I have seen it recommended that the books (DB, DR) not be shared with one's spouse. I am confused by that advice and would appreciate an explanation of why that is considered a good thing.
Now I am aware that telling a spouse they 'should read this' is not an effective approach, but I am wondering why the secrecy. At first blush it seems a bit like a manipulative strategy.
My experience has been that improving communication and learning to share feelings safely have been the most effective means for improving my relationship with my W. Harboring a secret (like following the suggestions in the books) would seem to run counter to that.
Usually, the spouse who ends up here is fighting for his/her marriage, and the other spouse has checked out, is having an affair, is in a mid-life crisis, etc. In any of those circumstances, they've going to see the overt suggestion that they need to work on the marriage as pressure, which is going to drive them further away.
In reality, the information offered by those books teaches readers how to become better people, and therefore how to be the partner their spouse has been looking for. It's better to wait until that process has been finished (and the walkaway spouse has noticed the changes) before revealing the self-help book behind it.
Moreover, there's no point talking about a book meant to improve the marriage until both partners are ready and willing to work on the marriage. Once open communication has been established, then the love-busting spouse can check whether the returning walk-away is interested in the information in DR or DB.
Don't think of any of the changes you are making as "secrecy." Generally, once people come here, it's because their spouses have a lot of secret liasons, etc, that they're not sharing. Think of the books as a private coping strategy that will get you to the point where you're able to communicate with your spouse.
It might help to explain your situation, so that you can get suggestions tailored towards it. Also, try to stick to one thread, so people know where to look for you--those with a whole lot of threads tend to get dropped.
Thanks for the feedback Cyrena! I was unaware of the thread issue. Being new here, I am still trying to get a sense of the community and the various rules (written and unwritten).
What you say makes sense. It's not so much a secret as it is unfruitful to be perceived as trying to pressure one's spouse, which typically serves to drive them away more.
Good answer, Cyrena. The difference here is that only one person is interested in saving he marriage. So we have the LBS who used to be sad and clingy, and begging for another chance suddenly acting all happy and getting a life and not arguing with the WAS. If the LBS gives the book to the WAS, then the WAS sees that they are just following advice from a book and thinks that all the changes are fake. No one wants to come back to fake changes. Hence the advice -- don't show the book.
I don't know your sitch. Are you posted elsewhere? Your sitch would have to be a highly unsusual one to have your w benefit by hearing about you reading the DB books. In fact, to many WAS's it'll look like pursuit, or even manipulation. Like a book with "Tactics" in it.
Why are you here on this site, if you think she'd benefit by knowing what you are reading? I mean, don't be so quick to ignore the advice of the book's author, with its' pretty detailed explanation. Have you read them both to their ends? Sometimes people start the books and want to "share their insights" with their reluctant spouse. That has not, to my knowledge, ever helped.
A WAS usually wants OUT of the M, (or thinks they do,) or they want ACTION on the part of their spouse. Not announcements of reading materials with the implied promise of change. IF you need to change and the books help you, then DO the changes. It'll be harder to look as if you've changed if the spouse thinks you are simply "trying the new 'trick' in the marriage book" and that's gonna backfire. In my opinion at least.
Good luck. I'd need more details of your sitch to know what else to tell you if this isn't clear enough.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you for the reply, Lotus. That does make sense. Nobody wants a fake anything from a partner.
If the WAS were to observe the LBS in fact GAL, wouldn't that in itself be evidence, regardless of whether the idea came from a book or not? Does the fact that advice from a book is being followed automatically mean that the changes aren't 'real'?
My apologies if I'm being dense - my own situation is somewhat complicated, with my W and I having played both roles at various times throughout our marriage.
