And, how do you respond to hear when she's exhibiting aggressive behaviors like this, CL?
Last night I refused to agree with things she said that I thought were not true. I've been holding my ground, as I don't believe I did anything wrong the night my car broke down and we missed the studio's event. When it became clear the conversation was not going to be constructive, I went to bed.
I'll need a plan. I would say I should not be reactive and try to find a way to make her happy--that somehow if I cleaned enough, or shovelled the drive more thoroughly, she would be happy. I can be open to problem-solving with her. If there is something I can do to help manage her stress, I will. whe I ask what I can do to help her job-hunt, I get I don't know. The answer to your question is to speak to her when it's constructive, avoid her if we're wasting time, be willing to problem-solve with her when the opportunity is there, and continue to participate with her in recreational activities. In other words, don't stay too long with her drama when it's not constructive.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I was pleasantly surprised last night when my W joined me for dance class. The dance community is bonding at this studio, and it's nice to be a part of it. Our connection is growing with people at this studio. These evenings at the studio, typically brighten our moods.
A year ago, my W bought herself a package of lessons, in which I was invited to film for her. I bought myself a package of lessons too. Today the accounts are in one name, she bought a package of private lessons that should last thru the summer, and group lessons that will last a year. and we are working together for a competition in January.
She is happy that I'm staying home for the holidays, and is beginning to plan our weekend. I can see now how difficult it was for her when I travelled that weekend. It's easier for her to make plans for herself over other holiday weekends. She didn't have a problem when I visisted my parents over Labor Day weekend.
Shd didn't quit her job, but did not put in extra time like she has been in the past.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm spending the holiday weekend home with my W this year, and am not traveling to my hometown to be with my siblings, relatives, and parents. I don't recall ever doing this before. If I went, my W would have been alone for most of the weekend, and we would have missed the cooking job.
I still haven't been proactive about physical contact with my W. It seems like the right time to move forward on this issue.
It seems to me our financial situation needs a plan and some structure. We don't have a savings plan, so are caught off-guard when unexpected expenses arise. I try to save a little each month, but my income is earmarked for bills. We also have too much debt. I'd like to meet with our financial planner in the new year.
Our two dances for the Januray competition are starting to look and feel good. I seem to be more excited about this than my W is. I think our dancing needs some structure, and goals, otherwise we're drifting. I've figured out that I can easily get my W to practice after an exercise class at our fitness center.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm thinking I need to step it up in the physical contact area. There isn't any sexual spark at this time, so probably shouldn't venture there. I'm looking for opportunity to have physical contact such as helping her out of a car, or holding a door, helping her with dance shoes, or holding her arm when walking down a city block. I need to be more thoughtful in this way. I think this is the next step. It's easy to get comfortable staying in the same patterns.
I'm not sure what to do about New Year's Eve. There are ballroom dance opportunities, but my guess is that she wouldn't have a good time, unless we went somewhere where she knew a lot of people. I'll send her an email, and see where she's at with this.
I have to make sure I keep a balance of self-care and relationship time.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
You may have stated it before but do not recall seeing it. Is it that she does not want you to touch her or are you uncomfortable having physical contact with her?
If helping her out of a car or holding her arm are big steps then I whole heartedly agree that sex is a fair bit in the future.
Maybe you could elaborate some more on this.
If you dance together, you must have physical contact in some capacity. While some of the other contact you list has different associations, would it really be that much to reach out and hold her hand for a moment and smile at her when something is going right? Seems like a reasonable next step. I am tempted to say you need to be a bit daring and forward. You need to lead, as they sometimes say around here. She seems to want to see a little fire coming from you. Would a New Years kiss be too cliche?
That said, I don't know the whole of your situation as it relates to physical intimacy, so can't offer any truly reasoned advice. Good luck.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
If helping her out of a car or holding her arm are big steps then I whole heartedly agree that sex is a fair bit in the future.
I wouldn't call these big steps, but small steps. Things have gotten too comfortable again. The connection has improved, but now we're two friends hanging-out. This is good, and it is progress. I need to start acting like a boyfriend. This is why I'm proposing simple acts of affection. I'm hoping it will break the platonic pattern and lead us in the right direction.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Her "sleeping elsewhere" is outright defiance. She spent the night away leaving no doubt what she was doing. Definitely not trying to hide it. Also, having sex with someone in your living room while you are at home reeks of this too. She's outright challenging you. She's saying ,If you don't someone else will.
What you say about the past sleeping elsewhere is probably true. I understand that the physical intimacy issue will need to be resolved. I'll have to move forward in ways that I can. I don't think it would work if I tried to have sex with my W. She's sensitive to anything that hints at rejection. There would be too much pressure. Neither one of us would be relaxed. I'll have to work my way up to it.
I also agree that it's my responsibility to address the issue and move forward in some fashion. I'm prepared to do that.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
