My H had an EA. He never apologised for it and sees as if he did nothing wrong. He even says hurtful stuff about it. He says he has ended the A but I am not sure. His phone and laptop are now off limits and password protected. If I touch them he gets into a rage, and it creates huge fights and problems with us. We have been married for 5 years and have a 1 yr old S. I found out about the A end of September and it had been going on for over a month. They were texting and calling each other saying how much they were both trapped in loveless marriages and how much sex they wanted to have with each other. So many things they said to each other. He spends most of his time on his phone when he is at home....probably smsing...don't know to who. If I ask him if he is talking to the OW he flies into a rage and says I should be able to trust him. I tell him trust is not imposed but earned and he tells me to get over my insecurities and stop being paranoid. If I can't trust him he says we better seperate. He wants me to act as if nothing happened and does not see how he betrrayed me. It hurts. If anything he points out incidents that happened before we were married. And something that happended immediately after we were married...I received a messege from a friend which said 'good night' and no matter my explanations he accuses me of having an affair. Which is not true of course. And now he brings it up and says we are even and the same coz he only did something that I did. He blames me for everything and uses double standards. What applies to me does not have to apply to him and vise versa. Anyway I decided to work on this marriage but what do I get...an unwilling partner. He does not even want to go for counselling or accept were he has erred and how much he has hurt me. If anything he blames for it all and says I should be the one to learn how to treat a husband. He says I do not respect him. (As if he does respect me). Whatever I do is never right and I am being constantly critised for evrything. This last month was not easy with so many things said between us esp from him. I am at my wits end and really thinking of leaving him I have found a place were I can go with my son. All I have to do is to pay my rent and go. If only for a month then I will move back home. But I feel if I do that it gives us time to think things through away from each other. He is always complaining about wanting his space. Maybe I should give it to him. The place I found is only for a month. (As I do not intend to stay there long term....I want to get back home afterwards) I really wanted to make my marriage work but my husband is kind of derailing every effort that I make. Maybe I fuel it by asking him all kinds of questions about his A and our relationship, as well as snooping...something he does not like. But I can't help it I need to know. In the past 2 mths he has opted to sleep on the couch in the lounge rather than our bed, despite me asking him not to. He says that's what he wants to do. I am sure he did or does it, to give him an opportunity to sms his OW. It really hurts me and I do not know what to do anymore. I want my marriage but as it is now I do not think I want it at all. It's too stressful and painful. My counsellor says I should not leave and try to work on things but how do I do that by myself. By staying will I not be smothering us to death. If I do not mention anything to do with our relationship we can talk about everything else....but is it that important. If anything, he tells me that talk about our relationship is stressing him. I try to create an environment were we speak harmoniously but sometimes we end up shouting at each other and we never reach any solutions but blaming esp from him. He never takes any responsibility for his actions and blames for it all. Somebody please help what should I do.
Have you read "Divorce Remedy"? If not, go get a copy and pay extra attention to parts about the last resort technique and affairs. Then read the whole thing again. Also check the last resort posts on this board.
Right now you need to do some dammage control for you, your marriage, and especially for your son.
Stop asking about the affair or snooping. You already know it is happening and he is not going to admit to it right now. You are only retraumatizing yourself and helping your husband build a case against you and your marriage in his own mind.
If you can stay in the house, but you will have to make the call. Spend time away from home when he is there as much as you need, but moving out is hard to come back from.
Try to take care of your immediate physical needs. Eat something healthy and comforting. Take some B vitamins. Get some sleep. I went for days without sleeping and got a nasty sinus infection as a result. I got some sleeping pills from my doctor, and it got me through the worst of it.
Ask friends and family for help caring for your son. I know first hand how hard it is to care for a little one when you are dealing with the immediate fallout from such a difficult situation. I know how hard it is, but he needs you to pull yourself together.
Be strong, even if you don't feel like it. This is going to be tough, and it is going to take time.
Sorry for late reply, didn't realise this one had posted as well. (It posted late as it was being moderated so I reposted thinking it had not posted at all) HFZ - Thanks for your words of encouragement. My son definitely needs me now. And I notice this days he is somehow more clingy and he follows me everywhere, even when his dad is around. He rarely spends time with him.
You can follow me on my other thread with the same title.
