On the surface she appeares to be going ahead with her planned D, and puts up a determined front. It hurts me to have to listen to her, knowing how messed up her head is.
Yesterday morn, she mentioned that after D17 goes off to college (not that we have the money) that we should sell the house and get a smaller one because it will just be me and S11. I didn't say anything except that we need to wait until the market is better. The D settlement and money aspect is on her mind.
It drives me nuts that she doesn't realize what a horrible mistake she could be making, and that all she has to do take a step back and consider the alternatives, MC for one.
To answer your question, I'm working on myself, but I'm not making changes just for change sake. I'm doing things that will make me happey and more upbeat. I admit I am still in that "fear" stage, afraid of the D, afraid of her trip to see OM, but getting past the fear is going to take time, I just have to navigate the stages and keep focused on my goals. Right now I can't even come up with a goal that involves living as a divorcee. That feels to me like giving up hope.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
So you are still sleeping in the same bed? She probably feels that this OM is the love of her life and he "really" gets her. I am going to guess that she says their relationship is "easy" while the one between you and her has always been "difficult". She feels that all those years with you, she has been missing out on "life" and this guy is offering her the hope of a future that is very different from the one she envisions if she stays with you. You on the other hand are afraid that if you let her go now she won't come back and if she does in the future, you will be so hurt you will not take her back. You understand you did not have a happy marriage but you don't understand why she had to look for someone else to fill her emotional needs. She thinks she tried everything to get that from you and does not understand why you did not respond then. Now, she has nothing left to "give" and she is tired of taking care of you and needs someone to take care of her. She does not think of you as "the one" anymore. I know all this because I am getting it from my own WAW and I know how much it hurts because what does not sound like a gross exaggeration, sounds completely distorted or is factually not true and you have evidence to prove it. The key here, I think, is that you have to figure out a way to make her fall in love with you again and fall out of love with OM. Logistics, finances, and other practical concerns are important to her and may cause her physical body to stay around but her mind is gone into fantasy land and it won't be easily dragged out of there. I hope it can be done before is too late but right now I have no idea of what to do about it myself.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Broken: "She probably feels that this OM is the love of her life and he "really" gets her. "
I cannot presume to know what she's feeling. My sense is her WAW syndrome is mainly about not wanting to be married anymore. The EA is morally conflicting her and causing feelings of guilt and complicating her head. She goes out alot with her girlfriends, some of whom are single and/or divorced. This OM, her EXH from her teenage past is just the catalyst that pushed her over the edge, endorphans or whatever.
I fear for her safety as well. The EXH sought her out over the internet. These types are usually after only one thing. If she gets cold feet about a PA and only wants to meet for old times sake, it could get ugly or even dangerous. Of course she was married to him; I don't even know him, but you know how a million things go though your mind.
Broken: "The key here, I think, is that you have to figure out a way to make her fall in love with you again"
Most of the advice I've gotten is to make the changes for me and not for her. If she finds me attractive again, fine; if not, I have to be fine with that too. My coach has pointed out the problems in our R and we've been basically too independent and taking one another for granted. What we should have had was a "partnership" and an emotional connection, which somewhere along the way got lost. Of course since the bomb, ironically I feel more emotionally connected to her than ever, while she's the exact opposite. So I've got that mountain in front of me.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Congrats on starting the work. Mach, Steve, Coach and others are giving you great stuff here. (But Please avoid advice that is actually someone just projecting their sitch onto you. They mean well but may be way off target and distract you from your 180's, and detaching, etc.)
Aside from really hearing these guys, and validating her so there's no arguing, I am wondering about that when it comes to her IRA's, finances and other consequences of the divorce. True, as my DB coach said, it's NOT our job to "teach the WAS a lesson" or give them the consequences of their choices. Life does that for them, not us.
But why help her out with figuring out the ramifications of her hurting you and the kids? I mean it seems to me to be a bit much. Like she has no clue that you are hurting from HER actions, and that HER discomfort with HER choices isn't really your problem?? As for her guilt about the kids...gee, I don't know, some people call it having a conscience. At those moments, when she feels that pain, is a good time to NOT speak out with a parental voice. Let her inner voice tell her what's going on. Back off big time. MAYBE Even say "I don't know how to help you cope with the pain your choices are causing YOU b/c I am dealing with my own pain from them..." I'm not sure but see if the others feel the same...coach? Mach? What do you guys think of her telling him about HER concerns for security AND how her children will feel when she leaves them?? Gee, I just can't see her h comforting her right then. Maybe see what Robx says. I know we're supposed to "listen like a lover" (per my db coach) but I never had to deal with that. My h did complain about the cold and his loneliness b/c we were here and he was NOT...and I said, "well it's warm here"...and tried to empathize but he knew it was ALL his choices. I had to let him go figure out what seemed obvious to the world.
I say this without knowing what your issues are though. What would she say about you and the m, as to why she's leaving? And what, if any of it, is valid?
That'll help us to know so we can help you with specific advice. Oh, the Holidays approach. Be prepared.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
It drives me nuts that she doesn't realize what a horrible mistake she could be making, and that all she has to do take a step back and consider the alternatives, MC for one.
It's something she needs to work out for herself, she needs to live it for a while, maybe she will feel that it's a horrible mistake, maybe not.
On my first marriage, she couldn't chuck me out of the house quick enough, we were in her words "Room mates", "out of love" and "Done". All my suggestions of MC fell on deaf ears, and me telling her it might me a terrible mistake, well that got a laugh.
Fast forward, 1 year, I'd moved on, she could see it, I'd detached. She was the one suggesting MC, and at one point was desperate for a reconcilliation At that point the damage had been done and I could never have gone back
25years: "I know we're supposed to "listen like a lover" (per my db coach)"
My DB coach also said she needs to re-connect with me emotionally, so I should be like a best friend to her. But I'm not helping with financial decisions, just listening and validating.
Rob1971: "At that point the damage had been done and I could never have gone back"
This is something that worries me, but I'm working through it.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
