Those who's WAW wanted to work on M

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Hey guys,
it's me gr8 and I was looking for a little insight about the WAW wanting to come back to work on M

Last month I received a call from W stating she wanted me.
It was a half-assed attempt to "talk" about us. I asked her what she wants and while crying she said "I want you". I was calm and didn't jump at the opportunity.
I told her I was in a happy place now and won't go back to the crappy M we had before.

I also said to her " I have seen you over the past year and you are miserible and that's unattractive. I asked her what makes her happy.
She said she didn't know. I told her to find out what that is.

The following exchange with the kids I gave her a copy of the SSM. She started to reading it and texted me two days later saying she should finish the book before we talked. I agreed.

present day and my confusion:

It's been a month and she has not contacted me to talk. I won't bring up R talk. I am still out GAL and enjoying life.

For those who's W want to work on M , after the initial talk about workin on M, did your W's contact you more and wanted to R talk?

Or did they wait awhile before bringing it up again?

I am pulling away more now and still refuse to chase her.
I am losing faith in my W that she doesn't want to do the work.

Any suggestions on how to proceed??

Thanks, gr8

[Lost&Lonely]

Hi gr8,

I had an affair 15 years ago. We had 2 small children. The affair ran it's course and my H wrote a letter to me saying he was letting me go. I then realized I wanted my marriage to survive (I guess he dropped the rope). Anyway, we didn't have clue a as to what to do. I was still grieveing loss of OM (who was still calling me (for another few months, until I had courage to cut him off)) and H pushed me into sex before I was ready. We coasted for another 10 years and now I'm on this board because my H is DONE and wants out.

So with that background I would say:
1. Wait for her to contact you, if she doesn't, you have your answer
2. When and if she does contact you, both of you make up some ground rules that you can both agree to.
3. if she has been involved with anyone, she must stop all contact with this person and give you access (passwords) to all devices. If she says "no" it's a deal breaker
4. go slow, plan dates, be affectionate and friendly, but let her make the first move towards being intimate.
5. get counciling, this is so important. You need help to get over whatever pulled you apart. You'll need a 3rd party (with clear vision) to help coach you over the rough patches.

Not sure if I answered your question, but that's my insight

[Starsky309]

Agree 100% with L&L, Gr8. And I have BEEN in your very situation, although I'm not yet ready to talk about it. In my case, I made it far too easy for my wife, and let her back into the marriage far too soon. I don't think there was infidelity in my sitch, but since I never "snooped," I"m not even sure about that.

DON'T BLINK; let her be. If she doesn't re-contact you, you'll have your answer.

Starsky

[Coach]

1. Wait for her to contact you, if she doesn't, you have your answer - don't pursue
2. When and if she does contact you, both of you make up some ground rules that you can both agree to.
3. if she has been involved with anyone, she must stop all contact with this person and give you access (passwords) to all devices. If she says "no" it's a deal breaker
Boundaries

4. go slow, plan dates, be affectionate and friendly, but let her make the first move towards being intimate.

become attractive, learn and use the tools, let the cat finish the hunt


5. get counciling, this is so important. You need help to get over whatever pulled you apart. You'll need a 3rd party (with clear vision) to help coach you over the rough patches.

do the work, become aware, change the patterns

[futureunknown]

I can only give you insight from my failure, unfortunately.

A few months ago, my wayward WAW did come to me and said she wanted to work toward reconciliation. I didn't appreciate how the whole man woman relationship thing really works. She wanted to know reconciliation was still an OPTION for her. I had totally pulled away and it scared her, and her anxiety was uncomfortable for her. Once that anxiety was reduced, as in "Ok, I can still get H back if I want him", her interest waned significantly.

I had pulled away from her, and I did have my own life going pretty well, but when she came to me showing interest in reconciliation, I thought "Ok, let's give this a try", and I went all in, believing she was all in too. She wasn't. It didn't take long before my interest in reconciliation overtook hers, and she walked again. This whole man woman relationship stuff is very different from what I always thought, and it's taking me time to accept its reality. Whereas my W does want someone who listens to her, and is devoted to her, she also needs that challenge and drama to keep her interest up. Very clear to me from talking to her that she is oblivious to that fact. When her interest wanes, she uses her intellect to justify why, and it'll seek out whatever little deficiencies in me or our relationship to do so. When her interest rises, she uses her intellect to justify that too, but it's all BS.

I spent six months barely speaking to her, barely looking at her, giving her absolutely nothing. The result? Her feelings and interest grew and grew, until she had to do what she said numerous times would NEVER happen, she asked me if I would consider reconciliation. She never once pointed out, or complained, or criticized me for ignoring her all those months. She justified it to herself "He needed to heal", "He had every right to treat me like that", etc. When I asked her why she now wanted me back, she even said, after six months of treating her like she was hardly even a person, "You're nice again, like when we first met". Wow. Her intellect is a tool used purely to JUSTIFY how she feels.

After I decided to go all in on reconciliation, I treated her awesome. I was charming and considerate, and had nothing but good times with her. But once her anxiety was reduced, her feelings dropped, and then her intellect searched for any reason to explain it, like "H will never forgive me for what I did" (everything I said and showed her indicated otherwise), "H can't express his love for me like I need" (I treated her with admiration, respect, and passion), etc.

As gucci and robx preach here, it's only their FEELINGS that matter. They will search and distort and exaggerate reality to explain and justify their feelings to themselves.

gr8, in response to your question, I know that these WAWs will hide their growing feelings, and portray business as usual for a long periods of time, before deciding to reach out. You are doing what I should have done. Make them pursue you, keep them in crisis to motivate growth in them. I think you did awesome when your W came to you, much better than me. So it's been a month. That's nothing in the big scheme of things. Trust me, she hasn't forgotten about you, or about what you said. When she approaches you again, she'll probably have something very interesting to say, about you, about the history of your M, about the SSM book you gave her. Something. Be prepared to just listen, and as L&L said, stick with your boundaries. If she stays on the straight and narrow, you can SLOWLY start to give her a little of your time and effort. Make sure you keep HER on the pursuing side. That's how I failed. I allowed the tables to be turned so I was back on the pursuing side, and my reconciliation failed.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks for the replies and the steps(procedure) to begin piecing.

I am frustrated that she doesn't "get it". I guess this is how the WAS feels before they leave.

I do have some boundaries in mind already. Not sure if she will abide by them but that's her decision to make. There what I need to have a healthy R.

learn and use the tools

Agreed. you can have the "bestest" tool in the world but of you don't know how to use it, it is useless.

thanks again all, I feel better already.

[ArnieBGood]

When she brings it up again, consider attending Retrouvaille as a next step.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Thanks fut.

Iit helps to know what to look for when they "attempt" to R.

Knowing this information will help me recognize her behavior and respond accordingly.

I was thinking about emailing her stating this isn't working for me anymore and we need to move forward with D.
Some other some in there too.

I will sit tight for now and let her act. The ball is in her court and she has to convince me to play.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

What is the whole Retrouville about??

I heard of it from the boards. Is it a weekend long retreat for couples?

I know they swear you to secrecy when you attend but couldn't a MC work first?

IDK

[Edmond Dantes]

^^^^^That is some very valuable, very hard won wisdom right there.