I was very active here about 7 years ago. My husband of 10 yrs walked out for OW. I lost my only child, my father figure, my sister through death and my husband through another woman all within 2 years. My life was a disaster. I was lost, alone, angry and ALONE. DB saved my life. It got me out of my own head and pain and made me focus on trying win back the XH. I had something to work for, something I could do, when my whole life was out of control. My faith in God and my DB efforts completely changed me. I learned how to really love someone else and put them first. For 2 years I took the high road. I was kind, never criticizing. I made sure he had copies of our son's photo, video, etc. He never made any effort to be kind to me but I kept DB'ing. The good people here were my friends, my confidantes, my support. Thank you, Michele, for this forum.
After 2 years, I started to move on. I started to date... someone I met here. He was local, his wife left him. We started as friends. We started dating and when he lost his place to live, I put him and his 2 kids up for 2 months. Some of the other here warned me something wasn't right about him, but I had 0% confidence in myself then. They were right. He didn't/wouldn't work, he was dishonest, had mental impairments including time in a mental hospital (ironically, his XW is a psychiatrist and he blamed that on her - I believed him). About the time I finally realized all that and told him to find somewhere else to live, he cheated on me. He moved in with her and 9 years later (small town) still lives with her, still doesn't work, lives off her and her mother and has another child with her. I could've been crushed - cheated on by 2 different guy, including one that I had confided in here who knew all my greatest fear. Instead, I was relieved to be rid of him as I sure didn't want that life. But... to get revenge for me kicking him out he contacted my XH and the OW and told them about my posts here. The OW came here taunting me, the in-laws posted, the XH did nothing but watch me get hurt even worse. That devastated me. Michele and JJ deleted all my old threads immediately to try to protect me but the damage was done. Add in that my closest friend here also decided that he was in love with me and that ended our friendship as I couldn't return the feelings. Lesson to you all... NEVER date anyone you meet here! Don't even consider it. 2 emotionally unhealthy people starting a rebound relationship never works - even if you think you're ready. The first relationship after D is hard enough with just your own baggage.
Fast forward 7 years... I went through 3 other relationships trying to find a good one, including 2 alcoholics and another cheater. It took all that for me to figure out that I deserve more. I had taken DB to the extreme - I became a doormat for any jerk who came along. I became their best friend, biggest supporter, enabler.... they gave nothing in return and I didn't have the confidence to believe that I deserved love and support too. I guess I was so afraid that they'd leave me too. The first relationship lasted 2 years, engaged and living together - until I finally got tired of the drunken rages and left. I lived by myself for 3 years and it was so good for me to be independent. I didn't need a man to support me. But what do I do? Find another drunk. So good looking that my hormones made me lose all common sense. I thought I was "so lucky" to find a guy so (GQ) handsome that women on the street would turn their heads and with a great job and he wanted me! So I spent 2 years helping him to get his photography business going, supporting him, encouraging him, working for free for him on weekends. What did it get me? Nothing in return. He invested nothing in me or our relationship. But I kept trying! Then he cheated on me. This time, I didn't DB, I didn't want him back. I was MAD! I got even and outed him out to his family and friends and clients. I tore down all I built for him. And it felt GOOD! Not very Christian though. But he'll think twice before hurting another woman.
Standing up for myself gave me confidence I hadn't had since the XH left. I joined some dating sites and I dated A LOT.... sometimes 5 dates a weekend. I was determined NOT to just fall into a relationship but to find a good guy. I did this for about 4 months. I learned a lot about me. I was honest, played no games, didn't get serious at all (not even kissing), just wanted to find me. My dating site bio's were painfully honest on my past, my present and what I wanted and didn't want. I wanted to skip the games, the drama and find a nice guy. It worked, I got a lot of respect for not playing games. I only had 1 bad date in all that - he was looking for rebound girl. The rest were all nice guys. I wouldn't date any of them more than once unless I saw a future in it. I found a very nice guy, a police officer. He was killed on duty before our second date. Took me a few months to move on after that and when I did I found my husband.
On our first date a shooting star lit up the sky and that was it... like we were made for each other. I have never been so happy in a relationship before. It was a whirlwind romance and we married a year and a half later. He has 2 boys that I love dearly. It was the family I wanted so badly and the man I always dreamt of. When we got married and moved in together after the wedding... reality hit. It's been a roller coaster. He has a short temper (but never physical) and stresses over money. The economy hit us very hard. I'm used to stress, he's not. We handle things differently. I'm DB'ing now trying to handle those differences. But boy, I do not have the patience I did 9 years ago when I was in my 20's! I'm not the same person I was then... more sure of myself now. So this is almost new to me again. I have another thread here with all that, though I don't come here for months at a time. Last week was our 2 yr anniversary. I do believe he's the love of my life, we just have to get through all this adjustment. I need to get over my fear that he'll wall out too or cheat too. I struggle with that daily even though he's not the cheating type and I know that. But I keep my guard up and I have to stop doing that.
So now it's 9 years later and the day before my 2 yr anniversary with H, I got a gift from karma. Out of the blue the XH' OW called me for the first time (all her torment had been on-line or calling and hanging up). This time the first words were "this is ___________, please don't hang up". She wanted to say she was sorry for all she'd done to me. I was right about everything that I had written here (she had read it all) about the XH. I was right about everything. She was sorry because now she knew how I felt as the XH had walked out on her too 2 weeks ago. She started in on how bad he was, how hurt she was, etc, etc. She wasn't sincerely sorry for hurting me, she was looking for compassion from the only other person in the world who knew how she felt - me. I told her that. After 9 years, I let her have it and told her to go to hell before I hung up on her. I wasn't angry at her for what she did to me all those years ago... I was angry that she had the nerve to call me and wanted me to console her. This was a woman who slept with my XH and even went to church with him. Who tormented me for years just to watch me suffer more. I owe her nothing. I cannot and will not have any type of relationship with her. Am I sorry she's hurting? Of course, I don't want to see anyone endure that type of pain. She made her bed though.
But I am thankful for that phone call. I got a final piece of closure now. I learned that it wasn't just me. Was I perfect in our marriage? Nope. But he has a habit of walking out on wives (left her the same way he left me). That is his issue. I finally accept that he didn't leave me for someone better.... that I am OK and lovable and it was his issue. That I really did do all I could have to save that marriage and I can accept that now without wondering anymore. That I really, truly no longer care about him, her or that drama. I moved on years ago and this confirmed that. And I got to see that karma is real. What comes around goes around and we reap what we sow.
Makes me just want to DB harder to keep the good man that I have. No marriage or relationship is perfect. No one is perfect. But we can all be kind to each other and hope karma is kind to us.
Lol - karma is a bee-atch! I remember you and I agree with your interpretation - she wasn't calling to apologize so much as to commiserate. She got just exactly what she deserved.
I read your other thread and agree with Ellie...you current husband sounds very verbally abusive.
It is hard for us to get a full picture, but I do detect a bit of lack of forgiveness (OW) and vengeance (photography guy) in what you wrote.
Maybe it is a difference in genders, but if OM ever called me up to say my XW cheated on him, we probably would have a good laugh about it.
As for your current problem with your H...it sounds like you wanted to drop the rope over a year and a half ago. Maybe it has just taken him a bit longer to get to that point. Sometimes, people need to grow apart before they can grow together. You best medicine now is to back off, find something you enjoy to do and let time figure this out.
I remember you and I agree with your interpretation - she wasn't calling to apologize so much as to commiserate. She got just exactly what she deserved.