I just hung up with my mother and found she said the same thing a lot of people have said to me. Everyone tells me that they or "so & so" lectured my H and told him to grow up and be responsible or get out and let me and my kids move on.
Although I know they mean well and are trying to open his eyes, I wish they would stop. If given the option to be responsible or leave, my H will choose leave. He always takes the "easy" way out and leaving would be the only option that he would hear.
This happened when we had our first DD too. I had severe post partum and he was my saving grace for the first few weeks, right up until someone told him I needed to be left alone with the baby to bond. He listened to the "advice" and I have resented him for it since as this was the time in our marriage I most needed him.
When we seperated last year his mother had actually said to me "I wish one of you would started dating someone so all of this would make sense". This obviously brought me to sobbing tears as soon as I hung up.
I feel like everytime we are making progress someone offers poor advice and it sets everything back to square one again. How do you deal with other peoples advice towards your WAS? I wish people would stop giving leaving as an option and start suggesting he work on his marriage.
Me: 30/ H: 34 DD: 7 / DD: 4 Together 16 years, Married 10 He Moved Out: July 2009 / Came Home: January 2010 Left Again: October 2010
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I just hung up with my mother and found she said the same thing a lot of people have said to me. Everyone tells me that they or "so & so" lectured my H and told him to grow up and be responsible or get out and let me and my kids move on.
Quote:
I feel like everytime we are making progress someone offers poor advice and it sets everything back to square one again. How do you deal with other peoples advice towards your WAS? I wish people would stop giving leaving as an option and start suggesting he work on his marriage.
Coach is dead nuts on DB them.
I have been using the following structure to communicate and appears quit effective:
My observation, My thoughts, My feelings, my needs.
"I have noticed that you are giving advise to my spouse. I think my marriage is important to save. I feel any advise that goes against marriage from his support group is unproductive. I want you to help save this marriage by offering pro marriage advise only. Can you do this for us?"
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Coach- I'm not sure what you mean by DivorceBust the others. Any suggestions on how to do this?
Ready2Change- That is great wording, I will try that. But what if the advice is coming from someone I dont talk too? For example, his co-workers or friends that he has outside of our circle? Obviously, I have no idea what they say to him, but judging by some things he has said or done I have a feeling he is being influenced.
Me: 30/ H: 34 DD: 7 / DD: 4 Together 16 years, Married 10 He Moved Out: July 2009 / Came Home: January 2010 Left Again: October 2010
Why are so many people giving him advice? Has the subject of your M been discussed even amoung his co-workers and people outside your circle?
There is not much you can do to stop people from saying things, but you can show your H that you have hope for a good MR by showing him positive changes in you.
I think it would be best not to bring up the people and whatever they may have said to him. If he hears that kind of stuff everywhere he goes then he doesn't want to rehash it at home. You positive actions and sweet attitude will go farther than what others have said.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Involving family and friends in this process is one of the worst things to do.
Their advice is self serving. They may have the best intentions to see you both happy, but they are also looking simply to end the erosion so THEY would feel better.
