I just wanted some thoughts on my sitch. I recently asked the question "to expose or not" and got some helpful advice. But I am trying to figure out if it is really still going on and wanted advice from people with experience. I caught my husband to the best of my knowledge 3 months into the affair. At first he said he couldn't end the affair, but he changed his mind within the first hour and decided to work on it, but would make no guarruntees. He needed to see changes in our marriage. This was in June, and as we are both teachers we had the summer together. For most of the summer he did "kind of" try. He would try to talk with me more, gave me some hugs, and as far as I knew was not contacting her. I had access to cell, but no email passwords. He told me I could ask him to check email whenever I wanted, but it would cause tension between us when I did so I did not ask often. When I did, there was nothing except he had not deleted her from his address book. He still continued to listen to the cd's he made her. He was depressed, would not share details, and "majorly" gave trickle truth. Upon starting back at school, which is where OW worked, he got even more withdrawn. He said he was curious about her. He was bummed b/c supposedly she was in a new long distance relationship. He stopped answering his phone right away when I called. I caught him in a few minor lies as to where he had been, but as far as I knew no contact. Then one day I asked to check his school email. He did not want to show me and was shaking. Sure enough they were emailing each other. Nothing more than joking as far as I could see, but we had talked about no unecessary contact and this was it. I got very upset and asked him to leave. He did, and then I felt like I made the wrong decision. I asked him to continue to try to work on things, he said he didn't want to, but he finally decided to try agian. Then last week, after lying to me for two days, I found out he sent her b-day card. Now he says he is moving out, but it has nothing to do with her. It is our reltionship that is causing him to move out. Do I believe that? What should my next step be?
Stop believing him, since he's repeatedly lied to you?
You need to stick to your guns, L&C. If you feel the right thing to do was to ask him to leave, why did you then back down?
For whatever reason, I think it's clear he's addicted to this OW. He needs to decide what he wants to do, but YOU should make it clear that you won't live in an open marriage. I'm assuming that's what your position is?
You should call him on his crap. He's having an affair even if it's only EA at this point and that's why he needs to go. You won't tolerate living in an open marriage(if you won't, that is). Don't be afraid to speak the truth to his face when he says things like that. He won't like it but it will eat at him later on.
By the way, please keep to one thread so we can follow along. It's hard to follow a person's sitch when they keep starting new threads all over the place. Can you link your main thread?
Hey there. I cannot tell you if you should stay or go, or if you should expose the affair. You will have to decide how you behave because you will have to live with the consequences of your actions.
After looking through your posts though, it sounds like your first priority really needs to be to try to detach and concentrate on taking care of yourself. One tool that got me through the worst moments of the trauma in a podcast on iTunes called "Meditation Station." I know it sounds flaky and weird, but the one on dealing with a crisis and the one specifically for dealing with feelings of jealousy are priceless. They are also free BTW. I would listen to them right before seeing my H when I felt out of control and couldn’t stop my obsessive thoughts from making me feel crazy. I was always better able to deal with him then.
Once you can calm down and detach, you can begin to consider your options and find your path of action. Re-read “Divorce Remedy” and also check out “Crucial Conversations.” I think I checked out every book at the library, and these two were the most helpful and immediately useful.
One more note, try to lose that sense of having to make a decision RIGHT NOW that can hound you. You are in the midst of a crisis, but the decisions you make will have lasting consequences. Be sure you are making a real decision, not just reacting. One huge benefit to doing this is that it gives you back your sense of control and dignity.
It is unfortunately obvious that an A of some sort is still going on. His attention and emotional energy are going to someone else. I am sorry, I know it hurts. However, you are not along. This is very common. And to be honest, at this point I bet he goes even deeper undercover with the A and he might even get better at this body language and how he acts around you to throw you off. That is what my experience relays.
As far as what to do, that is always the tough question.
You need to stop asking him to try. First of all, try is a bad word. Trust me, I heard that word and to a lot of people there is a hug difference between trying and working.
You need to figure out what you need to fix about yourself. Look honestly at yourself and what are your issues. That is what you can control, that is where you can grow, and that has a much better chance of getting your H's attention in the long run.
Also, stand up for yourself. Do not facilitate the A. You will not live in an open M. You will not help support someone who is.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Gutwrenching- I do completely agree with you on acting differently as he tries to cover up things more. He will be so nice sometimes and I have been duped by this before. I will start to believe that he is really coming around and then I will find out information that suggests otherwise.
It isn't possible to stay in a trauma state forever. Eventually you will start to detach from them wether you want to or not. It makes all of this easier, but it is annother loss as well. The first time I realized way deep down, not just logically, that I would be ok if H never came home I fell apart. It was like I had 5 minutes of calm then grieved about it for days.
I continue to struggle with what my next move should be. He is planning on moving out this week. He has been so emotionally distant the last 2 weeks. Never asks me anything, doesn't ever tell me where he is going, or where he has been.
I have been trying to do a 180 and detach a bit. I don't talk about the fact that he is leaving, I don't ask about the other woman, I don't act upset or sad. I just try to act as if I am moving on, I think I am trying to convince myself that I can do this as much as I am trying to convince him.
Of course, even though it may sound pathetic, there is still a part of me that wants the marriage. He was no this person before the affair.I think he is acting as coldly as he is b/c he has convinced himself that since this is not something that is normally in his character that it is my fault that he had the affair.
But it is not my fault, and I am so mad at him for treating me like it is. His self righteous attitude, his inability to face what he has done to our family, and his selfishness make me sick. I continue to cover up the fact that he had the affair for him. I continue acting as if everything is normal. And it is a slap in the face to me that while I am doing this he treats me crappy.
When he leaves next week I really want to be able to tell my friends what has happened. I know from a standing up for myself vieew point this makes sense, but what about from a divorce busting stance. Each person I tell is another hurtle that he has to get over. On the flip side, I don't think he will return to the person that I married until he hits rock bottom. And I feel like that won't happen until he starts having some consequences for his actions. So far there have been none. Moving out is not a consequence b/c he chose to do that.
