I was thinking about why "letting them go" sometimes works in cases of EAs and PAs if it is done quickly:
The new person is exciting and new, but... are they up for the commitment. This is where "cake eating" comes from. Your spouse knows you are reliable (hopefully), but the new person may not be up for the commitment.
By letting go you actually remove the safety net, and now they sometimes press the new person for commitment, safety and all the stuff you provided.
The new person might be overwhelmed by this neediness. Are they ready for a spouse and possibly children, etc? The affair enters the real world, and you are not the only dysfunction in your marriage: your spouse is dysfunctional too, and their neediness--once you remove the safety net--will come shining through.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
do your homework, and try to be evenhanded in everything you do -- nothing too dramatic
can you elaborate what you mean by this for the newbies sake?
Quote:
Work on yourself
hmm .. gives me an idea. want to start a thread on "what have you been doing to work on yourself?"
i ask for you to elaborate because i have found that my definition of "work" or whatever may not be the same as yours. in fact, i don't even know what 'work' is. i've been here long enough .. and i still am not used to the lingo.
i define work as 'GAL' .. 180s .. things that make you better. that could be things like exercise, going out with friends, etc. and 180s could be trying skydiving.
that's all good and fun. but then there's 'work' on yourself. and that's the tough part for me. how do you work on yourself? how do you gauge if you are making progress (without using your spouse as the person who determines if you making progress or not)?
i find that ic sessions don't help you with working on the things that made your m fall apart. they only help you move on and grieve. ic don't tell you to look at yourself and see what went wrong because you are who you are and you shouldn't be changing yourself for someone. love yourself just the way you are. so i'm torn - i go to the ic to help me find out what changes i should make or how to go about making these changes. yet, they also tell me i should love the way i am.
i ask for you to elaborate because i have found that my definition of "work" or whatever may not be the same as yours. in fact, i don't even know what 'work' is. i've been here long enough .. and i still am not used to the lingo.
i define work as 'GAL' .. 180s .. things that make you better. that could be things like exercise, going out with friends, etc. and 180s could be trying skydiving.
that's all good and fun. but then there's 'work' on yourself. and that's the tough part for me. how do you work on yourself? how do you gauge if you are making progress (without using your spouse as the person who determines if you making progress or not)?
i find that ic sessions don't help you with working on the things that made your m fall apart. they only help you move on and grieve. ic don't tell you to look at yourself and see what went wrong because you are who you are and you shouldn't be changing yourself for someone. love yourself just the way you are. so i'm torn - i go to the ic to help me find out what changes i should make or how to go about making these changes. yet, they also tell me i should love the way i am.
You ask some excellent questions. And you're right, we often say "work on yourself" without giving any guidance as to what that might mean...
So here's my 2 cents (ok, ok ... probably more like 4 cents )
Yes, as LBS's we must GAL (which for me means really GET A LIFE ... not just hit the clubs and party or stuff like that, I mean learn to live for ourselves. Classes, gardening, new hobbies, old friends, etc) and do 180s (more on 180s in a minute). Some of this stuff is what keeps us sane in the early days of our sitchs (if we can wrap our heads around any of it that is).
In those early days we tend to take on the blame, shoulder the sole responsibility for the demise of our relationships because our WASs tell us it's our fault. A lot of us make promises to change, offering the world if only they'll stay and work through this. Only to find out (when we find this site probably) that we are pushing them farther away with our unattractive, pursuing behaviour. IMO, too many then go too far the other way. Transferring sole responsibility for the demise of the reationship back onto the WAS. And this is where some miss out on the truly golden opportunity we've been given.
The REAL work! Yes, you should love yourself as you are. None of us are perfect, we all have faults and insecurities. But loving our imperfect selves should not be license to buy into the status quo. We can all strive to be better ... for OURSELVES. Most of us lost (or maybe never found) our individual selves... we've been children, spouses, parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, employees, employers, coachs, siblings ... we've spent our lives inside roles, often doing what was expected of us at any given time without stopping long enough to test it against what we might really want (who had time for that!!!). I would argue most of us didn't even know what we really wanted ... I didn't. I had completely lost sight of who I was. I met my H when I was 20 yo., married him 6 years later ... and not once in the last 16 years did I ever sit quietly and think about what I wanted for my life ... I thought about my family, about my husband about me as a wife and mother, but never about me as a woman. As an idividual. That got lost in the chaos ...
180s are an amazing tool IMO. Not just as a tactic to win your S back. Because I can tell you this, if you start changing things about yourself that you LIKE and are not making changes that are consistent with your true self two things are going to happen ... 1) you will not be able to sustain the change, and 2) your S will see right through it.
Stop and think about all the spew that came with the bomb, and since. Take the emotion out of the equation for a minute and sift through all that was said. Does any of it sting? I guarentee if you are really honest with yourself then there are nuggets of truth hidden amongst the hurt. THESE are your opportunites.
For me, the big one was control. H said I was controlling. I argued and said I was a dominant personality. But guess what? I was controlling, and manipulative. I got what I wanted one way or another. So is this who I am? Is it something I should just accept because I need to love myself just the way I am? Hell no. I love myself, and I acknowledge that I make mistakes. It's how we learn. So, I accept that I have a strong personality, but I am now aware of how I interact with other people and am conscious of being more respectful of others rights to their opinions and ways of doing things. In order to fight the control beast I dug deep, examined WHY (and by the way that word is the key to the work) ... and I discovered that my attempts to control and manipulate situations were driven by fear and insecurity (long story here re childhood etc, all in my sitch if you're so inclined ). That's what I went to work on with my IC.
We call it "mirror work" ... truly taking a look inside and asking yourself WHY...
WHY did I feel the need to control? WHY did I feel like I had the right to control? WHY was being right more important than being happy? WHY did I give more of me to work than home? WHY do I need external validation? WHY did I not listen? WHY did I take my anger out on my S? WHY am I afraid? WHY do I not love myself first? WHY did I never express my needs? WHY did I always do for others and never myself?
... and so many others .... depending on you and YOUR sitch.
This work is not for the wimpy ... it's tough stuff. It often takes us back to our own childhoods, to our early days of our relationships and forces us to get real with ourselves in a way many never do ... or will. Because it's hard.
But it's worth it. We are works in progress, we all have an opportunity to use the time we have now to get to know ourselves, shake off our roles/masks ... let go of being "Mr. Nice Guys" or Control Freaks or whatever ...
Ok, ok Starsky ... more like 6 cents, but it is what it is
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
pei, thank you for that wonderful post/explanation. i hope this doesn't disappear the way coach's "let them go" thread disappeared. (note to R2C: sticky this in case it does get mysteriously deleted)
i do find that people give advice without elaborating on it .. which confuses the newbie. advice is only good if it's communicated effectively and clearly.
i do find that people give advice without elaborating on it .. which confuses the newbie. advice is only good if it's communicated effectively and clearly.
I think it's best to keep things vague, MIL. That way, no one gets offended, and we don't encourage anyone to go off half-cocked in one direction or another. We wouldn't want someone to misread our advice, however well-intentioned, and do something stupid with it, y'know?
That's why I say to "do what works," GAL, set your goals and do your 180s and act "as if." These are all in the book, and if we play them right down the middle, it's best for all concerned.
we don't encourage anyone to go off half-cocked in one direction or another. We wouldn't want someone to misread our advice, however well-intentioned, and do something stupid with it, y'know?
That's why I say to "do what works," GAL, set your goals and do your 180s and act "as if."
Agreed.
I like to post the "vague" advice ... ie. Look inside, dig deep, find yourself ... with examples of what that meant FOR ME. I like pictures , illustrations often help to bring it into focus.
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
That's why I say to "do what works," GAL, set your goals and do your 180s and act "as if." These are all in the book, and if we play them right down the middle, it's best for all concerned.
so the whole point of this thread is to say "read the book"?
i've been here long enough .. and i still am not used to the lingo.
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