I am pretty certain now that my H is deep in to some kind of affair. Not sure if it is EA or PA, but probably both. It makes everything fit. Like how after the ILYBNILWY bomb he would pull away every time our relationship improved or I made progress concerning any of the issues he had raised. Looks like he may have already had an EA with OW as far back as May. I have phone records that show me something was going on and it was when H started to be more and more grumpy and critical.
After holding onto my reactions for about 2 weeks and suffering through H’s ‘no contact’ I decided I could think rationally about what to do. I had decided that not telling H of my suspicions felt too much like lying. I also believe that H had at one point been trying to get caught. I think he wants me to blow up at him and retaliate so he doesn’t have to be the one to end the marriage. That way he even gets to blame me in front of his family. I was getting legal papers in order because I felt a confrontation would maybe start the divorce process.
2 days before the day I had picked to tell him of my suspicions, H comes over to check some financial stuff. Ends up staying for about 3 hours doing family stuff and starting to (finally!) talk to me! He talked about stuff he NEVER brings up, like his abusive birth father abandoning him as a kid. We held each other tight as we talked for a while. He said he wanted to come on Sunday and Wednesday to talk and work on stuff at the house. He was worried about getting to see our daughter enough. On and on, but very slowly. The man looked terrified and guilty.
My gut instinct is that H fully intended to avoid spending time with me and maybe tell me about the affair. Instead he didn’t want to, at least not right then. I think he is reconsidering his decision. When he sounded guilty about needing to make a decision I told him not to worry and to take as much time as he needed to be sure he made the right decision. I think I need to continue what seems to be working. Being kind. Listening. Waiting for him to open up.
As far as the affair, either it is happening or not. I am still committed to my marriage. If I give him the opportunity to confess I believe it would make healing easier than if he were caught or forced to confess. I am also afraid of undoing all the progress we have made if he is having second thoughts about leaving.
As far as the affair, either it is happening or not. I am still committed to my marriage. If I give him the opportunity to confess I believe it would make healing easier than if he were caught or forced to confess.
Affairs are highly addictive. If he IS having one, he's NOT going to give it up voluntarily.
Ever see an alcoholic give up booze voluntarily? A gambling addict give up the slots? Not without hitting bottom.
We have been seperated since mid July, but it is kind of wierd. He is staying with his parents and when his sister asked a few weeks ago if she should tell her kids yet he said no. That was before he went 'no contact' on me though.
As far as adiction and affairs, yes, I do believe that I will have to confront him about the affair at some point. I feel strong enough and detached enough to do it. Just feels like shooting myself in the foot to do it now.
Just as a side note since you mentioned adiction, alcohol is going to be a topic for discussion too. I don't know if he is chemically dependent on drinking or not, but I feel strongly that it is an emotional adiction for him. He self medicates when upset and uses it as an excuse for poor decisions or just plain inaction.
Ever see an alcoholic give up booze voluntarily? A gambling addict give up the slots?
I actually have... when they decided to do it, but it rarely happens (as in almost never) without other life-changing events taking place.
I've seen people change. Giving up booze for me was something I did cold turkey - and I had become a heavy drinker. Motivation is everything... length of time of use etc is a factor... but motivation is the biggest factor.
Funny... we try to box everything into one box and addictions are no different. Some folks can quit and go back to moderate, some even being near booze can toss them off the wagon... depends on their personalities, their issues and a lot of other stuff.
T:22, M:20 H:55 Me:45 H-OW PA: N/07 OW Jan08 Bomb:Feb/08 S: Apr/08 Back together Ap1/09-Sept/11 Oct, 2011, uncertain future/H is a mess. Dec/11 - Doin'friend mode. Some days are better than others.
Be prepared for some pull back and don't over react when it happens. Good luck!
Thanks for the warning about some pull back. It helped me keep my expectations a bit lower and I think that helped. H came over Sunday as planned. Overall it was a nice visit, but he wore out quick and still needed to hit the road. He was supposed to drive 4 hours to his grandma's house. She passed away in August and he is going to pack up what is left today.
No real talking this time. Seemed like he was just tired and starting to get grumpy. I told him I knew he had wanted to talk (reminding him that he was the one who wanted to talk) if he was tired that we would see each other Wednesday and could talk then. He said that would be fine, said goodbye to me & D, and headed out.
Think when I see H on Wednesday I will try hard to stay in listening mode. May ask early on about what he would like to talk about so it doesn’t build up. My IC also is encouraging me to get the ok for my IC to call H to try to get him in for a one time appointment. I plan on doing that. H had twice said he would go for a one time appointment, but has not done it.
Also plan to keep up some “behind the scenes” 180’s I know he will notice also. I am bad about waiting for him to finish house projects, so I am going to work on painting my D’s bed that we have been trying to finish together. Going to have dinner ready when he gets there too. I’m not always good about having dinner planned out. Little stuff, but noticeable, and it will give me something concrete to work on.
It takes time. I have been going through thing much as your sitch but W does not want to open up much. Everytime she does she blames me for bringing up our R.
You said what you need to do. Believe in yourself, do your 180's not for him but for yourself, and lower your expectations. You will feel better about yourself. Besides you want him to make the right choice, which is you of course, not force H into a choice.
HopelessIn Love
M and W:33 Kids M-10 ILYBNIL-4/2/10 Sep: 8/20/10 Back into house: 10/18/10
Thanks for the encouragment. It is such a valuable thing right now, and hard to find. Family and friends prety much wrote our marriage off from the day my H walked out.
I am trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I feel a sense of urgency since he dropped out of contact for those few weeks. I guess maybe the best thing I could do is address that and try to calm down. I took a sleeping pill last night to make sure I got some solid sleep. I have some my doctor gave me that I keep for emergency use only. Helps keep my anxiety from spiraling out of control. May go for a run tonight with my girl. She would like that. She takes off on her trycicle & I chase her. It is lots of fun and good exercise too!
