This is a little of the story. I have been gone for two years and only getting home mainly on the weekend. My wife moved out a week ago, and this was a red flag on the field. I asked her several times if she was having an EA or PA with some guy, and her standard answer was no,no,no,no,no. I found this site several months ago, and I have been reading it alot. I bought MWD books on Divorce Busting, and I enjoy her solution based therapy approach. I bought both Dr Harley's books HN/HN and Love Busters, and I read them both. I gave these to my wife and she read them both. We are going to see a MC, and we are also going to IC with the same counselor.
My problem is that I am struggling with not telling the OM wife about the affair. The OM is married and has two children. I know Dr Harley states that you should get all of this out in the open. I know that the OM wife will never have a good marriage until they get this out in the open and go to a marriage counselor and work at repairing their marriage.
Also, my wife and I have three children. So, do I tell our three children?? Two of our children are in college right now, and I hate to lay alot of these problems on them while they are trying to make good grades in school, but I know in my heart that we would do better at recovery to tackle this together as a family rather than keeping it silent... and we would come out better and stronger on the other side of all this. Do I inform any of my wife and I circle of friends?? Do I inform my wifes mom and dad and siblings??
These senseless affairs tear alot of lives apart and leave a helluva alot of damage behind...
This whole event is terribly painful...
I consider the team here at Divorce Busting to be my mentors, and I also visit the Marriage Builders site. I follow MWD and Dr Harleys teaching now because they have a clearly defined plan, that is easy to understand, and makes perfect sense, and their plan works.
I believe most marriages are worth saving and rebuilding, and I know that MWD Divorce Busting and Dr Harleys method of His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters is the answer to rekindle most of our marriages.
I think laying this on two college students would be damaging to their school. It's hard enough as it is.
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Jack, Great thread there from MWD...I read it and emailed it to my wife... I have already consciously made the decision to forgive because forgivness is a gift you give yourself...but everyone benefits from forgivness in the end...wife, children, and yourself... I am glad I found this site when this event first happened because I have gained alot of valuable education on here that has helped me to handle this in a nice calm manner... I read alot here constantly... Thanks for the posts...
Whether or not you tell your adult children the truth is up to you (I personally don't think it's healthy for families to harbor secrets from each other), but I absolutely think you should reveal the affair to the OM's wife. Why should she be the only one of the four of you affected to NOT know the truth about what's going on? If my wife were cheating on me, I'd certainly want to know the truth!
Our daughters are coming to the house for Thanksgiving in 4 weeks, so they will find out the info by the time they walk in the front door. I may tell them a few days before they arrive, but I will make that decision within a few weeks. I have kept this from them for awhile already...the IC said I should consider telling them...he believes it is better out in the open. Thanks again on the posts.
Don't tell them that close to the Holidays do it now. They are adults and it will give them tiime to digest it before they come home. Definately don't lie to them and tell them the entire truth.
Sandi2, I have no goal about telling our children... I can not tell them, and let them drive up to our home and go WTF Dad...on T-day... Or, I could let them know 1-2 weeks before they arrive... Our MC says I should let them know before they arrive for T-day so that they do not arrive in a sheet pile... I am okay with saying nada... I just wanted to get some other mentorship of folks who have alraedy done this... I do enjoy all the great feedback... Thanks...
