I found out this summer that my husband had been having an ea/pa since March. He is a teacher and it was with another teacher. During the summer he wanted to work on the relationship. He maintained no contact. I knew things would be tough going back to school, but I didn't know how tough. Basically, since school started no contact went out the window. Now he doesn't want to work on the relationship anymore. I have kept this a secret from anyone/everyone who might be connected to his school. He was so worried this summer that if people found out it would effect his job. And begged me not to say anything. He still tries to scare me into not saying anything, saying that he would attack me back if people found out, or that he would not be able to provide for our son if he lost his job. I don't want that burden on my shoulders, knowing that i could put his job in jeopardy, but it infuriates me that he continues to have some kind of relationship with her while he expects me to keep quiet. It seems like he thinks that if he can just maintain a friendship with her, he can make it look like our marriage fell apart and that he and she started a relationship in the aftermath of that. So my question is- do I bust their affair and start telling people. Is there any benefit to that aside from just making myself feel better? He is planning on moving out at the end of the month.
Ignore the affair.Having an angry you to fight against will just push them together. Instead work on being happy. Go out and do things just for you. Do a 180. Be pleasant and bubbly even around him, speak softly, listen to him, don't talk about yourself and never ever mention her. Don't forget, anger is your enemy.I did this and it worked. Statistically affairs last on average 6 months. This of how you will feel when you do reconcile.
There's no reason for you to have to lie for him to cover up his affair. Whether you try proactively exposing, or simply stop lying to people when they ask you, this is HIS mess, and you should let him clean it up.
Consequences. Life works with CONSEQUENCES, and you do him (nor yourself) no favors when you rescue him from his.
Ignore the affair.Having an angry you to fight against will just push them together.
If I read her post right, tho, isn't she saying that "ignoring the affair" is the very thing that's making her angry, and causing her to lose her own self-respect?
I dunno, making "pushing them together" is a good thing. Maybe they'll tire of each other, and everything will flame out that much faster.
If people find out i know they would be forced to stay away from each other. They would both be very embarrassed. But i also know that he would be extremely angry at me, and possibly feel the need to leave his job. I just get so mad, though, for some reason especially at her, that they are bold enough to continue this "friendship" (or whatever it is i don't even know b/c he has lied so much). They should be embarrassed by there behavior!They should not be acting this way especially in a school setting. I also think that it is extremely unfair to me that people see us separating and don't know the circumstances. It makes it look as if I just let my marriage failed, when I have been willing to reconcile from the start. So I feel as if i am caught between a rock and a hard place. Bust the divorce and save my self- respect but probably lose all hopes of reconciling. Or don't bust, keep a slight chance of reconciling, and carry this burden on my shoulders. This is all so unfair!
If people find out i know they would be forced to stay away from each other. They would both be very embarrassed. But i also know that he would be extremely angry at me, and possibly feel the need to leave his job.
So what I hear you saying is (and you know your situation better than any of us do), one way separates the two of them, and the other way makes him really angry.
So I feel as if i am caught between a rock and a hard place. Bust the divorce and save my self- respect but probably lose all hopes of reconciling. Or don't bust, keep a slight chance of reconciling, and carry this burden on my shoulders. This is all so unfair!
Yes, it is definitely unfair. ALL of our sitches are unfair! It's unfair that my wife would voluntarily walk away from her two children, and forget all the great times that we had, but it is what it is.
I do think that what you say here is a FALSE CHOICE. I don't think you're guaranteed that it WON'T work if you stop lying for him, and I also don't think that you have a very good shot at reconciling if you keep their affair a secret. I think they're going to do what they're going to do, and what YOU should do is, whatever seems authentic and genuine to you and your values. Like I said above, I CERTAINLY wouldn't lie if someone asked me outright . . . are you?
Starsky- That really makes sense- to do what genuinely works for me. He is leaving me, and I have am the one who will continue to live with me for the rest of my life so I should do what works for me. Thanks for the advice. I feel like I am still trying to make decisions based on what will cause us to reconcile, but he is choosing not do to this at this time. So I guess living my life base on this hope is not a good idea.
There is no way to predict what is going happen/how they are going to react. So do yourself a favor and don't make a decision based on an assumption you cannot make. From my experience, when I exposed (to only my W), it made her furious and pushed them closer together for a while and pushed them deeper undercover so as to not get caught and deal with the drama. In the end, reconciliation is what is going on now...lot of luck involved to get to this point.
So what do you want to do? What do you need to do for your sanity? To expose/bust or not is a highly debated topic...I don't have a strong opinion one way or the other...but you have to be comfortable with the decision and the fallout from that decision.
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
Look up "The Stockdale Paradox." Coach talks about it a lot, and I think that's the best attitude to take. Someone else said something about considering yourself "already dead." I think that was from some war movie, not sure.
