I haven't updated in a while. I have now read the Divorce Remedy and enjoyed it. It has given me new found inner strength and a better game plan for tackling this. Over time I have cut back the snooping to pretty much nothing. This has helped me a lot in that I'm not reacting to things that may or may not be there. My wife and I have been doing pretty good over the last month or so. We haven't had very much talk about our relationship however, but I can see small changes in her towards me and also the kids which I think is awesome.
I do have a question I need some opinions on. This same band has had very limited times that they have played and my wife wants to go to an upcoming show again. Logistically the drive to and from this event is fairly far. She asked my opinion if it would be alright if she went because she knows it upsets me when she goes. She will be going with a gal that is single. To me it seems like our relationship goes better when she doesn't go to these shows, but I realize she is an adult and I'm not her dad. If I say no, then resentment will set in and we may loose some of the gains we have made. If I say yes, I feel like I am encouraging the interactions with the guy in question. What to do? I assume the answer is to say yes and not say much about it just to try and change my behavior to see what kind of reaction that gets overtime. As a second option, should I tell her how I feel about this again and have her make the decision?
Here's my two cents. Bottom line is that she's wanting to do something even though she knows it upsets you. As you put it, she's putting you in a no win situation. So be calm, but honest. I would say something to the effect of "You are well aware of my feelings on the matter. However, the decision is yours. Do what you need to do"
Don't let her make you into the bad guy. Let the decision be hers. She wants to go despite knowing how it hurts you. That's the real issue. Unfortunately, it's not something you can do anything about. It's something she needs to work out on her own. But you need to be prepared to deal with the fact that she may choose to go. You can't get angry if she makes the "wrong" decision. This is where boundaries come in. If this is a boundary for you, then it needs to be set with very specific and very real consequences that you are truly willing to follow through on. If you are not prepared to do so, then you may have to deal with the fact that she will continue to see the band and the guy in question. But again, you cannot do so with anger.
This is where we LBS have to be enormously patient while our MLCers act stupidly.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
How does her choice to go with a girlfriend impact you?
If it makes you angry…then why does it?
I like Albs’ response… if she asked again – I would be honest and then drop it. As much as she may want to drag you into a discussion about, there is really no need. You have said what you felt and she will do whatever she needs to do.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I personally think this person she hangs out with when she goes out is a bad influence as this person is going thru a divorce because of similar reasons.
YOU personally think. Isn't that just a little judgemental and maybe just a tab bit controlling.
Quote:
this person she hangs out with when she goes out is a bad influence
If ya didn't know I'm a hispanic male from NY. One of my cousins...is a really nice guy that has some issues. He was in prison for robbery. IF I have a beer with him. Does that make me a robber?
Bottom line...each of us choose how we live. Your wife will make her own choices.
Quote:
this person is going thru a divorce
50% of the people in this country divorce.
Stop looking for an excuse to try and control her.
You don't want her to go...well then say it. If she goes..well then her actions are speaking much louder than her words.
And FTR, any good R is based in trust. If you are worried about her going out with a "bad influence" what are you going to do when she goes to work or goes food shopping. You can't control her. Trust her or let her go.
You choose.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I used the suggestion of telling her that she knows how I feel about the subject and we discussed it and she still went. I didn't say much about it and we moved on. After a few days back she was different it seemed and then brought up how the band invited her and her friend and a few other fans to come out and help them do auditions for 11 people and pick out a new lead singer. On one hand I think maybe I am being controlling on all of this? But then I think about her actions towards me and realize I don't feel that is the case. She wasn't asking my opinion about the auditions so I didn't say anything. My instincts and logic keep telling me she has a thing going for one of them.
After a few days of her acting distant and probably confused in her head we had a talk. She eventually said she hates feeling controlled and not being able to do and go wherever she wants. I suggested perhaps to make me feel better about this let me come with to a few of the shows once in a while with a few other couples we can invite and then she started to get upset. Saying how this is her special thing with her friend and I am trying to take it away from her. I said I'm not saying you can never go but thought it would help our situation if I went with a few times to put my mind at ease. That didn't lead anywhere but her saying I was being controlling. She goes out shopping with friends and an assortment of other things that don't bother me that I never ask to go with to.
She eventually said she doesn't love me and sees me as only a best friend. She also said though that when she goes out or when she even buys something expensive for herself now, she feels so much guilt. I'm not making her feel guilty with this as I didn't argue about it and with the item she purchased told her she works hard and should buy the item. Pretty confusing.
Fast forward a few days later and after talking to a counselor I am seeing, I have agreed that I need to continue to live with no regrets. Be committed to her and tell her that but be there to listen to her. Give her space but yet reassure her that you are there for her. I told this to her and she said where do we go from here. She talked about how do you know which life is best for a person. The life you are in or this other life. I asked her what this other life is and eventually said being with someone more like her. She then talked about trying a trial separation and she would be in the house during the day with the kids and I would be there at night with the kids. I told her I would think about it but don’t see how that helps the situation. I had said I thought that perhaps if she left for a week or so without the kids, house, and I it would give her an idea of what the other choice would be like ˝ of the time. I said I don't know how the house part of it would play out, but that could be one of the scenarios. She said I was threatening her with that and doesn’t like it.
The conversation toned down towards the end and I said in closing to her that I can speculate all day on what this is all about for you. But I have only one last thing to say on this and then I have said everything and I am here to listen to you any time to help. But if you feel that this other life would be so intriguing, keep in mind that it is only a fantasy. When you go out and meet these other people, there are none of the pressures of day to day life, no kids, etc… that isn’t real life, it is just a fantasy.
Any advice on where to go from here? My thought is to continue to live with no regrets and be there for her when needed but not be pursuing of her. Continue to do all I can around the house for my family and my kids but have no expectations of anything from her. Man is that tiring though when you don't feel any love from your spouse and she said everything she said. Not sure how long I can do it for, but I get the feeling she is just going to squat down in her current situation as she says and just stay married and be unhappy as she put it a few days ago. Almost wants me to make the decision for her after I burn out from this. Perhaps this guilt is getting to her and the trial separation idea is the next step in her mind. I can't see this trial separation scenario she put out there as helping at all. Anyone been thru that type of scenario and have advice?
We currently still sleep in the same bed and we still have sex together. It makes me not want to do that anymore after obviously being told all of that and also if perhaps I could get something from it. Crude to say but who knows. Is she just leading me on and manipulating me to string this out forever...
