[Dug]

NotFromThesePart,

Thank you for your reply it makes a lot of senesce and I agree with it. I was quite angry when I found out about the affair and she knew it.

But in my assessment I don’t think the affair happened because she was looking to make me angry; as a sort of a test to see if I cared about her. She knew it would make me angry and it did. My opinion as expressed about her having sex with another man is just how I feel now after many months of living with it. And the point was that I can live with it with out it ruining my life. I do not desire an open marriage and she knows it.

In my assessment her cheating on me was an expression of her wishing to break free from her life that she was/is feeling oppressed by. It’s a common them in our arguments; She feels trapped by where we live which is a bit expensive; she feels trapped by our house which takes a lot of our resources; She was unable to do the things she wanted because we worked and had responsibilities; and now she was going to be a mom and it scared her. The sex in my opinion was an expression of wanting to through that all aside.

That’s why I feel that tension now would be a bad idea. That what I need to do is give her some space to sort her priorities out. I understand that after doing so I may not be a priority, but than that would mean this divorce is the right thing.

I don’t want to trick my wife into wanting me back by acting like something I am not. By creating some temporary strong feelings that may make her think twice for a while, but then change it back once the tension and strong feelings die down as life resumes.

I am me; I don’t have self esteem issues, I like who I am. I am intelligent, caring, loyal, strong minded, gregarious when I need to be and quite when it’s appropriate, and yes I take care of my baby better than many mothers do. If that’s not enough for her than it would be better to move on.

[NotFromThesePart]

Dug,

It sounds like you are in a good place then. She may need space, but I don't think you should allow her enough space to let her forget that when you get the D, she will still need to deal with living expenses, the house, her responsibilities, her kid.

So, avoid tension, but responsibility.

Oh and about "tricking" your wife? Is it a trick? If you buy into the idea that affairs are addictive and people are not thinking right, then I say it is not a trick. In my case, W is (was I hope!) sleeping with her boss. I know that even if we get a D, this is bad for her. Would I trick her into ending it? You betcha. Eventually she will thank me for it.

We have real problems to be dealt with, but we can't deal with them while there is OM.

[Greek]

That’s why I feel that tension now would be a bad idea. That what I need to do is give her some space to sort her priorities out. I understand that after doing so I may not be a priority, but than that would mean this divorce is the right thing.

I'd keep walking if my H didn't care to work up a sweat fighting for our M. Just telling you how you sound to a woman.

I don’t want to trick my wife into wanting me back by acting like something I am not. By creating some temporary strong feelings that may make her think twice for a while, but then change it back once the tension and strong feelings die down as life resumes.

What if the strong feelings and second thoughts gave her pause, and the two of you actually talked about meeting each other's needs for a change?

I am me; I don’t have self esteem issues, I like who I am. I am intelligent, caring, loyal, strong minded, gregarious when I need to be and quite when it’s appropriate, and yes I take care of my baby better than many mothers do. If that’s not enough for her than it would be better to move on.

Get ready to be single, Dug.

She doesn't respect you. That's why she is sleeping with another man. Your posture at this time will not attract her, nor will it nurture any repair of the disrespect she harbors for you.

Greek

[Dug]

Greek,

Thank you for your reply.

While I understand what your saying and while it may apply in some cases; I don’t think it applies to my case. I do not feel my wife is testing me in any way; she only becomes angrier the harder I try. And I have tried very hard to win her back. She becomes happier, more amicable, and willing to talk when I ease up and stop talking about reconciliation. I feel that giving her space would be the best option to rekindle anything we may still have.

But I could always be wrong. In your opinion; what do you think I should do to show her that I am willing to fight for our marriage. What gesture would be appropriate?

[TimeHeals]

And I have tried very hard to win her back.

Step right up. Pop three balloons and you win a prize: a cheating spouse, and I'll even throw in pure misery as a bonus prize.

[TimeHeals]

Wonder what happens when you reward disrespectful behavior like cheating and other forms of abuse by trying to be more loving?

[Dug]

NotFromThesePart

Thank you again for your reply.

Right now our arrangement is that she must pay for all her living expenses and all utilities in the house as well as any credit card debt she has on her credit cards, she is also paying for a babysitter to watch the baby those times she has her but must work. I am continuing to pay the mortgage for the house. Her expenses match her income and she will have very little money at the end of the month. We are taking turns with the baby; I get her for a week, she gets her for week.

At this point in time there is no other man. The guy she slept with is no longer in the picture. But I do know that she has signed up for a Matching website; so there may be another man in the future. I don’t know what I will do at that point.


Thanks again for your correspondence; talking about this does help.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Dug,
Would I trick her into ending it? You betcha. Eventually she will thank me for it.

Speaking from experience or wishful thinking?

[Virtually_Handsome]

You don't win her back by trying to win her back.

You win her back by being someone she would want to be with.

Everyone says "my case is different". Almost all of them are wrong.

[freespirit]

Wonder what happens when you reward disrespectful behavior like cheating and other forms of abuse by trying to be more loving?

Abuse SHOULD NOT ever be rewarded...that is not biblical...it should be called SIN just as it truly is...love is a gift from God and those who abuse it; don't deserve it...
I was "rewarded" for my kindness with being made a prisoner in my home; having my stepdaughter disrespect me and my abusive husband GET WORSE...the only "reward" that he should receive for his abuse is MY ABSENCE...he has that now...