I am writing because I am a hopeless romantic and because my 30th wedding anniversary is on Nov. 8th and that will be a very tough day for me. About 6 years ago, S started getting unhappy with me and our marriage. He never said a word except when we would argue he would say, " I can't take this anymore." Literally, that is all he said. There were a lot of hurts along the way besides having many good times with raising our sons who have grown to be successful lawyers. ( Unfortunately, they don't want to get involved with our issues). S and I dated for 4 years before we got married and lived together on & off for 2 of them. You see, we love each other, but we never could communicate and resolve our problems. A little background of us. S's dad died when he was 13. He was the 2nd oldest of 6 kids but the oldest boy. His mother never worked and was very religious, judgmental and not a warm, loving & caring person. She just prayed the rosary and went to mass 2times a day. My mother was a functioning alcoholic. I knew she loved me, she supported me and encouraged me to be my best BUT never was there for me in my 20's & 30's when I needed her for emotional support. S was my best friend and helped me with my mom and understanding her. Getting back to S, so somewhere along the past 6 years he started being very unhappy. Then WE decided not to move to Dallas. S's company went there. He took a $35,000 cut in salary. Took a job in NYC and that is where, I believe, all our problems really began about 3 years ago. He started drinking more and more. I really thought he was becoming a functioning alcoholic like my mom. The lies started in June 2009. Telling me he was working late when he was going to Happy Hours with his much younger working buddies. The drinking was so bad, I pushed him out of our house. Well, during these 3 years he also mentally checked out of our marriage. No sex, no sleeping together, not wearing his wedding band, etc. Yes, there were times when he was nice and bought me beautiful birthday, anniversary, valentine, and Christmas cards with words that he wrote that touched my heart YET his actions were confusing. He loved me, he didn't want me. He never came home from work earlier than 10 pm. Many times it was 1 am. Thus I only had the weekends to talk to him. Once again, it would turn into an argument because I was telling him how unhappy I was with his behavior, could we talk about what was going on and once again he repeated to me, " I can't take this anymore, you ruin all my weekends and I am tired of hearing of my shortcomings." Fall 2009, I started to suspect he was involved with someone. He kept denying it. Jan. 2010 I called our car insurance carrier because I wanted my own policy. " you can't have 2 policies and live in the same house they told me. One of us has to leave. " I made him leave. I was so torn. I started seeing a therapist. Over the course of our marriage S and I went to 4 different counselors about 8 sessions with each. Nothing helped. No sooner we would walk out of the office, he claims " that is not what the counselor said to do." Once male counselor flipped out on S saying, " no wonder why your wife is so frustrated with you, you are making me crazy because you are so stubborn and refuse to see the other person's point of view." S denies this happened. March 20 2010, S moved out. 3 blocks away from me in a small apartment complex. I have lived in this neighborhood all my life. I had to drive past S's place to get to many places. His apartment was on fairly busy road. His apartment was on the street. When I walked, I walked past it. It was part of my route. I noticed as soon as he moved out, he started staying away from it. He was involved with someone. He finally admitted it to me in May 2010 But he was constantly lying about it when I asked him. During this time, he was the meanest person. A totally different person. My therapist and eventually my psychiatrist said to divorce him, that I never should have married him when they heard how he wanted to run away when I was having an abortion in my 20's. He paid for it, took me there, but wanted to leave me once he brought me home to his place. He finally stayed but I was laying on the bed crying and he never comforted me. That was the first of many hurts. April 26th I started taking Cymbalta. I was having a nervous breakdown. I bought many books about midlife crisis and eventually I bought your book. I did what you said about no contact. He then started coming back and wanting to talk to me. This was Mid May. This roller coaster of not speaking to each other then him coming around and saying he needed to speak to me went on until July 1st. He said he wanted to reconcile with me. He was still involved with her. He finally broke it off with her on July 3. He was very reluctant when I told him NO CONTACT with her. You see, she worked with him. She was a consultant. They were both IT people. I also said, "if you talk to her, you must let me know so I can start trusting you again." On July 1st he also promised me that he would never leave me, that he would be supportive of me while I was forgiving him but dealing with my own emotions. I told him it was going to be a long & rough road for me. He said he was staying no matter what. He wanted to take it slow. Three weeks later, I realized the drinking never stopped. I told him we can't continue unless he gets help. At this time, I was seeing a Life Coach. He was great in helping me. He wanted to help S as well. S went twice and quit. We never had a chance to go together. Mr. M never wants to see couples break up. He wants to save marriages / relationships. He has helped a friend of mine in this situation. But eventually Mr. M told me to forget S. That he was so into himself. Yes, he loved me but he wasn't in love with me. His words were cheap, his actions spoke louder. He did nothing to prove his love to me. He wanted his single life to come & go as he pleases, to continue his Happy Hours with co workers in NYC. He refused to tell me of his where abouts. I caught him in so many lies, I eventually found out he did have contact with his lover. Although it was business and she went back to her boyfriend. I am so confused. So many good friends have mixed feelings - divorce S / give him space and maybe he will come around again. I can't talk to my sons. They just say they want me to be happy and if it means divorcing then go for it. I know they are upset with S but he still is their father. Since I am such a compassionate person with a big, loving heart, I asked S if he wanted to spend Thanksgiving & Christmas with me and the boys. My sons don't live home, they are far away. S agreed to spend the holidays with me. I also said that down the road, when I get more money, I want a divorce. I will admit, I said this when I heard his lie about his contact with the OW S never wanted a divorce but now says he thinks it is a great idea. He keeps telling me, " M , I will always love you. I will always be here to help you but we cannot live together. We can only be friends. I don't want a life to hear how I disappointed you." I told him, I wanted to wipe the slate clean and start over but he had to be willing to go to counseling with me. No comment. I told him I need someone to be truthful & loyal to me and someone to make me a priority. A few times I asked him, who has more priority, me or OW ? He couldn't answer. That hurt. There was a time in September when he said he can't be truthful & loyal, now he denies he ever said that. Our friends including males told me to move on. That S still doesn't know what he wants. My oldest son says, " Mom, dad cannot never be truthful to you since he is not being truthful to himself. " I believe that. So, is this how it ends ? I keep rereading your book. I am not calling or emailing him unless a situation arises. For example, our oldest son is home now for a few days. We have been having dinners together so we can both see him at the same time. Should I just go with the divorce? S says he wants it even though all along he didn't want one. Please help. As all have told me, M, you have done 100% or more to improve yourself & your marriage. He hasn't.
Weekends are a little slow around here. You also wrote a book and it can be intimaditing to read all of that. Remember that everyone here are not professionals we are just giving out free advice. So take it FWIW.
First piece of advice is try to stick with one thread. Where you post will also determine what kind of advice that you get.
Your husband is in crisis, sounds like you are in crisis too.
So the first thing that you have to do is to forget about him.
You have to first save yourself. Because if you are in crisis you will not be in too good of shape to do anything about "S".
Originally Posted By: cat4554
I bought many books about midlife crisis and eventually I bought your book.
Have you determined that it was not a MLC? To be honest I normally post on the MLC board and it sure does sound like one to me.
Originally Posted By: cat4554
Should I just go with the divorce?
Is that what you want? I mean you always have that option. I would assume that you wouldn't be posting on a divorce busting site if that is what you wanted. I can guarantee that if you push for a divorce, you will get one. So be sure what it is you are asking for.
I am confused by what you wrote is he still with the OW or did he break it off?
He's walked on you for 30 years. Why do you still want him? Don't say it's b/c you love him. There has to be something in the person to cause us to love them. What is in him? Whatever it may be, is it worth be treated like this?
Being a romantic is one of your big problems. Stop living in a fantasy of life with him and start seeing your reality. Having romantic notions or even being compassionate does not change a mean-hearted man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You know what, after an evening like today, I don't want him back. MLC ? I am beginning to think he was always like this. He just doesn't understand what I have been thru and how I am still feeling. He gets angry at me, saying that I am insulting him. He has no problem moving forward and being happy but that is because he mentally checked out on me and our marriage a long time ago. I am still struggling with everything. My life has changed including financially. I can't even cry about it. Maybe this did happen for a reason. Maybe I do deserve better and I am not giving it a chance.
He's walked on you for 30 years. Why do you still want him? Don't say it's b/c you love him. There has to be something in the person to cause us to love them. What is in him? Whatever it may be, is it worth be treated like this?
Being a romantic is one of your big problems. Stop living in a fantasy of life with him and start seeing your reality. Having romantic notions or even being compassionate does not change a mean-hearted man.
Agree with Sandi. Time to put on your BGPs, and face this storm that Life has thrown you, straight-on.
