So I have put the negative feelings aside this weekend and have been GAL'ing.
I feel good about that. My husband seems almost pleasant around me. I think it is surprising the crap out of him that I am upbeat, going to the gym and leaving the house without him. We actually had sex this morning. It's been over a month. Last time I initiated, he said he wasn't into it, and that I shouldn't take it personally, that he was just unhappy and not in the mood. This a.m. I was hesitant, but I took the chance and it worked. I don't know if that is something I should be doing right now as my goals are just to GAL and feel good about myself. Any input would be appreciated.
I still worry that there is someone else, but have decided to stop snooping. That just makes me feel bad about myself, but it is a struggle. Part of me just wants to know. Anyway, I'll do my best to keep that up. If I find anything, it will crush my self esteem and I may not be able to keep up my happy almost-facade.
I really do feel better about myself and for the first time in 4 years feel that I will survive and be okay no matter what happens. That feels pretty good in the middle of all this sadness and regret.
I would say my goal right now is for my husband to see me as the dynamic, independent, fun-loving, active woman I used to be. I've been doing pretty good, but it's only been a couple of weeks. I have been pleasant on the phone to him and have not started any arguments. I joined some clubs, have gone to the gym and am actually going to Russia after Christmas with my mom.
I guess what's more important is that he see me as I mentioned above on a day to day basis. Or at least hear about it, as he is not here during the week.
In other words, you want to be who you use to be, right? You are saying that you have changed (maybe not in a positive way) over time.
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My next goal is to have him doubt giving up on me because of what he loved about me in the beginning. (see above). That would be step 2.
Ah, but he already doubts it. Remember he said he wasn't sure that he could love you the way he should in a M? The words are just turned around, but the meaning is the same.
I don't know anyone who doesn't change as they get older, especially if they are M. The realy trick is to change for the better, but sadly, I doubt the majority of people get better than the way they were before M. Well, maybe I should not speak for them......so I'll just say that for "me"......I was always at my very best when H & I were dating, engaged, and right through the wedding cermony. But, I immediately began to change and I couldn't tell that I was, and nobody would tell me. If my H had not been the person he was....I probably would have been dumped! Do you know why I couldn't tell I'd changed? B/c I had my focus on others instead of me. I don't mean having my focus on othersa in a positive way. It was a negative focus.
You can become that girl again, but it's not an easy task. When these old habits take hold....they are tough to break, you can do!
I can almost assure you that once your H begins to see that girl he fell in love with...he will fall in love all over again.
When you wake up feeling in a negative mood, quickly think about "your" goals about yourself instead of thinking about him.
Stay with us and post often.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Forgot to add something when I was talking about the way I was before I M. You see, my H & I brought out the best in each other. As long as a couple can do that, then that is great! But, a few years ago, we began bringing out the worst in each other.
I'm not defending your H completely here, just hoping to give you some thoughts. My H was very sweet, kind, gently, etc. But I was very moody. I would be "up" or "down", happy or sad, etc. Like you, I often woke up that way and it would dictate how the rest of my day would go.
Over time and with me having health problems....including depression, it took a big toll on my H's usual mood. Just as we can affect our S in a positive way, we sure can in a negative way. It sadens me to know how much of a negative influence I've had on him.
Don't give up, okay? I have been M many years to the same wonderful man, so it is very likely yours will get much better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The loss of the ability to have kids really sent me on a downward spiral. I was in shock for about 5 months, then an unbelievable depression set in.
I thought I tried hard. I tried 7 medications until I found one that works without making me sick, good old Prozac! I went to multiple therapists, had EMDR treatment for PTSD, went to a grief circle, had hypnosis and 3 psychiatrists. I even tried the holistic route with hormone treatment. Nothing worked until my husband completely snapped me out of it by telling me he didn't think he could "do this" anymore.
I think for the first time I realized that he could and would leave me. I had to sit around and think about how I could take care of myself. I didn't think I could, but I know I can.
I lived day to day for 4 years. Just getting by. That is 1,460 days of just getting by. No way to live my life. My definition of pleasure became just the absence of pain.
The thought of the toll it took on him makes me sad. Thanks again for the advice Sandi.
I always thought I was pretty simple. The most important thing to me is my family. I am lucky enough to have a whole bunch of sisters who are my best friends. I have cousins who are friends, aunts and uncles who are close. Not to mention nieces and nephews. Happiness to me is a house full of people eating and laughing. We've never had fights or drama. I also love to read and am usually reading more than one book at a time. I love to travel. I've been to Europe many times and lived in Japan. I love to be around people. I love the beach too.
In the past 4 years I have withdrawn into myself. Still spent time with the family, depression fades into the background around them. As soon as I get home, it is back. B/c my husband lives away during the week, I am alone a lot. I get very loney. I never lived alone and I don't like it. Also, we bought a condo here in southern CA and became house poor. So much for traveling. I tried to explain to my husband that I'd rather have experiences than things and that I'd rather not buy the place, but he won that argument.
I also am taking graduate classes. That makes me happy too.
In the past 4 years, even though I could still make this list, I felt paralyzed to do anything about it.
Oh boy, we are so past that. Our marriage would not withstand an adoption right now. That was part of the slow decline, I wanted to pursue IVF or adoption or surrogacy and he was unwilling to try. Thanks for asking. : )
Well actually I was speaking about you adopting a child with or without a spouse. I don't mean that in a negative way toward you M, but more in a sense that you would be doing something you wanted (M or not).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Sandi. I got it now. : ) I think that I am currently preparing for the worst. To me that means moving on myself, moving into an apartment. I don't think that I could do it alone.
The realy trick is to change for the better, but sadly, I doubt the majority of people get better than the way they were before M. Well, maybe I should not speak for them......so I'll just say that for "me"......I was always at my very best when H & I were dating, engaged, and right through the wedding cermony. But, I immediately began to change and I couldn't tell that I was, and nobody would tell me. If my H had not been the person he was....I probably would have been dumped! Do you know why I couldn't tell I'd changed? B/c I had my focus on others instead of me. I don't mean having my focus on othersa in a positive way. It was a negative focus.