Lying and Cheating

[midlifewife]

another note, I have to see him daily to get kids after school so I have no idea how to go dark.

[courageous wife]

MLW

I am sorry that you are going thru this! I don't know why you haven't been served yet...mine came within a couple of days of H filing, in the mail, unbeknownst to me.

You do not need an L to sign the papers. Signing them just means that you aknowledge that it has been filed. If you are more comfortable talking with an L...you can make an appt and they will just charge you for the time (mine was $150 an hour...this amount was taken off the total retainer fee when I decided to retain L). The L will explain the options in your state and what the next step is.

I have spoken with a DB coach. They will be able to help you in how to act around H, give you guidance on how to speak with your H. Only YOU can decide whether to move on or not. BTW, moving on doesn't necessarily mean to give up hope that a R is posssible with your H.

Moving on means to GAL, take care of yourself and your kids. It also means that you have to think of yourself and your kids in the event of a D. Do not be afraid to ask for what you NEED in the D so that you and your kids will not have to struggle.

Not sure any of this makes sense but I have spent so much time and money trying to fix this marriage that he has been done with for months, how do you know when to fold?

Everyone says you WILL know when the time comes.

Try to not let the worry of when those papers will come...don't talk with your H about it unless he brings it up and if you are not comfortable talking about it then ask that you put the convo on hold until you are feeling stronger!

[Augtan]

So sorry you are here! It is a long, painful process to go thru an affair but when you add in a MLC with it, it is beyond anything I ever dreamed could happen to me, too!!

I never, ever dreamed someone could lie as much as my XH has lied and still look themselves in the mirror, so I get the lying too.

Mine too said he was never, ever coming back...and then the OW dumped him... and he started going in and out of the "tunnel" and even though he has never officially come back (we live 700 miles apart) I know he has searched his soul for a way to do it and just can't get there with all the MLC stuff in his way.

One mistake I made, that I highly advise you not to do and that is... give in on everything when it come to the divorce becasue you feel if you rock the boat or aren't completely agreeable he will never want to come home...I did that and lost big time!! He should have had to pay me alimony and he should have had to sell the house for a profit not let it go to short-sale...I agreed to both..he's still not home and we live completely below the means we are were accustomed to! It has been worse on my kids to have to leave everything behind because their dad is crazy than it has been for them to not have their dad around, because they don't want a relationship with him after all he has done, but being able to stay in their home and with their friends would have been a nice consoliation prize for all he took from us by destroying our family. We all lost so much and he could careless, he is the most selfish person I have ever known and I still ask how he could ever watch what he has put our kids through and live with himself, but he does and does it well! This is all the MLC husband not the one I married and I know that, but it doesn't take away what he has done and all the pain he has caused. I keep hoping my "real, non-ailen" husband will reappear and he might, but until then he is on his own. Like someone else said on here...he broke himself, so I can't fix him, he is on his own journey and I can't make him come on mine with me anymore..we use to be on a great journey together, but he got off and took another ship so to speak!!

I treat my XH very good and ride the wave so to speak when he is our of the tunnel so that if he were to ever come out he could honestly say that his XW was nothing but good and gracious to him and I will continue to do that for my kids, but no longer in hopes he will come home. I do it for me, cause being any other way towards him, makes me feel bad and it is about me and my recovery!! So, remember that your kids come first and don't give in to things in the divorce that is going to make their life harder in hopes that he might come home. Be nice, but be firm and have boundries that work for you and your kids!!

Hang in there! Everyone's situations are completely different so while someone else's might have an awful outcome, and their situation sounds a lot like your's doesn't mean your's will come out like their's...if that makes sense...and...pray, pray, pray!!

A

[midlifewife]

Thank you, I have never been so profoundly sad. He really thinks he has something with this woman, she is a nutcase and has targeted him from day one. I warned him and he disregarded me.
I appreciate the advice about the d. I am so torn over custody. He wants 50/50, I do not. I want them here as much as possible during the school week and said we could change it up over the summer but felt the consistency was necessary. He will not budge. I am lucky he wants to be a part of their lives like that, some men dont but I am afraid they will feel like ping pong balls. Anyway, I am very afraid of what this process will do and need, need, need to detach. I have to have a fix everyday of some sort even if it is negative, which it usually is. I want to hate him so bad but cant. I just wish I was not so sad and could gal. I am such an introvert so this is so hard.
Thank you again

[midlifewife]

I just ran into at the store, omg I am still shaking, my oldest son called her a whore and H is so ticked that we made a scene. He will never come home, he just got more ammunition to justify why he has to leave me. I am just sick.

[courageous wife]

(((mlw)))

First of all...BREATHE...so sorry you had to run into them! Ugh! You can't control what your S said...honestly, what happened today is not going to make or break anything!!!

[midlifewife]

THank you, I was starting to breathe and received this email from her..

For the record, I didn't steal T. How does one steal another's husband? Or one's wife, as he has been blamed for. A marriage must be pretty bad in order for that to happen. We were friends. For a long time we were friends, and you and anyone else can believe whatever they want to believe. Of course I loved him, he was the best friend I could have ever asked for--and over the course of time, we have relied on one another numerous times. Maybe you and Rod should take a long look in the mirror and start accepting responsibility. Maybe you should have done that in the first place and showed love instead of just expecting it. Don't blame me for your ignorance. You treated him like [censored]. You never showed him an ounce of love, and you forced him into marriage. Pathetic.


.. I am not responding but am devastated, could she really believe that we have been together for 22 years because I forced him into marriage? really. sick I am just sick. Please God tellme he does not believe that and this is just MLC at its finest. He loved me so much, was so protective and never ever did I feel our marriage was forced. I have to figure out how to go dark, so hard with 3 busy busy kids but this is more than I can handle. They have runined my entire Sat with the kids.

[irishblessings]

MLW -

You have to detach from the words. They live in a different reality - a vacuum or tunnel that they have created. This is a LONG process. I am very sorry for the interaction - I have been close to this situation as well - my kids are older though.

Show your kids how strong their MOM is...that SHE is the one they can count on - that she will GUIDE them through this storm - because NO ONE is more important to her than them!

It is the greatest gift you can give and the greatest blessing you have!

[midlifewife]

Thank you IB, I have read your sitch and they are similar, I love how strong you are. I feel like someone has ripped by arms and legs off and I am being expected to walk.
I will not let her ruin tomorrow, we are going to have a family day and let the house and laundry go. I cant feel like this anymore.

[irishblessings]

Well I am older and wiser:)
Tomorrow sounds great! I am throwing a baby shower for a friend (she's MUCH younger than me:))
Enjoy your kids!