Wife stated not happy 05/10. Left for 2 days. I freak out and move to parents for a few days to clear head. Ask to come home, wife says we are now separated until she decides what she wants. I say at parents and work on myself (not happy in life - therapy, workout, now feeling better.) Go on preplanned family vacaion. Move back in house 07/10. Wife still has no answer. Finally gives "ILYBNILWY". Suspect OM. Sleeping together in bed, wedding rings on. Perform Spy maneuvers, find nothing. I take a one week preplanned vacation. Return home to "I don't want to be with you anymore", but no D-bomb. I move to guest room, wife no longer wears W ring. Start Couples Therapy 09/10. Go for two weeks, wife has freakout and moves to parents house for one week. Moves back home and she goes to guest room. Next therapy session is wife and Therapist alone. Therapist wants wife to make a decision and end the limbo. 4 days later 10/10 wife drops D-bomb. Find out an EA had ocured for 3 weeks one month after initial separation. Ended. Confirmed ended. No OM in picture at all. Confirmed. We stay in house - want to let D10 and D 8 finish school. Intent is to sell house in spring and each get new homes. 50/50 custody.
Currently wife has decided she has no idea who she is, that she is likely codependent, can't stay married and figure out who she is and how to be happy. She states she still loves me deeply, wants to reman very close friends (including time as "family" and living within walking distance of each other)but doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She says she wants no relationships at all in fuure, wants me to find someone new to be happy, and that we wil all live happily ever after.
We are stuck living together for at least 6 months. I have been GAL and she has spent a lot of time hanging with friends and family. She drinks a lot, stays up and can' sleep, and sems very depressed. She play acts she is fine and fools most people that she is strong and happy. Spends a lot of time looking at real estate online and re connecting with old friends from past. We do some things together still, and as a family. I have chosen to act as though I accept all that is going to happen. Stop all talk of future relationship or atempts to change her mind. We are in a limbo...
My question is... I want to try to work on a new structure of our married life that works for us both. I wasn't happy with the old way of living either. She is determined to get a Divorce, yet isn't really doing anything but coasting right now. No papers filed, no legal separation. I can't see this going on for 6 more months and I am not sure if I should just let it keep going or if I should be doing anything. I am hopng she will at some point change her mind about Reconciling either before or after a Divorce. I am however realistic that I need to move on as though she will never want to. I am taking care of myself and am mentally and practically preparing for an eventual Divorce and life as a single man. Is there anything anyone thinks I could be handling differently right now??? Let it roll??? Moving out isn't a finantial possibility for either of us now. Plus our girls need to finish the school year. We get along very well for the most part. Occasionally it does get uncomfortable to be around each other because we both know that the Divorce is "supposedly" coming. We had sex with each other 2 nights ago and it was fantastic, but she now whants to talk about it wich probably means she doesn't want to do that anymore due to the confusion she feels from it (until the next time she gets extremelly horny and drunk...)
This is just a very wierd scenario to be living under and I'm wondering what peoples thoughts or observations are about it. What immediate things am I missing (or doing right) and what long term things should I be setting the stage for. Again, I hope we can ultimately Reconcile, but I'm not going to wait for it to happen.
Thanks!!! Hope to get some responses and nice to meet the folks around here (just wish it was for different reasons!)
Anothercasualty
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
By the way... sorry about all the typos. I do know how to spell in real life!!!
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
Tonight STBXW going to "happy hour" for elementary school class reunion. I will be taking D8 to final soccer game with D10. Tommorrow I am going with STBXW to actual reunion. Not sure why she wants me to go. I have asked a couple of times if she'd rather go alone and she says no, she wants me to go... I just see it as an uncomfortable situation, however I will be charming and light hearted. I hate gameplay...
I am trying to remain as "mysterious" and "disconnected" as I can while still living with her and seeing her every day. She seems to want to know what I'm doing, but not really interested in me, just the "competition" of who is dealing better with the situation. It's stupid. It's like she wants to just pretend that everything is cool. "See... we can all be happy that I am going to divorce you!" Yeah, right...
The hardest part to remember is that you are in this for the long haul, not just for today. At some point a little "reality check" has got to come crashing in on her. I wish I knew a way to help that happen sooner than later. I am well aware of the reality of the situation and what it is going to mean in the long run. She has no real idea what divorcing is going to look like, just her "fantasy" of it...
It feels like there should be some way to get her to actually grasp what a divorce means, but I am not sure how. I avoid talking to her about anything of any real significance because it does nothing but damage to the R. I hope she has an epiphany before the D actually happens, but right now that seems unlikely. Friends and family think she's happy (she's a good actress) and are helping her feel "good" about her decision. At some point she has got to see the truth behind what it means doesn't she??? Maybe not... I just keep preparing myself for the inevitable... What else can I do???
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
Sorry for sporadic posts... I was having "Cookie" issues...
Big quesion is how to handle the right balance between giving my W the idea that I am pleasant and someone she wants to be around and maintaining some level of detachement so that I am ok and so she doesn't get too much availability from me (hopeful it helps her "miss" me.. think about what I'm doing... etc...) I want her to realize I can do fine without her, but I don't want to be cold and stand offish. We live together so it is hard to limit contact...
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
Ok... my posts weren't updating, but now they're fixed!! Thanks Virginia!!!
Anyone have any feedback on my sitch?? Bueller? Bueller?
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
don't know what to tell you but its tough to act "as if". I need to let go also and this weekend is it. Mine has moved out and OM is involved but she is keeping me for backup.. Good luck
Wife stated not happy 05/10. Left for 2 days. I freak out and move to parents for a few days to clear head. Ask to come home, wife says we are now separated until she decides what she wants. I stay at parents and work on myself (not happy in life - therapy, workout, now feeling better.) Go on preplanned family vacaion. Move back in house 07/10.
Did you ever ask yourself why you freaked out and moved out for 2 months when she said she was not happy?
What possessed you to be so scared by her saying she is not happy?
Do you have a history of running away when someone says to you "I'm not happy"?
It's a very interesting reaction to your wife telling you she's not happy. She didn't even ask you to move out, she just tell you she's unhappy and you freak out and move out?!
For 2 months?!
And then you ask her permission to come back to YOUR home?!
You should analyze that behavior, that needs to be fixed before anything else will have a chance at being fixed.
...We had sex with each other 2 nights ago and it was fantastic, but she now whants to talk about it wich probably means she doesn't want to do that anymore due to the confusion she feels from it (until the next time she gets extremelly horny and drunk...)
This is what I would do, tell her "Wife we need to talk, what happened the other night can't happen ever again, it was definitely the wrong thing to do, I haven't told you but I've been seeing someone lately and I don't want her to know that I'm still having sex with my wife. Nothing against you personally, the sex was ok but it just messes up my mind especially when I've decided it's time for me to be with someone else. I hope you understand so that we won't be doing that again."
If she gets angry and tries to start an argument, leave the room and tell her you've said your peace and don't want to discuss it. It took you a while to accept that you guys were getting a divorce and you don't want to backslide on the new found positive momentum in your life.
If she doesn't get angry, no worries, you have stopped the discussion, you led it where you wanted to go, instead of you being rejected by her which is what she would have discussed with you (99.9% guaranteed of that), something like "I don't want you to confuse what we did the other night and give you false hope, I still want to get a divorce, blah, blah, blah"
And then you continue living your merry little life, you go out on certain evenings, you get a life, some nights you go out, looking really good like you're going out on a date (hint, hint, going out on a few real dates won't kill you).
You let her go. You've decided that this is the best thing. You're no longer attracted to her that way. You've moving on. You're making it appear as if you're the one letting her go and not the other way around.
Or....
You continue doing what you're doing because we all know that you've been extremely successful so far ;-)
[quote=robx Did you ever ask yourself why you freaked out and moved out for 2 months when she said she was not happy?
What possessed you to be so scared by her saying she is not happy?
Do you have a history of running away when someone says to you "I'm not happy"?
It's a very interesting reaction to your wife telling you she's not happy. She didn't even ask you to move out, she just tell you she's unhappy and you freak out and move out?!
For 2 months?!
And then you ask her permission to come back to YOUR home?!
You should analyze that behavior, that needs to be fixed before anything else will have a chance at being fixed.[/quote]
Oh yeah... Well, my timeline was a little screwy in my post. I was feeling very depressed and lots of self loathing at this point. They were my self issues that I needed to deal with. I was trying to do that, but not very well... She started to go out a lot (The start of the EA) and I became suspicious. I conronted her and she said she wasn't happy. She was beginning to distance herself from me when I had told her I realy needed her support through my depression. I freaked out over my life and that she was distancing (actually can't blame her... I was a mess) but I recognized I needed to time myself out and figure my crap out, which I did. I was very clear about why I was leaving. That it wasn't about our marriage, but that I knew our marriage was being affected by it. That triggered her into not wanting to stay in or marriage the way it was, which led to not at all. I have admitted all of what I had brought to the table, made changes which she acknowledges, but she started to fantasize about her "Fantasy Divorce" scenario (see my other post) and that was it. She was done. She dragged her decision out for several more months, but I think that was just her building up the fantasy enough to believe it until she now had the ammo to justify the destruction of our marriage.
I didn't ask to move back in, I just did. I asked her to start MC with me, start her own IC and she went to her own 3 times and to MC twice, then dropped the actual D-bomb. She freaked out about the pressure of it all and moved to her parents for two days, then came back and reiterated we were done and she was going to move on. She still hasn't admitted or accepted that she has some serious issues of her own to work on. For her, the divorce will become a panecea where all her problems will vanish and she will find happiness and contentment. I am no longer standing in her way.
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
This is what I would do, tell her "Wife we need to talk, what happened the other night can't happen ever again, it was definitely the wrong thing to do, I haven't told you but I've been seeing someone lately and I don't want her to know that I'm still having sex with my wife. Nothing against you personally, the sex was ok but it just messes up my mind especially when I've decided it's time for me to be with someone else. I hope you understand so that we won't be doing that again."
If she gets angry and tries to start an argument, leave the room and tell her you've said your peace and don't want to discuss it. It took you a while to accept that you guys were getting a divorce and you don't want to backslide on the new found positive momentum in your life.
If she doesn't get angry, no worries, you have stopped the discussion, you led it where you wanted to go, instead of you being rejected by her which is what she would have discussed with you (99.9% guaranteed of that), something like "I don't want you to confuse what we did the other night and give you false hope, I still want to get a divorce, blah, blah, blah"
And then you continue living your merry little life, you go out on certain evenings, you get a life, some nights you go out, looking really good like you're going out on a date (hint, hint, going out on a few real dates won't kill you).
You let her go. You've decided that this is the best thing. You're no longer attracted to her that way. You've moving on. You're making it appear as if you're the one letting her go and not the other way around.
Or....
You continue doing what you're doing because we all know that you've been extremely successful so far ;-)
This was my plan almost to a T. I am done being "available" to her when she wants emotional or structural support. I am doing what I need, when I want to and she doesn't need to know any more than that. I have avoided the dating part because I wasn't sure If I could handle her dating. I think that is just a stupid fear on my part, and it's time to get over it. It's going to happen at some point why put off the enevitable. Actually, she has said she has no desire to be involved with anyone and wouldn't be dating anyone anytime soon. I could always remind her of that when she starts, but I'd rather just focus on dating myself... Let her do whatever the hell she wants. I'm not buying the fantasy...
M 06/08 D10, D8 1st S 05/10 I move out Move back 07/10 same bed then me in guest room 2nd S 09/10 W out one week W back 09/10 W in guest room D-bomb 10/10 S - living together No D yet filed
