Going to spew here, as I am feeling frustrated and need to vent.
Last night was okay. We saw "Red" and went to dinner. The movie was good, but neither of us was in a good mood, and I hardly touched my dinner -- the root of my weight loss is this stress. I wasn't planning on talking about the R, but one thing led to another.
I told him I realize that I have to let go of the fantasy I have -- of us, happily together, him filling all my holes. I added that it's important for me, no matter what happens, that I am okay with myself, that I am strong enough to stand on my own, if that should happen.
For his part, he says he is really depressed. He is taking it one day at a time. He doesn't have much emotional energy to put into our relationship. His friend died on duty, and there has been a lot of speculation -- was it murder, was it suicide, was he killed by another cop he was set to testify against... lots of bad stuff. I guess the kindest thing I could do is give him some space, which is counter-intuitive for me. So another 180, here I come. He's keeping regular with his IC, so that is good.
He bought some toys for the kids for Christmas yesterday, without my prodding. It makes me think he is thinking ahead. I don't want to get attached to anything. We also talked about hosting Thanksgiving at our house, which we do every year. I sat in the theater last night, took some deep breaths and reminded myself not to get attached to the outcome. It worked somewhat.
I dressed up last night, put on some makeup and a push-up bra. He didn't notice, but in his state, I am not surprised. I really did it for me. I am feeling better about myself. I am reading some books on self esteem an co-dependence. I also picked up DR again and am skimming through it -- especially the part on the depressed spouse.
I don't know how I feel about him. I don't know that I love him anymore or that I want this M to survive. I know I deserve more, and I know that I cannot expect him to change overnight. I'm tucking some money away each pay day. We plan to review the M in April, so I like the idea of having a financial cushion in place. My IC has been gently suggesting that for a while now.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
In our discussion last night, it came out that he gets upset whenever we discuss the possibility of a S/D because I treat it like a business transaction -- about the money and whether or not I will be able to survive financially. I tried to validate -- "So you feel that I am using you financially?" "Sometimes, yes."
Trying not to mind read, but I get the feeling that he doubts my love for him.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
I dressed up last night, put on some makeup and a push-up bra.
How about daily grooming? Do you wear makeup and keep your hair looking nice when you're at home? I think it's important to your self esteem to look good every day. I remember my grandmother would get up each morning and dress from head to toe, put her makeup on and have that hair in place. One day she was asked who she was getting dolled up for, and her answer was...."me".
Be good to yourself. Set goals and work hard to reach them. Don't accept second best.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I am a girly-girl. I never leave the house without makeup, even though I have to get up before 5 to get it all done. The push-up bra... not so much. (I'm a high school teacher).
I have learned to differentiate between taking care of my physical self and my emotional health. I am really good at the former.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
