I'm new to this place, however, have spent a little time over at Newcomers. Here's some background...
Married for almost 4 years, been with H for almost 13 years, have a 2 year old son and a baby due in 2 months. H left in September saying he did not love me anymore and could not see any way forward for our relationship. Lots of arguments during that time. I got DR book some time in Nov/Dec, I think, and started DBing. In Nov, H says he would return home to try again. H sends me a text message in error that should have been sent to OW, thanking her for something and ending it with Love H. All goes crazy - I completely blow up (started DBing after this). H finally gives me OW's number and I call her and have a long calm chat - she confirms there is nothing going on - I believe her at the time - still no proof to this day that anything happened. H changes his mind and says he is not coming back home. My DBing works and H returns home for Christmas, no word that he is staying. H is still here. I am haunted by a bad dream of him and OW.
Well here is the bomb shell H decided to let go of today during an R talk:
D: Did you love OW? H: Don't know!
Don't know! Don't know. Was certain enough that he didn't love me and still doesn't, although 'feelings' are coming back. Considering 'nothing' happened and he had only been in contact with her for a couple of weeks, the 'feelings' he had for her must have been extremely strong for him to not know if he loved her. He did want something to happen between them if he weren't with me. Doh! He wasn't with me. He left me in September, with a young son and pregnant with another baby.
As I type the words down, I am furious. More and more simply doesn't add up. How can you not know if you are love someone if you have only been in contact with them again for a couple of weeks. Surely you can't love someone within a couple of weeks.
The to top it off, unsolicited, he comments that in time, he thinks he would have loved her.
Well the answer to my question, negated the need for my next question which would have been do you think you would be able to love me again. And I told him this. His response to that was that I would be surprised. So I said, 'surprise me'. He said that he could definitely fall in love with me again.
I did keep calm during the whole convesation, although I did have a few tears falling from my eyes.
It feels like I am second best and he is only here for the children. It feels like he wants to be with her. So I offered him her number, as I still have it and he doesn't, so that he could call her and see where they stood - if there was any chance for them. He didn't take the number, however, taking it would have meant that he was ending this relationship before he could test the waters with OW.
I need to know how in a couple of weeks he is unsure as to whether he loved her. I though the answer to that would have been that he didn't love her - either that or it was more than a couple of weeks.
This is some serious venting and I'm not even sure if it is making any sense.
I don't want to throw our relationship away, however, I am standing still at the crossroads right now.
I am sorry to hear about your problem. I sympathize fully with you and can feel your hurt. I have a similar experience.
What I can tell you is please read the DR on the chapter of Infidelity. In my case, when I found out that My W has an EA with her co-worker, I confronted her. She initially refused to end the relationship. After few days of thinking, I have decided to use the LRT, ask her to choose between the OM and the family. It is unfair to us (me and two children). She finally agreed to end the EA.
It has been 1 month now. However, I am not sure whether she really keeps her word. After 12 months of being lied to, I have difficulty to trust my W. As they conversed mainly through emails, I have no way to know what happen at her work. She refused to quit her work or even take a long service leave.
What I can do is try to find out what were the problems that made her strayed, and try to correct them. It hurts when the person you love the most in the world betrayed you. However, you need to work on yourself and develop your PMA. Think carefully before you take an action. Does the action will bring you closer to your H or not. If not, do not do it. Affair is like addiction to drug, it is not easy to free up from that addiction. Without strong will, incentive and remedy, it could take a long long time.
I hope I don't confuse you more. However, I encourage you to keep posting. There are many good people in this BB who can give you advice from their own experience.
H and I had an R talk yesterday afternoon and are trying to work on things. He explained further what he meant about not knowing whether he loved her. The long and short of it is that when I asked him to not have any further contact with her, his mind often wondered what could have been and was left to wonder about whether anything could have been between them if we hadn't worked out. I can understand this, as when you do not have something, you can only wonder about it and see it through rose coloured glasses. He says is committed to me and the children, although the word that keeps coming up is 'his responsibility'. He doesn't want to move all his things back here yet, as he wants to be more sure. Sounds like a little lack of commitment and a whole lot of unsurity to me. Be patient and watch the small steps I guess.
Well I think I'm getting back to my usual self right now. The thoughts of him having feelings for the OW are still lurking around in my head, although I try to push them aside whenever they show up. I am focusing on me, my son and my unborn baby right now. H gets attention too, but we come first. Just trying to act 'as if'.
H and I are getting back to a happy place and have not let the last couple of days set us back too much. We've started leaving eachother little fun notes, which lightens the atmosphere a lot and makes us laugh, which is important.
Quoting raindeer: What I can do is try to find out what were the problems that made her strayed, and try to correct them. It hurts when the person you love the most in the world betrayed you. However, you need to work on yourself and develop your PMA. Think carefully before you take an action. Does the action will bring you closer to your H or not. If not, do not do it. Affair is like addiction to drug, it is not easy to free up from that addiction. Without strong will, incentive and remedy, it could take a long long time.
Raindeer -- These are inspirational words. Thank you so much for posting them.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Dienne -- Welcome to the boards but I'm sorry that circumstances warrant your being here. You have already received wise counsel from Raindeer! And it sounds as though you are doing wonderful work on your own as well.
I see a lot of hope that your H. told you that he could fall in love with you again. I know it's impossibly difficult but try not to focus on the OW and your H.'s confused feelings for her. (This advice is easy to give but hard to act on!!!). Also, wonderful news that you and H. have started doing special things at home again -- it's those types of things that will get you through the highs and lows.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Your advice is wise, as is Raindeer's. It's always easy to say the words, yet harder to act them out. That'll be some good self development for me - acting them out.
JamesJohn, moderator, from the Newcomers board gave some wise advice for when we are not feeling loving toward our S. It sounds awkward and even impossible sometimes, however, if we try to do something loving for our S, it often helps to get the loving feelings going again (on our part at least). I tried this yesterday and it worked. Yesterday, prior to doing this, I found myself looking at my H, feeling contempt for him and not liking what I saw - this was as a result of knowing how he felt about the OW.
I must remember the OW is not important and the more I bring her up the more I remind him of her - he may not have even been thinking about her. Contrary to that statement, he admits that he was thinking about her for a while prior to coming back home - which means that he could have been thinking about her whilst he has been with me. Ouch.
Dienne - Focusing on the precious things - the rest doesn't matter.
SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP, it is 3am in the morning, after 21 months of dbing and thinking there was no OW, I just found out there have been 4 over the past 10 years and he "loved" 2 of them. We looked like the perfect couple, the perfect family, I really thought we were. I always felt something was wrong and could never put my finger on it, and when I did, he denied, denied, denied, I believed, beleived , beleived. What I didn't know is waht a masterful, skillful liar he had become, and yet my insticts always tried to tell me different. He met them all at work, he initiated all of them, something I could not even picture him being caplable of. He passed himself off as the perfect father & husband. OMG the pain is so intense, so deep, the betrayl has been there so long. And what appeared to be a recent MLC was his most recent affair, which turned him into the meanest, coldest bastard you could imagine, YET I HELD ON I FEEL RAPED,USED, 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE CHOICES TAKEN AWAY, I CANT TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM AND SUPPORTED HIM, AND WORSE OF ALL, THOUGHT ABOUT HIM CONSTANTLY WAITING FOR HIM TO SNAP OUT OF WHATEVER I THOUGHT WAS WRONG WITH HIM, I have a counselor but this betrayal goes so deep in the heart I can't see getting thru this. Please sent this post to anyone that can help, my email is Amazontrail2000@aol.com I have 2 great kids who have been deeply affected by their Dads behavior, and yet he hasn't even dropped the bomb on them that he is leaving, I worried about that night & day which is why I DB'd so hard. I feel like I have a life sentence behind me & in front of me. He took my life away.
You have already received wise counsel from Raindeer! And it sounds as though you are doing wonderful work on your own as well.