Well, we could not wait until MC session on Monday and had at it last night until 2am and this morning from 7 to 8:30. For the first time I ended the R conversation. Tonight its supposed to continue, I am supposed to confirm that the EA turned into a PA on Labor Day Weekend. She is telling me now that she is on the fence about me and OM and I said that I was not going to pressure her into making a decision now but whatever that decision turns out to be, It can not include me and OM both in her life. I also said that until that happens I can not be emotionally available to her. She proceeded to tell me how miserable all those years were to her and how much I hurt her and that what I was asking for was not fair to her because OM gave her emotional support when she could not get it from me. She said I had been cruel and treated her like garbage, like she did not matter in my life. I responded that if she still thought all that, then her choice should be very clear to her and to me. I said I could not change the past and that the way I remember events in our marriage was very different from what I was hearing from her now and that it was very painful to hear. I said that every day that she kept any contact with OM was insulting and disrespectful to me and actions is the only way I would know that she was really sorry for what she did; not words. Who knows how this will end but I think this will be painful to me until the day I die. I said I was sorry for the way I had been in our marriage and that actions would show that, not words.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
Well, Its been a while. I have been here but mostly reading other people's stories. We have our third MC session on Monday and I have no idea what we are going to talk about. It's been five and a half months and I still cry every day. I do not in front of her anymore though. After the first MC session, she committed to end the R with OM but offered not way to confirm it so I do not know if it actually ended. She is still distant. I sleep on the sofa and she sleeps in the bedroom (my choice, I feel trapped in the bedroom and there are too many memories there). I am swimming in the mornings from 6 to 7 almost every day, so I am getting in shape very quickly. She registered for her class to get her teaching credential. I think right now she is just biding her time to finish that and get a job so she can finally leave without taking the kids out of state. Getting a job as a teacher these days is kind of hard so she is also doing Tupperware and playing the lottery. Given the odds of any of those things panning out(Tupperware is a money pit and now they are into MLM), it looks to me that we will be living together for a long time. I am happy that I get the time with the kids but interacting with her everyday is very painful. She now drinks beer on a daily basis (in the evening when I am home) and sometimes gin and tonic, Irish Cream Or Wine on top of that. Since she started running she is also into CytoMax, FRS energy drinks and all sorts of sports supplements on top of the medication she regularly takes for insulin resistance (a form of type 2 diabetes) and the daily morning and afternoon coffee and diet cokes. She still has no awareness of how much all this stuff costs and how potentially detrimental these things are for her health but I can't even have a conversation with her about this. I could not before the bomb anyway. She had a panic attack last week while running, because of a runaway heart beat and that made her consider a heart monitor. She probably would have gotten one years ago if I had not suggested that to her. That is why now I keep my mouth shut. I does not look like she is wanting a divorce anymore or in anyway limit my access to the children as long as she is around. She wants to take a long vacation in the Summer but wants the children to stay with her dad and brother instead of me because "I should not miss work". I think is because she is afraid that I will take them away with me to Europe and she will never see them again, not that I have ever threaten to do that, but it is in the realm of possibility.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
