Back on July 1st my H claimed he wanted to R with me. He apologized for hurting me, he broke off with the OW on July 3rd. BUT, never ever did he do anything to prove to me he wanted me back. Yes, he said he would never leave me again, that he would stand by me thru our long hard journey called reconciliation BUT as soon as I had a meltdown, BAM he was gone. He had words but no action. Didn't call me, didn't email me, didn't plan anytime together, that was mostly on my end. As everyone said to me, " you wanted him more than he wanted you." He kept saying, " I want to take it slow because I can't take all the negatives about how I hurt you. I can't live like that anymore."
He says he loves me but just wants to be friends. All the books I read and therapists I saw said he should have promised not to cheat on me again. He never did that. He never wanted to work at our relationship. Saw a counselor twice and quit. Didn't really want to go in the first place. Had contact with the OW for business purposes but I found out from a mutual friend. His lies never stopped.
Personally from what my life coach said and our friends including male friends, H wanted his cake and eat it too. He gets angry with me when I say to him, " you want your single life and be friends with me, to have that security knowing I am still your family."
What is up with these men ? How long does this take ? How do I know for certain if he is in a MLC?
Me – 56 H – 57 Married 29 years and in Nov. 30 years S since March 20
What is up with these men ? How long does this take ? How do I know for certain if he is in a MLC?
Cadet has given you the resources to read so you can learn about MLC.
The basic is that MLC = Confusion.
I think you see that in your husband but that is not for me to decide. You must decide.
MLC is a combination of childhood issues, depression, hormones, a trigger such as a death, sickness, or illness. Some of the above, all of the above, or maybe some other traits.
As far as how long does it take, that is an unknown. But it is not short, that much we know.
The basic strategy for surviving a MLC is to outlast it. So what we need to do is to start to work on you
Like what was said, you are being given a gift of time. You have only one choice. Learn to use the gift wisely.
Welcome to the upside down backwards world of MLC.
No one is answering my question ....How should my husband act towards me if he wants to reconcile? First of all, he wasn't patient with me and my meltdowns. There have only been 3 but after the first one, he said he wasn't coming back to me just wanted to be friends. He doesn't call or email me unless he has to ask me something. I was initiating the calls, emails, the "dates". But I have stopped. He never said he wasn't going to cheat on me again. He was still lying to me about his where he was and he had contact with his OW and never told me. Granted they work together but I found out from another mutual friend. The mutual friend said The OW went back to her former boyfriend. How should he act towards me if he really wants me ? Shouldn't I be a priority? Shouldn't he be honest with me ? Shouldn't he be spending more time with me than with his buddies? He was still going to a bar with young workers and customers. ( he knew this place upset me because I found photos, he was being very insensitive to my feelings.) Am I right to expect him to change those behaviors ? How can I tell if he really wants me and the marriage we had?
I know right? But what really irks me are the women, but maybe that's cause I'm a guy.
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How long does this take ?
No one has that answer, no one. The real question is how long can YOU 'stand' this? See that one you can answer and hopefully you should be able to surprise yourself down the road.
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How do I know for certain if he is in a MLC?
Well, no one here should be telling you if he is or not, we aren't professionals. Cadet gave you some links to read up on, and you more than likely have some time to kill.
MLC is for you to determine, not trying to take the easy way out but it falls on you, or you can go elsewhere and have people tell you there is no such thing, see thats an easy answer.
You have been married 29 years, and while he is hurting you like a stomach full of borken glass, 29 years should be worthy of some time invested by you to read up.
Pick up Divorce Remedy, and read it.
If you decide it is an MLC, I'd highly recommend posting here. Otherwise you'll get some rock solid advice elsewhere on these boards, just not really geared toward dealing with a spouse who is f-ing crazy in the head.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Snodderly says to be patient with MLC's , We have to remember to treat them kindly and with compassion during this time. have patience and respect their wishes to be alone, and above all else, when they do make contact, be a true friend and not make demands upon them.Please remember to just be a friend for now. It will pay off in the long run. BUT then Michelle's book says to stay away, you know the Last Resort Technique. So, what should I do? Be compassionate, patient and be a friend OR stay away ? Then if he wants to R .....how should I expect him to act towards me? No one has answered this question. Should I expect him to show remorse? If so, how does one show that ? My husband wasn't exactly calling me, emailing me, etc. He really didn't want me around all the time. He kept saying, " let's take it slow and see how it goes." Meanwhile he was out with friends drinking, out to dinner etc. He wanted his single life more than me, at least that is how I perceived it.
Right now? Your perception isn't all that wrong.
But this is a long game, think more like chess less like tic-tac-toe.
There are not quick fixes here, or elsewhere o this board. If there was, The site would cost money and the book would be thousnds of doallars. : )
Snodderly is right patience is your best AND most hated ally.
LRT...
can you do it?
Most people cannot right off the bat. Most people don't have the ability skill or mind set. Most lash out in anger most make mistakes that compound the situation they find themselves in. Some come out bitter.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You seem to be all over the place right now. If it was MLC, there's usually some kind of a major life change to act as a trigger, such as a death in the family, birthday, empty nest...just something that would make someone re-think their life choices.
Next thing is you have to understand that regardless if it's an MLC or not, you cannot predict or control the other person's actions. They are going to do what they want to do. The only thing you can do is change your actions and see what happens.
There are no guarantees as to if you act a certain way, he will also. I know it's hard to follow, but it is what it is.
Remorse is a result of when he has hit rock bottom and looks back and realizes that he has no one else to blame for his sitch but himself. What have you been doing for yourself? Have you been living YOUR life to its fullest?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
How should my husband act towards me if he wants to reconcile? How should he act towards me if he really wants me ? Shouldn't I be a priority? Shouldn't he be honest with me ? Shouldn't he be spending more time with me than with his buddies? Am I right to expect him to change those behaviors ? How can I tell if he really wants me and the marriage we had?
ACTIONS not WORDS. Cadet wrote to you believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does. Are any of his actions telling you that he wants to reconcile.
I can say that you will know when his crisis is over, there won't be any questions like the ones that you are asking.
During his crisis you can have NO expectations. So to expect him to change right now would be against the rules.
Start to read the resources, right now I can assure you that none of what we are saying is making any sense to you.
You are in shock. Thinking there is something you can DO to fix this. There isn't!!!!
He may have broken up with his OW but he sounds like he is still displaying replay antics. You have possibly become his new OW.
There are no shortcuts, no easy ways out.
Only thing that will work right now is TIME lots of it.
To answer everyone's questions, I have read all the links for MLC plus I have tons of books at home regarding this and infidelity. I do have Michelle's book : Divorce Remedy. I have read and reread them since April. From March - May 2010 I have done the LRT.
I totally disagree, I am not in shock anymore. I was back in March, April and May.
Yes, I have been trying to live my life as best as I could and I realize that I have to make myself happy, not my H.
Live my life to the fullest ?? NO, does anyone really? I could if I didn't have to work and had tons of money to travel.
I just don't know how to be anymore. Do the LRT or do things with H. I have done both. Sometimes it works and other times,not.
H tells me he will always love me, always be there for me, but wants to be friends. He can't take hearing about how he hurt me in the past.
The way that I see it and everyone else, he didn't want to compromise but I had to do it all.
Not so sure I can live with that anymore.
To me, marriage is a 2 way street. 50/50. Maybe 60/ 10 but nothing else.
I will admit that what I said could make him feel like he was a big disappointment to me. That is who he is, I truly believe that is how he always was but over time, it got worse.
It is all so complicated but I have been the one wanting this to work. He claims he did. But that lasted for 3 weeks. As soon as I had a meltdown, he was gone.
He has said to me many times, " doesn't it prove to you that I love you because I keep coming back?"
I could if I didn't have to work and had tons of money to travel.
Sorry to say....this ^^^^ tells me that you have not finished the work on YOU. Why do I say this?
What if milk became scarce?
What if gas prices sky rocketed because we just found out we only have enough oil for ONE left on the planet?
What if we were in a global war?
What if you lost your job tomorrow?
What if in your country they just past a law that says 95% of your salary goes to the govt?
What if...what if...what if...
At some point we must all find happiness in the sitch that we are in. Travel and fine dining are great BUT is that all there is to life?
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He can't take hearing about how he hurt me in the past.
You mean he would not want to be reminded of everything wrong he did? The nerve of him! Personally, i wouldn't either - i would much prefer to focus on the positive and a future with positive as opposed to a past with hurt.
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he didn't want to compromise but I had to do it all.
For how long did you compromise? Did you give it your all? If you did, why are so angry still? Did he put a gun to your head and make you do it? OR did you do it because you loved him? Can you love and let go?
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Not so sure I can live with that anymore
You do not have to...you can decide to move on with your life at any point you feel. IMO, the question is "how" do you want to move forward?
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I will admit that what I said could make him feel like he was a big disappointment to me. That is who he is, I truly believe that is how he always was but over time, it got worse.
Nothing like positive reinforcement to entice someone to want to work on a M. Do you really think that you reminding him of YOUR hurt, you making him feel like a big disappointment is going to make him want to work on the M? And if you truly believe that this is how he always was - then really what are you trying to accomplish?
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As soon as I had a meltdown, he was gone.
I don't know enough about the meltdown but hey...it seems like you were beating on the guy.
Cat,
Here on the MLC board we try and work on OURSELVES and outlast our spouses MLC.
Having said this I will challenge you to do me a favor...
List out the issues you feel you brought into the M.
I dare ya!
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
You obviously have a lot of rage in you right now and that's perfectly okay. That is what we are here for. Let it out on us and not on the MLC'r, because they really, truly can't take it right now. Not the truth, not the facts, not the history. None of it. They see what they see and that's that.
There is only one adult in this R right now, and that has to be you. So, just like a child with a tantrum, you have to lead the way. A child having a tantrum will stop once they see it is getting them no where. More so than if they are picked up and popped on the butt. Negative reinforcement. Positive reinforcement.
I am so far from being the perfect DB'r, but there are a lot of smart things here to hear and think about. But first, and I mean this in the nicest, possible way, you've got to get that chip off your shoulder, so you can move ahead.
