-My husband and I were married 6.5 years ago. -He's in the Marine Corps. -I can't have children, lost both fallopian tubes. -I became very, very depressed. -I tried multiple therapists and various medications. -We live apart, Sunday evening through Friday morning due to a house we can't sell and a new job for him. This has just made my sadness and desperation worse.
I've been beating him up for 4 years, but just realized it now, after he said he may not be able to take this anymore.
That was last Friday. I remained calm (a first for me) and let him talk. Then we drank beer and played cards.
The next morning I asked him if he's sure, he said, "no, if I were sure, I would have done it by now."
We haven't spoken about it since. I have my head buried in the sand, I am afraid to ask questions because I am afraid of the answer.
I know I need to fix myself first, but I don't want to lose this wonderful man.
I was in a hurry when I wrote my initial post above. I have more time to give more details.
Three years into our marriage I became pregnant twice and lost both to ruptured ectopic pregnancies. I had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot have children. I became very depressed and was diagnosed with PTSD. For the past 4 years I have tried many therapists and medications and I just can't snap out of it.
My personality was very outgoing and I was very successful. I became very clingy to my husband and lost most of my interests. I read the books and realized that I didn't have a life at all and that the more my husband pulled away, I tried to cling to him.
He didn't do well with me depressed over time. He tried really hard, but eventually gave up.
I found out that he has looked into divorce. I found some notes he made. This was 3 weeks ago. He hasn't said anything since and as I mentioned above, I am afraid to ask. I wrote him a letter taking responsibility for my part in this. I asked him if he read it and he said yes, but quickly, I need to read it again.
He has started acting nicely to me lately. I am afraid it's the calm before the storm. We are currently short selling our home, which we'd be doing anyway, we are way underwater and in the military. We've been living apart for 1 year and that needs to stop. I'm sure it played a large role in all of this.
He cheated on me once, that I know about. Wasn't an affair, just a one nigh hookup. That eroded my trust in him which furthered my depression.
I wrote my husband a letter explaining that I know I need to work on me and get over mty depression over not having kids.
He read it and said that it was great, but it didn't influence him much. He said that it's been a long time coming, but he just doesn't feel the way about me that he used to.
I tried to tell him about marriage over the long haul, about ups and downs, about how love is work and you need to nurture it.
He just kept saying that he doesn't feel the same. He loves me, but...
I know I am supposed to get a life. I am working on that. I just feel so uncomfortable around him that it is hard to pretend I am okay. I was doing really well, but last night I broke down and told him he was breaking my heart and I cried. That made him sad and made him tell me he loves me.
I don't want to guilt him into staying. I don't want to logically convince him.
Do I just ignore him and do the get a life things?
I finished the book and it made me feel so hopeful. I have tried to get a life the past month. I joined a gym and started doing yoga, I joined a book club, I started doing more with my friends. I don't see him during the week, so it's not like this is blaringly obvious to him, I just have better stories to tell him.
I stopped calling him, too. What is sad is that he doesn't really call me. I realized that when I did talk to him during the day, it was because I called him. That is kind of discouraging. I stopped crying and pleading. I've become calm when in his presence.
I have a fear that this is not going to work.
I'm just going to keep posting here, hoping that someone will give me some advice or encouragement.
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I'm so sorry for your pain, but you have instinctively begun doing the right things! Keep it up.
Really really force yourself not to break down. Just fake it and then go let it out somewhere...work out...work it off. Do the yoga (I do that too)....Do about 12 sun salutations, and then relaxation. That's a full body stress relief...and mind relief too.
You have GREAT chances here.
Do NOT try to find out if there is someone else right now. That is the wrong focus and even flirtation will upset you...that is not as important as building on your positives.
Hang in there...you CAN do this.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I am new to posting here but have been reading for a while now, so take my advice for what it's worth ! :-)
I am so sorry for your situation. I know how hard it is to get that wake up call when it is possibly too late. When I would beg and plead or explain to my husband how we could make this work he just said I was bullying him and that wouldn't make him change his mind. I said "but you don't hear me". He said " I do hear you. You just cant force me to change my mind. Your determination to fix us isn't going to do it."
I found this site and realized I was just pushing him away farther. I was making him defend his position and dig in his heels. So I have started GAL and doing 180's. I have accepted responsibility for my part in the downfall of our marriage and have assessed what I need to change. Change for myself that is....... These changes will also be good for our marriage but will allow me to maintain who I am and who I am comfortable being.
GAL for you will be good and he will notice the changes even if he doesn't comment. He will also wait to see if these changes are real or temporary to try to "fix" things. Continue to read here and reread the book. Post as much as you need to and become an awesome actress around him. Act as if you are okay until you really are !
Good luck with everything and I can't wait until we can post our success stories !
Hi Jolly, I'm new here too. I'm probably the last one to give advice on relationships, but what belle said about pursuing, taking care of yourself, being the best you can be, seems to be working for me(sloooowly). I don't know if these techniques work the same for men and women, but hell I didn't know a thing about how to have a healthy relationship until the Bomb hit in july.
I pursued hard in the early days, probably trying to hard to undo the hurt I caused my wife in the past. I know it is hard not to, in my case it was a bad, bad idea.
Also just because your spouse does not acknowledge the positive changes your making, don't think they don't notice. My wife mentioned to my daughter, "whats up with your father, I wish he acted this way 5 yrs ago"
Hang in there, hopefully we will all get through this.
I do not know for sure if there is another person. I think there may be an attraction. Part of my H's job in the USMC right now is to be a full time student. He lives away all week and attends school at a large university. I am sure he is surrounded by young, hopeful women all day.
He has a history of lying to me. (3 times in the past) Only one included "cheating" on me and it was a one time thing while he was away. I can't pretend that I know the details, but he told me it was one night. He has taken great care to lie to me, and has done so to my face. I found out about each of the lies by snooping. This makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I have not been able to stop until now.
I am at the point that I don't want to know any information that I can't confront him with. sgctxok mentions above that this should not be my focus right now. I don't want a life where I have to worry about this all the time.
I believe for my marriage to work, he will want to work on it. He will need to see where he has been selfish or immature. I really don't think he is capable of this. That makes me sad, as I think he really is a decent person. Just a little selfish. I think when he grows up, he'll be wonderful. Too bad he's already 33.
Writing this makes me feel like I know it is over. That is sad. I would stay and work on everything. I have taken full responsibility for how I have negatively impacted this marriage. (depression due to loss of children)
My plan right now is to keep working on me. I can't really affect anything else.
