Okay, first things first....Happy Little Friday!!!
I forgot when I woke up this morning.....very unusual....I have something preoccuping my mind today.
I need some advice/opinions as to what I should do, so I have come back to the well to drink the water again.....
Here goes....
Well as some of you know I filed for Divorce on Nov 17th and D day is February 11th. I do not want to continue in this marriage anymore, however I am open to trying to reconcile if my STBXW wants to try but really I do not care one way or the other at all.
I have been dating for the last 2 months and have had a blast and have met someone that I am more than mildly interested in at this point. In fact I am going to meet her tonight, she lives about 1.5 hours away. My D14 knows that I have been dating, in fact she is happy that I am dating. My S10 is not fully aware that I am dating, however when I told him of my decision to Divorce his mother, I did tell him that I would like to meet someone one day that I would like to share my life with. This info is important as I weigh my decision which I will get to.
Last night I got a voice mail to call my STBXW, I called her back about 2 hours later, was out to eat with the kids. (While out with the kids she texted my D14 to tell me to call her). When I called her back, she was pleasant and asked how I was doing.
She went on to ask if I would like to come over Friday night with the kids (her weekend to have the kids) and she would fix us all dinner. She said she wanted to do it as a thank you for helping her to move into her new place, duplex with 2 bedrooms. (since I kicked her out in Aug 09 she has been renting a room in a house from a lady that rents 2 of the rooms to women....my STBXW being one of them.) The new place will give the kids their own room which they will share.
Things between my STBXW and I heated up a little over Christmas (read up thread), she also knows that I am dating but no details. I still have cycles where there is some anger that comes and goes and just "simmers" a little and goes away. I accept it just as I accept that I will always love my STBXW.
My concern here is that if I go over there and have dinner with her and the kids, the kids will get a mixed message....D14 and I have already had this discussion.....she wants us to "start acting divorced" meaning no more hugs and kisses. (Daughter only saw one peck on the cheek, not the more heavy duty stuff that happened a couple of times).
The other concern is that as I start to get a little more serious with this other woman I really need to back off of my STBXW. I am okay with the contact we have had and I am still pressing forward with the divorce. After I am with my STBXW there is no pain, no emotions, nothing otherthan a smile because I enjoyed her company.
While I am open to reconciliation, I am not going to pursue it and to be honest I am not even sure that unless she met certain conditions (transparency) that I would want to try. Like I said I am open to trying, just not sure if I would. Since I have dropped the rope, I really have not thought about it one way or the other.
Side note here.....my STBXW has not asked me to do anything with her as a family or individually since April 2010, when she offered to come over and help plant some plants and have some beer.
Is this her testing the waters?? Do I care??? If I say no and she later reveals that she was reaching out, how will I feel??? Is this bad for the kids, does it send the wrong message???
FTR....I never have really completely turned my back on her.....my DBing was for me.....and I still am DBing.....always will.
The other concern is more hypothetical or rhetorical....
Let us assume that I was interested in reconciling......
What would be the right course of action if I wanted to reconcile????
Go over for dinner or don't go???? Which would be the better option for reconciling?
Being completely honest about what I want......I don't know if I want to reconcile.....
BUT
It would be nice to hear that my STBXW would want to reconcile, not so I could slam her and say "no effing way".....
I guess maybe more of "Hey look I came out of the tunnel, I realized I effed up and I would like to try"
Call it external validation for me, call it whatever......
I am not sure myself.....that is why I came here.
Taking ADVICE, OPINIONS and ANY WOOD PRODUCTS you may want to hurl my way.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I agree with Jack. You are no way ready for "more serious."
I would do a little dance with W to discover her intentions. She may be reconnecting. She may just need a touch and go. She may want to announce her move to tazmania. Who can guess? The "thank-you dinner" excuse is flimsy.
You are curious. I hear well-guarded hope.
If she is reconnecting (how have her R's been with the kids BTW?) it will be verrrry sloooooow. I doubt she will say "Let's reconcile now" even if that is her hope.
If this was 6 months ago, would you have accepted the invite? Why?
You cannot take into account the kids or the girlfriends until you decide whether or not you are open to reconciliation or not. What would a recon look like? A family dinner?
"STBXW, do you think you might be open to looking at a possible recon?" If yes, you go. If IDK, you go. If "no way in h@ll, I just wanted to thank you." Say goodbye. Settle the issue. You are not standing, but moving on. If you get really involved w/someone and 6 months/a year from now you say, "Sorry chicka, but I didn't really close the door on my M and she wants to give it a go again". I know you are not that kind of guy.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
