Eh, what does it matter anyway. She's an incredibly intelligent and independent woman, I don't think it's so much she needs a man in her life as much as it is she doesn't want to have to answer to anyone else. If someone else wants that, they can have it.
Papers will be served tomorrow. I appreciate all the get tough advice but it does appear that many posting this give this advice in every situation they comment on.
I appreciate the get tough advice. That has helped. Reading on detachment, starting to live for myself more, that all has helped. Having someone suggest that my wife is cheating when I've been trying to catch her for four months without any success isn't particularly helpful. What would be the impact? Say I catch her? Then what? What would that help? Plus, many leaving the "she's cheating" advice always leave that advice. It loses its impact after a while. The "she's cheating" advice just gets me upset and puts me off my game, I become extremely paranoid and not my normal self---I just don't see the benefit.
We are collaborating on divorce right now. It's much easier for me to be balanced and the guy that I know that I am now that I know I'm not hanging in the wind waiting for her to decide if she wants to be with me. I've found peace in detaching, and returning to what works for myself. And so far dividing everything up has been amicable. She has said a few times during our meetings that she "has been second guessing herself" and that she "is emotional." She said that I was a great husband and a good man. Very strange to take all this in, but I'm doing my best.
I plan on seeing her tonight to divide up our monetary assets. Do you think it would be wise to pack up some of the rest of her stuff and take it over there to her, or would that be too aggressive, because in my heart of hearts, I really do want to save my marriage. Should I just listen and be upbeat tonight while we divide our stuff? That's what I'm leaning towards.
To address your signature, as far as what has worked towards my goals (spending more time together, us being open and transparent with each other, and eventually physical affirmation/kind words), agreeing to start the paperwork has been the only thing that has really made any progress. Seems counter-intuitive. Do I keep actively trying to divorce my wife to save my marriage?
My mother has suffered from diagnosed mental issues (bipolar depression, paranoid schizophrenia) ever since I can remember. She has called my wife alternatively to blame her, cajole her into "helping her (my mom) with something", guilt her into coming back. All despite repeated pleas to my mother to not interfere. A lot of my parents' marriage (they're not yet 50, I'm only 28) is based heavily on co-dependence, IMHO. It's something I'm trying to work through with the help of my IC.
My dad has got his hands full working two jobs to support my mom and my siblings. Honestly he has been helpful to help build me up but as far as how to heal the marriage, he has admitted that his advice probably won't apply here.
So, it's like she brings up R sometimes, should I just say, "I prefer to enjoy your company. Let's not talk about the R?"
If when talking about the R and if she pretty much says the same stuff over & over.....or if she starts with the blaming game, then I probably would tell her that, especially if you were out eathing or something like that. Sometimes a woman just has to talk about her feelings and that's when the man needs to just listen........but not allow any screaming, etc. from her.
Some men can't think of much places to take women on "dates" other than go out to eat. This time of year usually offers some extra scenes to see and enjoy fall festables, shows or whatever....depending on her taste. Getting out of the rut and experiencing new things would get her out of those old familiar scenes that trigger her wanting to talk R.
I doubt that she's in a "quater-crises", but she has reached a time in her life that she' looking at other opions and that could be a problem.
Quote:
My biggest fear right now is that all my hard earned progress of being my own man, detaching from her, etc. will come crashing down if/when we meet again if she is not hospitable.
Okay, read what you've said again. You've worked hard to become your own man. That is great. Every man needs to be his own man. The detaching process is gool. But here's your problem.....you've been doing it as a ploy to get her back. So, if she doesn't respond like you hope......then your changes will go down the toilet?
That is exactly what will happen if you're not making those types of changes for YOURSELF and no other person. If they are for her.....and if the M was to R, the changes wouldn't last a month! It has to be for you and it has to be for life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That is exactly what will happen if you're not making those types of changes for YOURSELF and no other person. If they are for her.....and if the M was to R, the changes wouldn't last a month! It has to be for you and it has to be for life.
I know that for me, most of my changes were extremely difficult to make; took a huge amount of thought and pain and perseverance. So the idea of backsliding is horrifying.
Our last meeting was very civil. I was able to be upbeat and chipper even though I totally don't want to be doing this divorce. Strangely, I think is kind of where DB wants me to be right now. I'm not acting out of desparation, I'm not clinging tighter...I feel more confident about standing alone and I feel myself returning back to the confident, decisive man I was before we were married.
We were able to get most of our stuff divided up without incident and I was able to wish her well on her grad school visits coming up this weekend. I honestly do want her to enjoy it if that is what she wants to do, regardless of our M status. All that is left is really to get an appraisal on the house.
I think she is noticing the changes in me. What is more important is that I am noticing the changes in me for the first time in a long time, I feel more secure in myself and am unearthing myself from years of learned co-dependence. Thinking purely of what I need for myself (and I don't have children, so that is ok...) is very freeing.
