It is time for a new thread, because everything feels different for me. Last night was rough, and I didn’t do as well as I wanted to. But... I survived it (barely) without any major blunders. I crossed the line into pursuing a few times, but not as bad as I was afraid I would. Mostly I just didn’t feel like chasing him, but I wasn’t as collected as I would have liked to be. I think he may have been disappointed and unsettled by how calm I acted though. I find myself lees interested in what he thinks right now either way.
I will continue to DB. I do not believe H is coming home anytime soon, if ever. Right now, DBing is about protecting my extended family connections for me and for my daughter. DBing is about detaching from my H. It is about creating a “safe” home for me and my daughter. It is all about living like he is never coming back. The door is still open, but not like it was.
Last night I saw a lot of fear and guilt in that man. It makes me feel sad for him, but it makes my heart just break for our daughter. Her life has been turned upside down. Unless my H recommits to the M, and that looks less and less likely, her life will always be much more complicated and painful that it should have been.
Here is the good, the bad, and the ugly from last night and this morning…
Hugs throughout the evening, but seemed to be for “my benefit”
He will be starting full time hours at the restaurant to prepare for the opening on December 7th..
H wants to find a way to work more reasonable hours than the owners do so he can spend time with D3. I doubt that will actually work out, but that is not my problem.
He asked if I wanted to pick up D3 on Saturday at the new restaurant so I could see it. This surprised mebecause he hasn't wanted me anywhere near restaurant before.
He told me SIL-J said I could come to the birthdays on Sunday but would understand if I didn’t. I said that I lost my whole family once; I didn’t want that to happen again.
He asked to take Ida camping Sunday night. I would have liked more notice, but I need the time alone right now, so I agreed.
H said he plans to go ahead and file for the divorce
Told him that this is not what I want, that I love him and that I believed that there is nothing that we couldn’t work through together. I also said that I won’t wait forever, but if he changed his mind I have not closed the door.
I told him the creepy bear-bear cookie jar from his mom goes with him. That is non-negotiable.
He said he wanted to be sure I had health insurance before going through with a divorce
May quit the store job, or place his position on hold. I told him to do whatever he wanted, it’s his job. He is working there less, and it would break some contact with OW if she is still in the picture.
I asked him to go see my counselor to better help me. He agreed. I told him I would give my counselor his cell phone number. BTW, given the context, I do not see this as pursuit. I see it as closure and taking care of myself.
I told him about the parenting class that our county requires for divorcing couples. Told him I would like to go ahead and take the class.
He asked if I wanted to do TK-day with his family – I said yes.
H said he will be working Christmas and asked if I wanted to go to Michigan with D3 and see my family. I told him it depends on my work schedule, but that I would consider it. He said I am welcome at his family’s holiday if I want. I think I will probably end up doing Christmas at home with D3 for the most part. Maybe a gift drop-visit at the in-laws. Holiday travel doesn’t sound fun to me. I have always wanted to establish my own family holiday traditions, and this is a good time to start.
I told him I would rather go to Michigan in April, when all my cousin’s new babies would be there.
We talked about getting Christmas gifts from “us” and making a holiday plan/budget. Seems a bit like “cake eating” to me, but I am ok with this right now.
He said he won’t be able to even think about looking for a place till January and there is no point anyway. He won’t be home and wants a few paychecks in the bank first anyway.
I told him that if he ever wanted to talk, he could call me any time, I was willing to listen to whatever he might need or want to tell me. I may be asleep, but it is ok to call.
H has a new bank account.
We talked about transferring the credit card debt to a no interest promotion card with both our names on it. H said we could use the card that came free with his
He doesn’t want to use a lawyer, just use forms from the internet. I told him I would at least want a lawyer to look over anything I signed. I wanted to be sure D3 was protected and taken care of.
He asked me if I wanted to come have dinner with them, I said sure. Dinner went well, but I shouldn’t have drunk at all. I might have done better.
He told me I am welcome at mom & dad’s when Ida is there and anytime. This is a big change and I plan to take him up on it. Not as an opportunity to DB, but to be with my D more and make her trips to their house less difficult for her.
D3 showed me her games on his computer. I saw a picture of her on his computer screen. He said it was from the train station on the zoo day. It made me sad that I wasn’t there, but I just smiled and told him it was a cute picture.
H invited me to help with bedtime. I read the first book, he read the last two. He said she usually is asleep in just a couple minutes, but she clung to my hand and cried for me to stay “forever and ever.” She wouldn’t let herself go to sleep, so we ended up taking her for a drive. H invited me to go on the drive too. I should have left at that point. I had my purse and was ready to go, but I stayed because I didn’t want to leave my D3. She fell asleep after a few loops around the toll way access. When H went to lay her down she woke up and cried for me, but I stayed out of the room.
After D3 went to sleep again and as I was saying goodbye, H told me D3 cries for me when he picks her up and for about an hour every night. I told him I was sorry, and he said it wasn’t my fault. He appeared upset and guilty, then looked away from me. He said he was not her favorite person right now, and that she loves her mommy. I told him she needs her daddy too. He knows he is hurting all of us, I don’t need to say it, and I am not going to fix this for him.
When he was walking me out to the car I started to say something about how he better not be filing just for me. He looked confused, maybe I wasn’t making sense. I was tired. Anyway, he heard D3 waking up and he went to get her. I said bye, and went home. Probably best that I didn’t get my point across. It was pursuit and I should have kept my mouth shut.
Called a help line to vent and cry in the car.
Restrained myself from texting or calling when I got home. I went to sleep.
7:55 this morning, I good morning call from H. I asked how she did and he said D3 did not have a great night. She sounded sad, so I told her I will pick her up from daycare and we will do art time tonight with glitter glue. She was very excited about that.
7:58 text: Did you cut Ida’s hair in front? Responded: No hair cuts at all. Is there some missing? 8:01 text: Yes it looks like her fly-sways in front were cut off Responded: Check at school. The kids use scissors some days.
This is not easy. Never is. But you CANNOT forget the mantra. Believe none of what they say and only 50% of what they do. If you do not want a divorce, do nothing. Protect yourself and D, but do not lift a finger. Let him do the work. My H told me the same thing. I know the pain of hearing that. Some MLCers manage to fast track divorces, but a lot drag their feet to a ridiculous length.
Good job on restraining yourself. Keep topics to D only. Listen to him when he wants to talk. But listen only. Do not offer up information about your day, your feelings, your hopes, your fears etc. He cannot play that role right now. If he asks you questions, answer kindly, but be vague. When I did that with my H, I don't think he even noticed my answers were vague. And I DEFINITELY know that most days, he wouldn't even remember the IMPORTANT things I would tell him.
I know you're strong and can do this. But yes, it sucks. Continue to detach and work on yourself. Concentrate on GAL and a PMA. Don't allow yourself to do the work on the holiday presents and then slap his name on it. If he wants to send "us" gifts then let him dictate when you both will go shopping and where. It was his idea, let him take the lead. But don't TELL him he needs to take the lead. To be safe, plan on getting your own because he might not take the lead and instead think that he can continue to rely on you.
Are you on the alt (FB)?
((Zen))
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I am still just feeling a bit off. Still sorting through everything. There were a lot of positives too, but I just don't want to think about it all that much. I feel like I am hibernating or something.
I do hope H drags his feet, but I'm not going to count on it. I spent some time talking to some lawyers. It is hard because there is no money for one, but I won't do this without legal help. I plan to have a lawyer ready for if he does file, but not going to tell him or do anything myself.
I had the hardest time with my D last night though. This was the first time H has asked me to come over when he had D & participate in any way. He has also been short on telling me about her time there. I knew she was safe, so I tried not to worry. Knowing how much she cries for me breaks my heart though.
On the upside, I have som GAL & 180's I am actually excited about. I'll post on that after D goes to sleep.
Wow Zen. My heart broke...again... reading about your night with your H. I am speechless. Maybe you didn't do as well as YOU wanted but holy s***, you are doing well.
My H wanted to do this without Ls either. Sorry, this is a grown-up world. You have a child involved! We have property together and a huge income difference. Sorry but no. Your daughter and you need protection. Way to stick to your guns.
Look forward to hearing about your 180s and GALing
(Formerly blgp) Me-35 H-33 Married 4 yrs Together 9 yrs "Bomb" 8/1/10 Separated 8/6/10 D filed 10/21/10, on hold til 1/11
"If you want to hear God laugh, tell Him about your life plans."
Yeah, it will be hard since there is NO money, but the alternative is not an option. Even IF H & I keep civil, there is always the potential of a jealous spouse later on. I also doubt H will take it well if his baby someday starts to call someone else 'daddy'.
One of the lawyers I spoke with said that it is cheaper for her clients to have her do a divorce than to bring in an internet form anyway. She said the forms from online are terrible.
Crazy thing though, I actually feel prety good right now. I am the one who got hit hard last night, but I am recovering. It is my H who keeps contacting me and sounding just a bit desperate.
Anyway, D is down, so I am going to have a glass of wine and write up my GAL plan.
The alt is the social network FB. Lance helped me get on and contact some people on the forum. Due to rules, you can't post your real info in the forum.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
1. Keep going to the Saturday morning running group. My neighbor is going to join me this time.
2. Start reorganizing the house how I want it.
3. Invite some friends over to BBQ next weekend. Some of D'd friends too.
4. Keep going to big cousin's soccer games.
5. Start clearing out and giving away all the baby stuff I have been hanging on to. IF there are any more kids in my future, it will be years from now. Not worth storing for that long and I need to let that go.
6. Start a cutting garden. D & I both love having flowers on the table.
I'm kind of just journaling today. Here are a few non-negotiables I talked to my MC about yesterday.
I won't give up my daughter's connection to her father just to get my marriage back
I won't give up having my own life outside of my family.
If H comes home he has to stop running and hiding from me. He has been running one way or annother for almost his entire life. Computer games, long work hours, affairs, friends, activities I can't or am not invited to participate in. All of it is running away.
I cannot accept a "you can't hold this over my head" as an excuse for H to never talk about what happened.
I will never be financially dependednt on H again.
I'm kind of just journaling today. Here are a few non-negotiables I talked to my MC about yesterday.
I won't give up my daughter's connection to her father just to get my marriage back
I won't give up having my own life outside of my family.
If H comes home he has to stop running and hiding from me. He has been running one way or annother for almost his entire life. Computer games, long work hours, affairs, friends, activities I can't or am not invited to participate in. All of it is running away.
You sure you want what he has to "offer"?
I cannot accept a "you can't hold this over my head" as an excuse for H to never talk about what happened.
Too bad. You will probably have to "accept" it. He doesn't want to talk about it & you have no control over that. Plus, he probably lacks the insight to offer an explantion that would appease or satisfy you anyhow. Seriously, is there a reason out there that would somehow make it alright? His "reasons" do not and cannot matter. You have to move on. Your h was a flawed man with a life long pattern of breaking vows and fleeing, from the get go. IF he remains that way, so be it. You'll be free of that chronic negative feedback, eating away at your security and self esteem for the rest of your life.
There is no grand explanation that will solve the mystery of how you can love someone who betrays you over and over. But why does that matter now? Isn't the important thing that you won't do that again?
I mean, either your h will somehow turn his life and personality around and become the man you deserve, or you'll find and love another man who doesn't run away or break vows, repeatedly. Either way, your life is about to go UP UP UP and I hope you'll change your subject title to reflect that.
Lastly, of course you should use a L. Anytime there is a child AND OR money involved, a L is mandatory. I'm a L and I say that b/c I have NEVER seen a DIY divorce work when there were children, real estate or sizable assets. It's not done right, in each case I saw. The ONLY time I saw a DIY divorce work, was without kids and when the m was short enough that neither party was overly invested in the m. More or less a "whoops, we made a mistake" type of sitch.
Sure, maybe there are some successful DIY divorces out there. I've seen 2 work. Why would you trust your most precious "asset" (the D3) to an internet form? Oh, to save money....enough said.
You can and will get through this b/c you are already gaining insights and learning from the advice here. You are stronger than you know. Shut the door on your h, (you don't have to lock it, but you do have to stop looking back to see if he's trying to come back in) and move on. Just as you cannot reach the other side of the lack if you keep looking back at the shore you departed, you cannot make it through this if you keep looking back.
When you turn your pain and anger over to God, try not to take it back the next day. I did that for months, until i realized that I was not operating in faith, I was operating in fear.
Trust that HE Does have a plan for you. Right around the corner are good things for you. Get excited about what all the possibilities are. Stop expecting or waiting for an explanation for your h's inexcusable behavior. It's inexcusable and there's a reason it's called that. NO excuse. Why bother spending an ounce of your life energy on that, when you can spend it on creating your new wonderful life?
I will never be financially dependednt on H again.
Amen.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'll post on that after D goes to sleep.