hello

[apriljewel]

My marriage has fallen apart & it looks like there is no hope to any type of reconnection. He basically told me to move out last month so he could figure some things out; little did I know at the time that he was reguarly (like at least 50 times a day) texting another woman (who is married with 3 kids & he works with) on a daily basis... I confronted him about it Monday when I was trying to find a number on T-mobiles website to upgrade my service plan to include internet, I saw all of these texts to and from a certain number -- he keeps denying that it is anything more than a friend (whom he has an emotional connection with) with her situation (supposedly her husband in abusive); I called BS!! Anyway he texts me this morning to ask me to come over to talk; I got there & he said he had something to ask me -- would it be alright to move her & her 3 kids in so that her parents could serve eviction notice to her husband & then once he is out of the house she would move back in... I said NO, NO, NO, but he said he really didn't need to ask my permission just thought he would be nice to ask... he said he loves me, but doesn't like be married to me anymore --- says I have 'boxed' him in & diminished his manhood... I wanted so much to save our marriage but he has made up his mind (I feel) -- anyway, he called earlier when I asked if I could bring my puppy back to his house because I don't have a 'home' & he blew up & said that I was making his life miserable ... I took my rings off & stored them away -- I have no hope left -- so many things wrong right now & I am having a ton of difficulties trying to keep it together...
I do feel I had a lot to do with the breakdown... This is what he knows to do because of his upbringing; I on the other hand had a lot of bad things happen to me that I have been closing behind in my head... & they all started seeping thru lately; but I was brought up to always forgive & forget (hell my mom wouldn't have a thing to do with me when I was pregnant with my little girl; I was date raped & later found out I was pregnant -- my dad was the only one there for me then -- but I pushed it back & didn't talk about it)... You know I love him with all that I have & it is really hard to see him move on without me... I feel like a complete shut in -- I live in a one room enviroment in Leavenworth, I live in a one room enviroment at my moms, and I live in a one room enviroment at work... I will get by, I always have -- just seems to get harder & harder to keep putting one foot in front of the other & keep a smile on my face when my heart is shattered in a million tiny pieces... He called me yesterday morning & asked me if I could pay 1/2 for divorce & told me that he had to 'get away from me for awhile'; says he is going thru a lot of [censored] right now & thinks there is really something wrong with him -- I said so no...w you are pushing me completely away & he said that is what is needed for him right now because every time he knows I am in town he wants to get together... I, of course, blew up letting him know that this is so hard for me to just let go -- he is the love of my life, ya know... he said it isn't easy on him either but has to do it... He is trying to get an appointment set up at the V.A. to get referred to a 'shrink'; I told him that he would always be in my heart & I would always be there for him if/when he decides to let me in (instead of this other woman that he has connected to -- he says that they are going thru the same issues & that is why they talk, who knows right -- I choose to believe him because it would be much to much otherwise) -- I told him I just wanted him to get better & get the help he needs... I really do love him & wish that this wasn't happening, but if he needs to be away from me then that is what I will give to him, not out of hate or resentment but out of love for him & what we had...

[InAPickle]

April, if you can afford it talk to a marriage councilor or call a DB coach at this site. I did the latter and my coach has helped me a great deal. She actually gives me things to look for in my spouse and helps me interpret her words and signals. She helped me set goals and strategies.

Get the book Divorce Remedy and read it through. Someone here has a list of do's and don't's - find it and follow it immediately.

I also went to my doctor and confided my situation to him. He prescribed some anti-depressents and they have also helped me get my head together, function at my job and take care of the kids and work toward my goals. I call them my "happy pills" - really I do.

Please don't stay in your "one room orison" I'll keep you in prayer.

PS> If you do get some medication, take regularly as prescribed and never go off them cold turkey.

[apriljewel]

InAPickle, thank you for your reply.
I am bipolar & do take zoloft, but lately it doesn't seem to be working at all. I wish I could afford to talk to someone professionaly but unfortuatly I don't have the extra funds or insurance to help with this.
I don't lay any of the blame with H as I can see and have realized that my actions and/or reactions have brought this; for example -- I took a job 100 miles from our home and have to stay in the city for 3 nights a week -- I honestly thought that I was being responsible in having found a job before I got layed off from the job I did have, but never considered that H would start feeling unappreciated, taken advantage of, and lonely.
We have talked somewhat, but it seems to always lead to him getting angry at me & yelling -- although we did spend an entire day a few saturdays ago & felt we connected. Now it is back to he can't have me around & doesn't want to 'let me in emotionally' -- I truly want give him what he wants & needs, but it is also tearing me apart to hear the hate that he is feeling now...

[InAPickle]

At least get the book, "Divorce Remedy."
I picked up a paperback at Books-a-million.
I called first; it was their last copy.
I took that as providential sign.
God Bless April.

[apriljewel]

I have made the decision to take things one day at a time -- I did handwrite a letter to him this morning, scanned it & emailed it to him (he used to tell me how much a handwritten letter was much more personal) basically letting him know that I acknowledge and accept responsibility for my part in our downfall... I didn't expect to hear from him & I haven't -- our last correspondence yesterday was via text & he told me that I had made up his mind for him & he wanted the divorce the sooner the better, said that my way was a lonesome road to nowhere & eff u... Of course the words stung & I lost it all day long after that; h has a tendency to blow up not really meaning the words & then cools down so I don't really take it too personally... Anyway, I am suppose to go pick up my dog tomorrow after work from h house then I plan to drive the 100+ miles back directly afterwards so h doesn't feel like I am smothering him. I don't know what will happen but it is time for me to get out of this rut & poor me attitude and concentrate on bettering myself pysically & mentally -- it is time to get back to the woman that he first met & fell in love with 11 years ago -- I am doing this for me but who knows what will happen with us.

[InAPickle]

Here's that list I mentioned earlier:


From Sandi - here is a great place to start on "what do I do"

Here's a few hints that might help you along the way:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[apriljewel]

InAPickle, thank you for posting these -- I did read them on another post earlier, but these are words that I will keep reading over and over. I have to go to his house this afternoon to pick up my dog, I don't know if he will be there or not since I haven't heard from him, but I am not going to 'play' into any yelling/fighting anymore. I am planning on stopping at the library while in town to pick up some self-help/self-healing books to read & learn to be a better person for me!!! I have an appointment on the 22nd at the kc area dental school to finally start working on getting my smile back (I always used to have a smile on my face & enjoyed laughing but once I started loosing parts of my teeth from hereditary issues I have been self concious about it) -- I have lost weight (not that I needed to and not by trying) so I am going to start exercising & dancing around the room like I used to. I will take my dog for long walks (she won't like it much since it is starting to get cold and she is only 10 lbs, so I will probably end up carrying her more than she walks)-- I have problems with crowds but am going to work on getting out of my comfort zone... Of course, I still hurt & I still cry, but I am not going to let h see this at all...

[dbmod]

Hi April,

I'd like to extend to you and official welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm sorry you are in a painful part of your relationship.

I love your actions related to doing things that are good for you...dental care, workinhg out, etc. Those are exactly the right things to do....take care of yourself because you are worth it...! It also helps your relationship....makes you more attractive. It also takes the edge off of any perceived neediness.

Have you read the Last Resort Technique in Divorce Remedy? If not, please search everything on this site related to that.


Hang in there...we are here to help you. You are not alone.

[apriljewel]

dbmod, thank you for the post. I admit I didn't come to this realization until this week -- up until then since 10/8/10 when h told me he wanted this I was doing everything that was on the "Do Not List" -- I will read the Last Resort Technique at break in a bit.

[apriljewel]

dbmod -- I can't seem to find...