Thank you sandi, I appreciate the candidness. While I could be completely wrong the OM never seemed to really be the issue with her. She did it, I'm sure she thought it would achieve something on some level to her but it didn't. She now lives with her dad. While she has admitted to hanging out with friends at work she feels the need now to mention when it gets brought up that she isn't looking to "go out"'bar hopping. That never really was her style anyway. Her aunt called me the other day just to say hey and mentioned something about her acting like she might be depressed b/c she goes to bed early etc. but they aren't with her all the time. When we do talk it's not like she seems down or anything unless a topic like last night pops up and she starts with the you deserved better stuff, etc. We talked 30'mins after that and she didn't really seem that bothered, that convo was more about her feeling like she needed to go work on her and stuff. While I wish there was a magic bullet I know that there isn't and ultimately she will have to be the one to decide to commit to trying to this.
One thing I absolutely see and agree on is the risk of exposing anything to the family.
When my W was running around town drinking herself into delirium day in and out, I approached her mother and other family members. Huge mistake. Not only that they were reluctant to effectively do anything about it, they made it worse.
I got the same thing verbatim, "You told my mother, you liar, I hate you and I will never forgive you as long as I live"
She now knows that I was concerned but back then while she was in her fog it was the last thing I should have done.
LBS is a lone wolf when it comes to DB'ing. Less everyone knows the better. I chose only one trusted friend to share my feelings and tactics with.
Talked to my wife briefly this morning. One of our animals needs to go to the vet so i was suppose to call her and tell her if I needed her to take the cat. I called and said thank you for offering to take the cat, but the only appointment they had was this morning and I had decided that I would just take her. If it was this afternoon I had a meeting and she might of needed to take her. After I told her thank you for offering to help out she asked me if I was being sincere when I said that and I said yes. She then asked me if I knew how to transfer some pictures she's had for a long time off her camera onto her computer. I said I wasn't sure and she said it's okay I shouldn't bother you with this kind of stuff anyway. I said it was not a bother to me. We then got off the phone, I said talk to you later and she said let me know if you need anything, get to feeling better. Then we hung up.
Pookie, yesterday you said to give it some time, not to push, which I don't plan on doing. You then said not to let her get to far away or the next person might come along. By not letting her get away do you mean I should occasionally make some kind of contact. How do you let someone not get that far away when you're not suppose to persue?
Also why was it important if she knew I was sick or not.
Well I talked to my wife again this weekend. Part of me now really feels like I have to just let her go and give us both space. We started texting and she threw out the, I just think we won't different things, which is fine that comment doesn't bother me. I didn't disagree or argue about it. We then got to talking on the phone and it just goes back to her depression. She talked about not wanting to get out of bed sometimes, feeling like she deserves to be alone, and that she deserves to not be happy. I validate and validate, but she doesn't have the words or know what to say except the same stuff over and over. I'm at a crossroads, part of me feels like the best thing for both of us is for me to just let go. She has to come out of this, I've listened and tried to help, but I feel like she is suffering with depression and as long as it is on going there's not going to be a thing to do to break down that wall. The only question I have is a small part of me feels like I'm abandoning her now when she needs help being pulled out of this. Overall though I diont think I can pull her out of this and unless she is willing to get help, she is just going to continue to sink until something or someone else comes along and she can repeat process.
Well I talked to my wife again this weekend. Part of me now really feels like I have to just let her go and give us both space. We started texting and she threw out the, I just think we won't different things, which is fine that comment doesn't bother me. I didn't disagree or argue about it. We then got to talking on the phone and it just goes back to her depression. She talked about not wanting to get out of bed sometimes, feeling like she deserves to be alone, and that she deserves to not be happy. I validate and validate, but she doesn't have the words or know what to say except the same stuff over and over. I'm at a crossroads, part of me feels like the best thing for both of us is for me to just let go. She has to come out of this, I've listened and tried to help, but I feel like she is suffering with depression and as long as it is on going there's not going to be a thing to do to break down that wall. The only question I have is a small part of me feels like I'm abandoning her now when she needs help being pulled out of this. Overall though I diont think I can pull her out of this and unless she is willing to get help, she is just going to continue to sink until something or someone else comes along and she can repeat process.
You validated her out of words. Now it is time to act.
Ask "Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?"
She is imploding under her own quilt. Don't be there just to pick up the sludge. Be there to hold it together.
