Hi Cold... This is not easy and you are right about everyone needing a different approach to save their M.
I did read your whols sitch and you and W have been through a ton. Very difficult...
I guess I just couldn't handle my W sharing herself with OM. I also realize that others have a different tolerance of what they can handle. If your heart can take it and you feel your W needs to ween her relationship slowly and that process brings her back to you, then go for it...
I really wish you luck... We are all in such awful and hurtful positions.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Had a long talk after work with wife and she say's she understands my feelings. She also said that the contact has to stop, her problem is that as she moves on, she does not want the om to end up hating her. Maybe guilt is coming into play here, but I told her its time to start worrying about us and our family. He should have thought about that when he got involved with a married women.
She also said that the emotional connection is starting to wane with him.
SBH maybe there is something to the respect thing by drawing a line in the sand, I did it in a calm and compasionate way.
I too told her I will NOT share you with anyone.
Very important to validate their feelings even though you hate what they are saying.
I know this could change in a minute ,but for now I think we are on the same page.
I'm going to take a break from the forum this weekend,but will update everyone when/if something happens.
Thanks,SBH and everyone here, as it really helps to get all this out.
Hi everyone, time for me to check in again. Ive been reading several posts for awhile now esp. SBH'S,Habitacker's,Inapickle's, Denver and Sandi2.
I want to tell all of you how much reading both the good and the bad helps me stay the course in my sitch. Sandi2's advice on some things really hits home with me. Also. even though we all come from different walks of life I can't believe the similarities that exist. It as if some of the w's read from the same playbook.
W takes a couple of weeks off for the Holiday's, hopefully to enjoy and spend time with family and friends. Well before we even get started I do something I regret. After our long talk about om contact while not at work went reasonably well, her cell rings the wed before xmas at 6am. She is the bedroom next mine/ours and it wakes me up and I see she is out on the deck talking. I ask who it was, she replies, just one of her coworkers. Should have let it go, but no, I get to work and check the ph records and sure enough it was the om.
I stew about this for about 3 hrs @ work and decide enough is enough and call his cell. Ask him what could he possibly be calling MY w on her day off about. He wanted to ask her if she needed any egg cartons,(yes, we have 8 chickens),I lost it. I told him he could talk at work all he wanted but while she's home under our roof forget it. He say's he got the message loud and clear.(I said other things not to be repeated here). Later that day I felt like a little school boy throwing a tantrum,not good. His tone was supprisingly soft and subdued,didn't expect that, thought he would tell ne to f*off or something.
I will never contact or bring the subject of him up again.(IC's advice, should have followed it)
That night I did tell w what I did and why and it didn't seem to bother her much.
Next couple of weeks go o'k, friendly, w spending time with kids,seems to be comfortable. She wants to start cleaning out her side of the closet in our room and hints at moving back into the room. This has not happened and I am not bringing it up. (Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do)
My daughter has caught her crying at times in private, I'm guessing depressed. But she will not seek help and I don't push it, just trying to be her friend again.
She's back to work this week and as usual at times she seems in another world,I leave her alone and try to work on myself.
On a positive note she did let me rub her back several times and my BIL did such a stupid/silly thing on ny's day that on the way home we both laughed so hard I had to stop the car.
So this long battle continues; this site,my kids,my IC and my love for her keep me going.
Thks for listening and commenting, Cold
M-29yrs T-39 2 S's D ILYBNILWY 2/10 A bomb 7/25/10 FOG,LIMBO,ETC. PRESENT
I don't think what you did is all that bad. You called OM to FIGHT for your M. Very attractive if you ask me, IMO...
Listen... You have every right NOT to be lied to in your M. Your W lied to you about OM. That means you can't trust her and until trust is restored you can't have a M.
Seems to me there are lots of positives in your post...
1. She TALKED about coming back to bedroom. She didn't have to say anything but she DID. The is thinking and pondering.
2. You were able to laugh and have fun with her. Keep that up.
3. She let you rub her back... AWESOME!!! Many WAS don't want/won't let/can't stand the sight of their LBS's. Great sign.
Continue to focus on the positives...
As for contacting OM, you had every right to call him out! If my W's EA called MY HOME, I would let him have it good. HE came into YOUR world (your home), you didn't go into his!!! It's bad enough that he is helping to ruin a family, but to disrespect you and your home, NO F'ing WAY!!!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Thanks SAD for the encouragement, I also am glad to see things are improving for you.
We all have to keep a PMA as much as possible and I know it can be real tough sometimes, but if you believe in something this important you can't let the setbacks get us down.(and there will be MANY setbacks)
