I decided, early in my separation, that my wife was my best friend....ever. I resolved to NEVER allow the separation to hinder my friendship with her. I acted, from the very beginning, as a friend. I helped her move out by moving all of her stuff downstairs to help her to save money with the moving people. I loaned her money to help her get her new place. More than anything, I stuck by her when her parents were in the hospital (during March, as you remembered) and supported her space, as a single woman (her stupid boyfriend actually got jealous about her spending so much time with her sick parents). I tried very hard to not allow my pain, over her choice to leave me, to be reflected in my face, mannerisms or with respect to how I treated her. I gave her space and respected her choice to enter into a relationship with someone else. I never said anything bad about her boyfriend and was always there when he couldn’t or wouldn’t be there. We did have one big argument, but even the bad feelings associated with that argument went away. I attribute this to our friendship. Whenever anyone asks me how to act after they have been left by their partner, I have one answer...act like a friend. Perhaps all that will survive is friendship, but by preserving a friendship, you always leave the door open to something more. My wife's boyfriend began getting jealous towards the end of their relationship. He forbid her to see me (which, of course, didn't go over well at all with her). This guy was the one carrying on a romance with my wife, but he was jealous of our friendship. True, unconditional friendship is very powerful. I believe, if more people just concentrated on saving the friendship, in the true manner of a friend (along with making changes in themselves), most would have their lovers back in their arms so soon it would make them dizzy.
I still wonder about this...but I think my wife and I sort of made excuses to see each other under the guise of "family and business" matters. I think my wife really just wanted to have me near her as someone who wouldn’t pressure her into a "date" or sex or anything of that nature. Just someone to be nice to her, accept her and talk to her with no pressure. The way I figured, is that we had experienced the dating, sex and marriage relationship things. I sort of developed an attitude of "been there, done that". I challenged myself to be her truest and most devoted friend. The more I challenged myself and lived up to the challenge, the more inner power I gained.
Friendship........empathy, being there without criticism, being non-judgmental.....this is unconditional friendship.
Believe me, the decision to be a friend, against all odds, proved to be a major challenge. There were times when I truly thought of giving up, especially when the boyfriend arrived. Usually, I would come to this site and vent and request support and information. Michele, and the "family" here, never let me down.
My W says the hardest part of not being with me is that she lost her best friend and is not sure she can move on without me. She is also by BF. Everyone I know who knows us can't beleive she is gone because we always were BF's, chatting. joking, always doing things together. Its the one thing that binds us completely..
If we did not have that we both would have walked a long time ago.
i wouldn't put too much thought into that feel-good story.
lots of stories like that here already where the lbs tries to accomodate and play 'mr nice guy' to the was. only to get played by the was .. and cake eating.
let's be realistic. i got the same story too. that i was his bf .. yada yada. and then what? when money and division of property come into play, the gloves come off and so does the bff jersey. bff goes out the door and is replaced by manipulator man.
Look for the BFF thread if it hasn't been deleted yet.
My XW played the "we can still be friends" game just long enough to get me to do things for her and relieve the guilt from her (then) yet undiscovered online love affair. I got sucked right into the friend zone thinking I could win her back that way. Boy was I wrong.
Once she was done using me and I found out about her affair (post divorce) she took the gloves off and told me some very harsh things and she did absolutely NOT want to be my friend. She didnt even like me, much less love or respect me.
So how can you be friends with somebody that treats you with dissrespect like that? They are selfish and immature. And if you treat them like a friend they will never again respect you as a man. And withought respect they will never again love you. You will seem more feminine to her than her girlfriends.
Are you going to be her "gay boyfriend" and listen contently to her when she calls you to tell you about how her new man is banging her? And what happens when you move on with your life and find a woman that actually loves and respects you. Do you think that your new girl will be OK with you going out to dinner with your XW? Not trying to be mean but think about this.
IMHO you should not try to be her friend. Just the way I see it and it happened to me. I used to have the same fantasy. She may not love me and may never again but at least she respects me as a man and that is worth something. My dignity for starters.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
It will not end as friends. When money and property come into play you will see that she is not your friend. I have seen this on the boards time and again, and in my sitch and other close friends.
How can you be friends with someone who wants to rip your world apart? Think about that.
So how can you be friends with somebody that treats you with dissrespect like that?
You can't.
Originally Posted By: Dane
It will not end as friends. How can you be friends with someone who wants to rip your world apart?
You can't.
Rondo, she is telling you she wants to be "FRIENDS." HUH? You guys are "married." Married people are nto the same as "friends." Think about if you had a friend of your treating you the way your WAW is... would you still want to be "friends" with that person?
I think the "friends" thing is another part of the WAS script. You can't be friends with someone who has ripped your heart out.
When money and property come into play you will see that she is not your friend. I have seen this on the boards time and again, and in my sitch and other close friends.
you too?
see what i mean, rondo? that feel-good story does not mention what goes on in a separation agreement and legal battle when money and property come into play.
it turns ugly. period.
i don't want newcomers to read that and give them a sense of false hope. it's misleading.
