Please let me know what is up. Helping others (or at least I try) helps to keep me grounded. I have had enough drama in the past two weeks to last at least a few months. lol You can catch up on my really long thread if you want to as I am trying to be good and not hijack.
Thinking of you and hoping things are going well.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Kat, I got to read a bit of your thread this afternoon--so sorry about the surgery (yuck!!) and the ex (THAT must have stunk!!)
I have had tons of up and down moments--I now just can not STAND to be around my H. He is pretty decent, complains that I don't talk to him (I try not to--it's evident!) and now just pays bills and there is no ugly "discussion" any longer.
Tomorrow he works for three days THANK GOD!! I detest when he is here for days on end!
Meanwhile, things with the handyman remain interesting. I definitely have fun with that guy--I haven't seen him in a couple of weeks, and he goes to N.C. on Friday for 4-5 days so I am not holding my breath, even though he said he would have to see me...
I just throw it out there when he does call--I haven't ever played so much with anyone in my life--I tease him mercilessly, and really work him over. He tells me I am killing him.lol. Good!! I want him to feel pain when he leaves.lol.
I went up to my stepmom's on Sat with my sister and it was awful--she just made it so clear we were done and she was moving on. She gave us a copy of the will and it was 4 years old--yeah, she knew what she was doing. My dad started going down hill at that time and why was the will that was in place for the previous 19 years no good???
She gave my sister my dad's jewelry box and of course took out the "good stuff". But my sister found a watch that my stepmother didn't realize what it was--I can't remember either but it is super expensive but looks like nothing. She is going to give it to my S 15. That was nice.
I have had horses offered to me right and left to train--I have my choice of a gorgeous black tennessee walker to work with, or an arabian mustang cross. or my friend's quarter horse. I love to train, have the time so far, and now that I spend so much time away from home I think it may be right up my alley. Keep me from thinking too much, and give me something physical to do.
I have had a bit of a flirtation with another person in my neighborhood--a paso (horse) trainer. Have known him for years and he has always been decent. He is a bit older than me, but seems in good shape (rides 4-5 horses a day) He is recently divorced and was really nice about my dad dying. We'll see where that goes--I seem completely incapable of talking to a man without teasing and playing--it seems to be an OK thing though--and it sure is fun!!
I've been reading up on threads on people who go completely dark. I'm not really using it to get back my marriage, although that sometimes does happen. I am using it to detach and get even more insight into this sitch and R. It does work--I've been blessed yet again by more clarity.
I honestly, before God and everyone else, could swear that I have done all I could to save my marriage. I am forever greatful for this board and the amazing people here that have helped me over the years.
I let my H "lead" this R and that was a huge mistake. Huge. Negative people have no business leading. You have to take that away from them and put them on a different path, if they will let you. We had everything, yet he convinced me and shamed me to thinking that we had nothing and I was so selfish for what I did fight for. He verbally is relentless and keeps on and on at you--coming at you whe you are tired, stressed, etc. getting his point across until you are beaten down and agree.
I am seeing my part very clearly as well. If someone has a complaint, that is fine--I will try to see their side and do better. But after a certain amount of time, if they won't let it go, I have the right to stop it. Period. To not do that means *I* have a problem, not them. I need my boundaries to be clear and they are to protect me. If I refuse to put them up, then don't be one bit surprised when this happens again!!!
My mother sent me this, and I wanted to paste it on my thread. I have allowed myself to be isolated away from my girlfriends. My H HATES that I talk to my sister every day. "You can talk for hours with your sister, but you won't talk to me". That is because "talking" to him means that he will complain non-stop, and when I try to lead him to more optimistic thoughts, he gets the absolute pleasure of slamming me and "proving" that life and the world is as ugly as he thinks it is. *sigh* This does remind me an awful lot of my dad. I pray I can break this pattern some day!!
Life is a gift, a wonder, a joy. Not always happy--no, actually, O Henry was right when he wrote "Life is full of Sobs, Smiles, and Sniffles, with Sniffles predominating."
But to all my girlfriends, No wonder I love them so much. Here is what my mother sent me. See if you don't agree!!
I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection--the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious. Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more seratonin--a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings?--rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym. There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to shmooze with a gal pal or sister, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very very lucky. Let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends/sisters. Evidently it's very good for our health.
Yes, aren't women wonderful?? It does seem that we at least have more options for pouring out our hearts than our male counterparts. They may tell their girlfriends or their wife but even then they have to keep up the all tough facade.
So blessed to have friends regardless of gender in my life, here and in RL.
(((((Laura)))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Good morning Laura, thanks so much for posting that today...good for you for seeing that you've become isolated from your girlfriends, and even better to see you're choosing to do something about it! I admire your resolve. I too have found myself in a similar position, not prioritizing time with girlfriends and miss it too. I'll keep watching your thread and cheering on your progress! Take care! FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Spent the day "dark" as I have been for the last couple of weeks. H calls several times but I don't answer at all (this may have been a mistake--I think you don't have to call them right away but you need to call back). Had a fun time with a friend going to lunch, etc.
S 15 has an appointment for getting his permit. I call H and tell him and say either he can get it with him or I will do it. He wants to do it, no problem, he asks me to bring him some things for the football game later and I do.
Go to the football game (S plays in the band) and they have plenty of workers in the concession stand, so friend and I end up sitting and watching game. H is the main "griller guy" and so is working. I am looking great, feeling awesome, am flirting and joking and carrying on and this is not any kind of "show", this is just "me" now--free and lovin it!
My son got his permit, and I wanted to take him home after the game to ask him about it. I call and leave a message with H's cell, but apparently he didn't answer or ? and he is waiting outside the band room to take S home. S wants to go to a local ice cream place with friends, which I'm happy to go with. S tells H and H says "Fine, I'll be coming too". I was like "Ok" (I don't care). Then H says "I need to talk to you" and I walk a few feet over and he tells me "You need to be ? beat?(not sure about that part) and have your throat slashed--tell that to your L".
I went numb--this is in front of children, at my son's school. S didn't hear it and perhaps no one else did, but immediately he left and I started to cry. My S comes out and knows something is wrong--we walk to the car and I sit there dumbfounded--and what am I supposed to do now?
This is getting long, so let me just get to it--I ended up calling H's dad to speak to H, and grandpa offers to come up to our house, which S says is fine. S is calling friends and so am I. I am advised to get a police report (this is the second one now) and so I do. Now I have another case number and I am sure my L will have my file something at this point.
S doesn't want to go home, so I offer to meet grandpa and they will take S (this was the plan anyway--H and S were supposed to go to his parents this weekend) Meanwhile I guess my H left for his parents because when I got home his car is gone. If he wasn't gone I had plans to go to a friend's.
I think I have enough now to get him out of here. Obviously the strain is not only on me. And I don't know WHAT to do about the fact that it happened at school and in front of kids. I really wanted my H to be involved over there--there are a lot of great guys there that I was hoping he could talk to.
I just want him out--if this is what had to happen for him to leave, so be it!
(((((Laura))))) Well... It would seem that his anger has overcome his common sense, wouldn't it? Which means that getting the police involved was the right thing to do, if you had any doubts.
It sounds like you are keeping your head, which is a good thing. I think his actions make it clear that not answering his calls is the right course of action. And if he doesn't leave a message, there's no need to call back. Don't doubt yourself.
It was really hard with S 15 being right there--I am SOOO hoping that getting his parents involved, plus my S 15 freaking out, plus letting the cat out of the bag a bit (I told them this kind of verbal nonsense is NOTHING new to me--that it's only new that he is actually saying it in public with CHILDREN around--that's the new part). His parents are clueless and I really didn't want to say anything because, heck, they probably don't really believe it anyway. This is their perfect son, dontcha know!
I actually am having an awesome day--went riding, am having a friend over later, and then going to see Secretariat! I remember that horse winning the triple crown and jumping up and down with my dad--he was SOOOO excited!!
Guess you have to be a horse person to understand.lol.
Thanks again for the validation and the virtual hugs. I am definitely a touch person, huh!lol.
(((((Laura))))) I hope the rest of your weekend was great!
I don't know that you have to be a horse person to understand that Secretariat was special. The only races I ever watch are the Triple Crown races, and not always those, but I know that the Affirmed/Alydar duels were some of the best drama sports has seen!
Saying that stuff in front of children is scary. And telling you to tell your lawyer? He isn't thinking clearly. You are right though, his family won't believe you. Think carefully before you involve them.
