OK lets see I have been posting elsewhere too so Ill get teh down and dirty and see what questions you may have...I have been married about 2.5 years...Im the guy, on top of the world, love my wife dearly, knew we had some communication issues, but she would not commit to counseling for most of the last year...then in aug she tells me less than 24 hrs in advance that we have a counseling appt, with a counselor she selected. I went, did not like counselor, went again, still did not like her, she called me wrong name and made me feel attacked...my wife could have cared less, it was just more 'proof' to her...plus I got a job that conflicted with this counselor's schedule...we got ni a fight I spent the night at my mom's (never done that b4) then 3 days later she told me I had not asked her permission to cmoe home, and that she was done, wanted divorce etc...she knew I was commited, willing to go to counseling, she didn't care...3 days later she was gone...her family helped her move while I was at work and church (again less than 24 hrs notice) at first we did not talk for a week, then she met me for 'dinner' I did all the wrong things I guess, well I cried for sure, we actually went for ice cream instead and ate it outside, Told her I loved her etc...I knew she wouldnt be home soon, but I wanted to work towarsd that goal...at first it went well saw her a few times, talked on the phone once, she has never really taken divorce off the table, nor committed tp reconciliation...we had a 'date' type atmosphere last time she came to the house, then...poof...she literally dropped off the map, I only tried to call her once aweek on thursdsyd (she said I could call, but not to get pushy if she didnt respond) well I have not said or done anything nasty, just let ehr know Id like to talk/see her...at this point if its divorce talk fine I guess, I just need to know whats going on, Im obsessing like crazy...yea I have a therapist and a physician helpnig with that. Last wed I emailed to say I would try to call on thurs night, but everyone's advice is stop dont contact her etc... so I did not call her...Fri last I got an email saying some trivial nonsense about her phone being broken so she didn't know if I had called...which clearly she would just have ignored...no callme, no ill call you...just noise...Im wondering if she's trying to ask me about getting her phone off my account, which I know she has asked about, I told her that was fine, although I d like to understand more about why because I think it is significant to why our relationship had problems...since then she has come over, paid me for last months bill (a month ago) thats when she poofed till now...We are a young 34/35 couple with no children...I want them...Its looking like she doesnot, but she wont talk openly with me about this (and certainly would not before) other than to tell me not now, back off, etc...well ok I think thats enough to get started...oh yea for you in academia she is ABD and stalled out (i think this is hugely troubling for her...) Your thougths are welcome. Thanks, V
I'm sorry you are in this situation....of course you would be obsessing, because these actions are pretty dramatic. But you will need to go dark on her. Kind of make her wonder about you. Let her work a little to contact you.
It will be ok. Her actions are kind of strange at least by your description, but you probably have some clues as to how to go about this.
In the meantime...what were her chief complaints? And...what were things like when they were mostly problem-free.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Well, I guess her chief complaint as voiced to me, is that I am 'controlling'. Followed closely by 'anger issues'. Then probably respecting her apace (which I have learned to read as boundaries). Now, emphasis on now lol, I understand what she 'meant' rather than what she said, or I heard...I have been down several rabbit holes on this. I am satisfied that while I may have acted 'abusively'. I did not 'abuse' my wife. I believe her feelings of 'control' are related to several things ultimately, but I do control the finances...we attended a 13 week dve ramsey course after I found out that behind my back in the first year of our marriage, she had run up almost 7000 in 'convienece' spending. She did not participate in 'budget' meetings, but did not complain overly. So, eventually yes, I 'controlled' things. I also realize she may not have felt 'safe' expressing her opinion because I would 'shut her down' with defensive anger...very legitimate complaint...typical young married couple stuff...I want to be closer to her so I push...this scares her, she draws away...over and over and over...until between that, approaching teh time limit on her phD, me wanting kids (her maybe not, undecded scared, etc...), friends moving away, being far from family...did I add me being in school full time, working up to 3 jobs to make sure our quality of life doesnt degrade (read maybe instead of competing 'for' my wife, competing 'with' my wife...), and oh yeah, generally being an insensitive jerk...poof...plus I think her friends and family are more than likely leading her into the 'divorce trap'...oh and a counselor that spent our first two sessions letting, if not encouraging, us to 'bicker' (whom I believe she continues to see). I have not attempted to contact her since she emailed me to say, in effect, Im sorry I missed the opportunity to ignore your call and feel satisfaction that you are obsessing about me...kind of put things in perspective for me I guess...I am like an alcoholic right now...not calling her one day at a time...I am considering reaching out ni another week or so...not begging or pleading, I never did that exactly, just asked her to take time, consider what she was doing...she seems to have done this, and I dont want her to mistake my silence for a hard heart...(she's like that, I am very concerned for her right now...her actions speak of fear, confusion, anxiety, lonliness, etc...I am not terribly distraught that she is cheating on me...she is a god woman, and I don't think that's whats going on here...as long as she can just fantasize about the 'romance' and 'freedom' other men offer, I will be ok, even if she entertains otherwise inappropriatly, as long as no PA takes place, I will be able to deal...
Before 'the problems' lol we always had problems...but we also went to Disneyworld (her first time) Washington DC (the christmas lights by night tour was great) The Biltmore...seeing her smile, i miss that the most I think...affection, sex...sex was great...then less and less, me feeling rejected, her probably thinking I don't find her attractive (she has put on alot of weight, I did not handle that well early on, but fully decided to conciously just not care, I bought her clothes (respectable, nice even one of my jobs was retail...yes some of it was lingerie, but I tried to stay in the 'sexy but functional' realm as I knew she felt some of my taste ran towards willy nelsons women on the trashy side...but hey like I said, I think my wife is hot...so sue me :P lol well, hope that answers your questions...please feel free to respond. Thanks, V
WoW update already...I replied to her email about the phone. She sent it friday...I have been reading alot obout 'going dark' because it made me feel cold to her...so i went with something 'dim'...just said. "Hey, Sorry to hear about your phone. Hope you are well." I don't think it was ten minutes later I saw she had replied with..."I’m doing ok, sitting on the Parade Ground with a Homecoming event. The phone works, but my battery just died so I have to charge it when I get home tonight. How are you?"
I for one consider this very solid improvement...now all I need to do is wait, but not too long...respond, be truthful, but not overly mushy with RT...ie maybe that I miss her and would like to see her...maybe go to Harry Potter...she is a huge fan...mybe just ask for a date...not with the word but just say. I am doing well. I do miss you. Do you have plans for Harry Potter yet? thoghts are appreciated.
