Prior to kicking it into high gear for detaching, I would actively show H affection and would generally get it returned (a hug, a kiss, holding hands, etc). H would also initiate this at times but has been doing this less and is more distant and sometimes angry since he promised to have no more contact with ex wife (I believe he resents me because he believes I am the one stopping him from pursuing her even though I have shown him the door and knows I would not stop him from leaving). He still initiates a kiss goodbye when he leaves for work and usually a hand squeeze upon going to bed. There is no physical intimacy whatsoever.
I find myself withering on the vine over here. I am craving affection and really, really miss our physical intimacy. I just don't know what to do about this or how to take care of my needs. Is this a time where I just throw my need for love and my need for physical intimacy out the window?? Can anyone provide some coping techniques?
Thanks
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Yes, throw it out the window. Anything you get from him right now isn't going to be real anyway. It is hard, but you can do this. You deserve better than to get crumbs when his mind is elsewhere (OW).
Don't be surprised if the kiss goodbye and hand squeeze go away also.
(())
M39 W41 Two children WAW bomb dropped 11/7/09 Piecing Aug 10 - Nov 10 No longer piecing...Nov 10 Separation Jan 11 EA ends again Feb 11 Piecing attempt #2, Mar 11
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was just going to go back and edit but was timed-out. Indeed, I feel what affection he does show is rote - not meaningful. So are you saying just forget about those needs of mine at this time?
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Coach - I have two dogs - they are wonderful. But...um...it's not quite the same, you know?
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
I am craving affection and really, really miss our physical intimacy. I just don't know what to do about this or how to take care of my needs. Is this a time where I just throw my need for love and my need for physical intimacy out the window??
Think thru this. Why do you crave it? Can't you live without it? If your H was sick wouldn't you do without? PT is one of my LLs so I get it but sometimes you have to go thru the dessert to find the water. Now is a time to really learn about yourself. It won't last forever make the most of it. Thrive don't survive.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I crave it because that's just who I am. Perhaps it's not healthy at this juncture in the road with H, but in general, my physical and emotional needs are pretty functional.
I went literally from one day being told "I Love You" and being showered with affection to nothing - to him moving out. Seriously. This transpired in one day.
Coach - I guess I have to look at this as my H being seriously ill. Actually, he does have an illness. Not sure if it's MLC or something else, but he is certainly not thinking clearly at the moment.
A part of me dies every day I can't show the one I love my affection. This is even harder than not receiving his love and affection.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
A part of me dies every day I can't show the one I love my affection.
Which body part dies?
Have you read up on co-dependence?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yup. I understand co-dependence. There might be a bit of that in a mix - perhaps a bit of love addiction as well. Works in progress for me.
A part of my soul dies. When I committed to my marriage and my husband, part of the commitment was to love - always love. You know - the proverbial 'til death do us part kind of love. I haven't been a saint - I've not always lived this commitment. But I never forgot it and always worked my way back to the center. How can someone convince themselves they have stopped loving you and now "love" someone else? I just don't get it.
M9+ T 11+ Me42 H44 2 kids under 5 IlYBNILWY -3/10 A discovered late 8/10 H moved out early 9/10 - back two weeks later "Taking a Break" - H moves out 1/2/10
Hi, At the moment you are feeding off scraps, and it is these scraps that are keeping you going.
If you keep reacting to these scraps, then that is all you will receive.
I did the same - at first. The scraps feel good... don't they..?
Your emotions and 'needs' are blinding you to the overall picture.
If you are that desperate, get a 'womans' toy and lots of batteries.
Joking aside,, you need to bite down on your emotions, and stop looking for scraps.
Get your chin up, as you deserve better.
Do the hardest thing you will ever do and try and let him go. Do not show anger, neediness, ect.
Turn you emotions away from him and towards something else. I use my kids for this.
As coach said - get a dog, goldfish, hamster, earth worm, whatever.
But adjust your focus.
Regards, Gynandtonix
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
