The power of DB is in taking action, which you are doing, and seeing some immediate benefits. Perhaps you are now noticing that when you pursue, he withdraws, and when you withdraw he pursues.
Yeah true that is. We have always been in these cat and mouse games....but not to this extent. I have taken my hands off... and I think he thinks I will be my old self and start pursuing him again. I wont....and I pray that I keep it that way.
Is that really the best approach? I weighed it up and realised it was in my best interest for him to read the letter. Immediately after he was thru I took the laptop. On detaching it seems like I have to get kinda cold....yes I am happy when talking to other people but to him I am short and kinda cold. Is that the best approach?
H has double standards. Like what applies to him does not have to apply to me, and vice versa. So today I thought I would set a boundary and let him know how I feel. So I said 'I would appreciate it if u would act fairly and cease having double standards' Typically him he lashed out at me and told me that he does not have double standards etc etc. Kinda expected it a little. Anyway we ended up saying a lot of things to each other (not in pleasant tones, I should say - we really do not know how to communicate with each other without raising our voices and getting all worked up)
So some of the things that came up from H. 1. He wonders if the marriage will work to which I replied it can if we work at it. 2. He wondered what will be so different now when we have failed all this time - to which i replied our commitment and learning the right tools (we never took the time to do that) 3. He says he needs a weekend away to think and process things....I was happy that he said he needed to figure things out by himself. (I sometimes have my misgivings about taking that root as at the moment I am overly suspicious about his actions) But after weighing everything I think he REALLY needs that time and I will let him know he can go. He seem to mind what my views are in regards to the trip....as I once said to him 'u r using it as an excuse to meet the OW,',she is in another country though. 4. He commented about that letter I spoke about in my previous post. He said he does not want to go anywhere but stay in our marriage esp for son. I said to him that staying in M as things are right now will not work, as we will keep on fighting and things will get worse. Anyway the environment we are currently living in is not conducive for any child to live in. Right now he is still young (1), but when he gets older he will understand. 5. He said he is depressed and stressed, and I was the cause of it. (Says I accuse him of things he is not doing. (I said he is doing some very suspicious things and what he says sometimes is just so off). I pointed out to him that the depression is probably his conscience talking to him. 6. The last thing he said was that he wanted me to send the letter to him (the one I mentioned before), as well as some self help documents I downloaded. That was a surprise coz he has not really shown any commitment towards reading them. I am thinking of buying 'His needs/Her needs' as well as '5 Languages of love' and give it to him instead. He said he would read those when he goes away for his 'break'. I am not sure if he is sincere or if he would read them either as he said. Should I give the books to him or wait a little longer????.
Another thing I am spending so much time on my laptop reading posts on this site. (He doesn't know though). He has been concerned and has asked on more than one occasion what I will be doing and whom I will be chatting to. When he asks me next time, should I tell him something like: 'I will gladly show u my laptop if you will show me yours'
This weekend he barely spent time on his cell like he usually does. Was quite surprised
As I read about your conversation with your husband, I come away with the impression that you disagreed with everything he said. For every items that he opened up to you about, you came back with an answer -- and often, a disagreement.
I think you should work more at validating him. Examples:
1. He wonders if the marriage will work to which I replied "I understand. I don't know if it will work either, and have misgivings myself." 2. He wondered what will be so different now when we have failed all this time - to which i replied I don't know what will be different. It's scary."
You must stop fighting him. Whenever he begins to argue try to valadate and if you can't at least tell him that you are sorry he feels the way he does, then turn and walk away. It's hard to argue with yourself.
You must stop using the D word! You use it like a threat, and he hates it. It does not make him better....it makes him worse.
I suggest you read the following to find out what boundaries truly are:
One more thing, do not show disrespect to him. Respect if very important to him (as well as you). He will certainly not show you respect as long as you treat him disrespectfully. That may one of the reasons he has a double standard. Some of the double standards may be due to what he was told while growing up.
Oh, here's another link for you to read about what's attractive and not attractive:
Have just found out that my H has been talkin to the OW. Even though he had said he had broken it off and had stopped communicating with her. What I feel like doing right now is to throw all his staff away. I am so mad!
The other thing he went away for the weekend...remember that space thing he was talkin about. He didnt give me specifs abt where he was going. He was supposed to return home on Monday but later said the car had broken down. Anyway ended up not coming home on Monday but Tuesdeday (yesterday).
Things that are not making sense;
1. The OW also left her home on Thursday and returned on Tuesday but had supposedly gone to another country not were we stay. Wonder if she lied that she was going there when she was coming this side. 2. When he came back he had no trace of where he was...not even a single receipt. I checked everywhere. I think he is scared I will find out he was not by himself. Since ehn has he been this meticulous 3. The receipts I found were for another hotel in a surburb where there is the international airport. The name of the person written there was a shortcut of his name and he had apparently checked in on Monday when the allegedly car broke down. He says' he does not know whose receipt that is...maybe one of the 'guys' who was in the car dropped it.' 4. There were 2 wine glasses in the car...one under the seat one in the boot. He says he was having drinks with some guys. 5. The woman smses me and tells me things that have happened recently in our home...obviously she can't guess but someone should have told her. Like how my baby recently had nappy rush. And yet H told me he had cut all contact. 6. He bought a Man Utd scarf on his outing...he does not support Man U but Chelsea. Why did he buy it and for who...coz it's nowhere in his things.
I am just so mad and wonder how he can repeatedly lie to me and do these things. And to make it worse he tells me I am being paranoid and insecure and reading too much out of nothing. Could I be??? Don't know what to do (but I really feel like throwing his stuff out). I feel like he is just gonna keep on doing what he is doing and lie to my face all about it. He knows I will rant and rave but won't do anything. And this is really killing me.
4. There were 2 wine glasses in the car...one under the seat one in the boot. He says he was having drinks with some guys.
My wife would call me a gayrod and wouldnt leave it alone if I lied like that. Wine with the boys in the back seat of the car?
I was walking around my front yard one spring morning drinking my coffee and admiring my landscape. It was beautiful. Peaceful. Then all of a sudden across the street the neighbors are fighting in the front yard. He's calling her everyname in the book, slut, whore, you name it. Then he went inside and I can hear a chain saw coming from their yard. Dude cut a rectangle into the second story wall and pushed the mattress through it then came outside got in his Ford F350 and backed into her BMW several times before driving away. Just a story.
Things have just blown over....i mean really blown over. So we come back from work and he is just his usual self. Talking to me like he is talking to a rock with no feelings. I asked him how the OW knew so much abt what was going on in our life. He started blame shifting and giving excuses like always. The words that really got to me was when he told me that 'I am free to be friends with whomever I want to be' And I said 'even if u know I am not comfortable with it and it destroys our marriage'. Anyway I knew that this guy will never get it and that was the last of the last straw. I was so hurt, frustrated & angry I rushed in the bedroom and took his things away from the closet and was about to throw them outside when he held me and restrained me. This guy has really hurt me and given me so much pain. I told him if that 'friend' was more important to him than his family he just had to move out. He said he has nowhere to go and he will move month end. I told him I can't stay another day with him under the same roof. My son started crying and I told him that I do not want my son to grow up thinking that it's alright for man to mistreat women.
I am just so mad and wonder how he can repeatedly lie to me and do these things. And to make it worse he tells me I am being paranoid and insecure and reading too much out of nothing. Could I be???
Oh please. Any ONE of those six things you list above, and he's guilty as hell.
Paranoia is defined as an unreasonable or "irrational fear." There is nothing at all irrational about your instincts (nor your evidence), W.I.O.N.
Yesterday I went to my church counsellor I told her abt my H's vacation. She like me suspected something was really up. In her prayers she prayed for the truth to come out. Today it did...I didn't know it would happen this soon.
The whorefriend posted pictures on FB on Tuesday. When I checked thru the car I saw this other brochure...I called the numbers at the lodges on the brochure. Most said they didn't have those names on their guest list. One said we can't confirm if they were here or not. Fishy! So today the whorefriens posted some mor pictures on FB and something sparked in me...i compared the photos on FB with those on the Lodge's website. Guess what they r the same. The 2 were together all this weekend.
I am not crazy! I am not paranoid. Just kinda sets u free. The jerk is gonna find all his staff outside. Am done...and am now looking forward to my life alone with my son and what God has planned for me.
