New here, been lurking in the shadows for a month. I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but it won't be easy. Childhood sweethearts,known each other for 39 yrs. now married 29 yrs, with 3 "adult children" 2S's-23and25,1D-21, all at home. Order of events; (excuses,reasons for my sitch)2001 best friend commits suicide, I take this hard and begin to self medicate with wine,and withdraw from family and friends. 2001,small business I manage is in trouble and fear losing everything- more preoccupation with outside forces, w says she feels lonely and needs more from me. I reply "I don'have time right now"(words to eat later) 2002 W'S father passes away, motherinlaw moves in with us part time, th,fri.,sat,sun.. Find out she as a problem with pills,alcohol etc.Home life is not good, this goes on for 3 yrs until middle son has horrific car accident and is in a coma for 3 months has to be moved to special hospital 150 mi away. Diagnosed with a Traumatic brain inj. among many other problems. Son comes home to begin long recovery, w has to sleep with him can not be left alone. 2007 mothinlaw has heartattack and is moved to a nursing home. Things are settling down until older son admits to a oxycodone addiction (starting at age15), I get him help-now doing fine. 2nd son doing better(believe in miracles)going to college part time. 2008 Wife moves out of bedroom, does not want to wake me as she gets up for work earlier than I. She is losing weight and hanging with new friends at work sometimes they go out for a few. She seems distant, being the genious I am, assume it is menopause. Feb 2010, on a car ride home for drug store she tells me ILYBNILWY talk. Granted we have been running a hospital/nuthouse the last 8 yrs and have not been close. More like soldiers doing their jobs, but I am devastated. I ask if their was someone else, she says no. O'k more menopause hormones I think. Does not come home Sat 7/26, wake up in the middle of the night and keep calling her cell. Sun morning comes home, was playing cards with friends and misplaced phone. Now it takes a son w/TBI to tell me how come she never invites work friends over to visit? Confront her on Mon after work, admits to A with a coworker. I am destroyed. Have heard of his name before as a good friend, EA for about 4 yrs did not turn PA until his divorce was final 12/09, says very few PA encounters.(who knows) Told GOD I surrender and need help, found a IC on that FRI. I told her we could work this out,I was not about to give up on 40 yrs of my life with the only women I ever loved. She says I was stronger than her and this friend was there for her. Says shes loves me like father/brother but not like lover/husband. That hurt the worst. I pursued the 1 st month (mistake i know ). She is still at home trying to sort things out.She thought I didn't love her and would be happy if she left. Obviously we have had 0 communication in our relationship and at times I was a insensitive jerk. She says its very hard for her to break it off with OM because he will be alone and does not want to hurt him. This is so hard, all of my family is deceased and only have a few close friends and do not want to tell them anything yet.How can I GAL and work on myself when I have so many issues with my sons, they still need me. D is fine, junior in college and has been my rock. One other thing, w was somewhat shocked that children wanted to be with me no matter what happened. She I believe is still in the fog. I am reading both of Michele's books and trying to work on me. I will not quit or give up! I apologize if this sounded like a venting session and thanks for listening.
I am very new to this, so I won't be much help, but I know it helps to have someone hear and respond to your story. I think that you were wise to figure out quickly that pursuing does not work. I made that mistake for too long. Just try to remember that you have children who love you very much and you will have a life and a family no matter what happens with her. You are such a strong person from all that you have been through. You did not do anything wrong b/c marriage comes with hard times and being committed to a marriage means working with your partner through them, and not using the hard times as an excuse to pursue other options. Keep that in mind. In any marriage your wife would have to face problems, it is a character flaw that she chose to have an affair to help deal with them. As far as doing a GAL when you have responsibilities in the home, I found that praying helped a lot. Being thankful and happy for the blessings that you have is part of doing a GAL. Your wife will see that. I know it's hard to see there is good in your life right now with what you are going through, I often feel this way at least. But I find myself often thinking, wow I complained a lot about the struggles that i had to deal with in my life before, but it is nothing compared to what I am dealing with now. I wish I had been more appreciative then. But then I will stop and think, I will start doing that now! Things could always be worse so I will start appreciating right now what I do have so that I don't make the same mistake twice. I find this frame of mind really helps. Sorry for my rambling... I hope this makes sense. I am sorry for what you are going through.
I would suggest you post this in newcomers and break into paragraphs.
You will get more responses in newcomers and it is MUCH easier to read with paragraphs.
People are here to help
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
lostandconfused6,thanks for the reply and the encouragement.
You are right about being thankfull for what I have now. If there is a silver lining in this disaster it is that my children and I are getting to know each other better. In the past they saw me as strong, but cold as steel.I rarely showed affection or emotion, working on this with my IC and it feels good to finally be open and let my shields down. My IC told me people with alcohol problems often cannot express their feelings/emotions easily or at all. Prayer helps ALOT!
Gutwrenching,thanks for your suggestion to move the post. WOW,after seeing and reading the post here i'm suprised anybody could follow that story. I am not a very good writer, but will redo before reposting on the newcomers board.
