought we knew them and maybe they changed and usually the MLC unpredictability will continue for some time to come--I agree definitely get a legal plan in writing
and yes db is for us-what a great blessing it has been..it totally changed my life now I am at peace and in total acceptance(mostly) peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
