So this has been a great few weeks of changes for me and my sitch.
I had been using a 3rd party for drop offs for our S4. I believe this was a good choice. When this all first went down, naturally, I was a basket case. I am in a better place. Stronger. So this week, I decided to have him start dropping S off at our house. I still don't want a verbal exchange. We are using a website called COZI to communicate about S. It's working well.
I did tell him that I wanted him to come to S birthday party next month and bring his brothers. S16, S12. I sent him a VERY civil message. Actually all of the messages have been civil but I changed the tone a bit to slightly more friendly. Before that, he was clearly getting extremely angry at me, accusing me of setting our S up for disappointment, dictating his parently style, not consulting him on the schedule for our S, etc. He's really pushing for me to communicate personally with me but A). I don't think I'm ready for it B). I believe it's something OW is pushing him to do to bait me in to confrontation.
I let him know there were several things that he posted that I didn't agree with but this exchange was getting us nowhere. I did explain a few things but then I came right out and asked what he wanted the schedule to be. His response back was EXTREMELY positive.
I know I should stop reading his emails to OW but I have to say, this week has been extremely helpful and I don't regret doing it. She has been out of the country so email was the only way they had to communicate. I got to see a million "I love you's" "you are my soulmate" etc. from both of them. What I saw was our exchanges 12 years ago. This is his pattern to a T. I remember how strong our love was when it was new and I know that's what I'm fighting against right now. I also learned more about people in my life that are taking information I've given them directly to him. I know who not to trust anymore. The other thing I saw, was the second our correspondence became civil, OW got VERY upset. She has major conflict with her H (D is almost final) and I believe she wants WH to have that same R with me. WH is a very non-confrontational person. He wants peace. She is encouraging him to go outside of his comfort zone and I don't think he will put up with that if I'm being civil. I am hoping this puts some added stress to their R. The emails have stopped because she is on a plane back home and I doubt they will continue because they use skype to communicate. (it wouldn't work this past week while she was traveling) I really am trying to stop monitoring the email because I know it's not healthy.
As for GAL - I'm doing a lot with friends and family, getting my house in order and focusing on my emotional and physical well being. I'm looking for advice on how to continue down this healthy path. I'm still having a hard time eating. In 4 months I've went from a comfortable 8 to a size 4.
I'm assessing what went wrong in the M. I believe I know where I was to blame. I worked too much. Not an option for me anymore because I'm now a single mom. But I've also shared with my boss that this was part of the reason I'm a single mom. They have encouraged me at work to only be there 40 hours and seem to be fairly understanding about the things that are slipping through the cracks. I was emotionally unavailable. I was hurt by his reaction to our surprise pregnancy and never fully recovered from that. As a result, I also became physically unavailable. Another issue that drove him crazy was my lateness. After 38 years, it's a hard habit to break but I'm really trying. I am also a fairly disorganized person. I've been researching some things online and I'm pretty certain I have ADD. I answered "yes" to nearly every question on the online questionnaires. I am seeking help from my doctor on this. I am open to medication. I also think this will help me with a lot of other aspects of my life, helping me to get it in order.
I'm open to other things I can do that might help GAL.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
I've decided to post each day something I did or plan to do to GAL or something I'm thankful for (or both).
Today I am going to my first wedding since all this went down. I had to decline one earlier this summer because I didn't think I could make it through. I'm excited for my friend. She's found a REALLY good guy!
I bought myself an outfit (on sale of course) in a size I haven't worn since freshman year of high school!
10-10-10 is the first day of the rest of my life!
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
Stop reading the emails. You don't need to anymore. You know what you need to know. I found when I stopped obsessing about WH that my life almost instantly became more calm.
I have problems with weddings myself. I used to LOVE weddings. Now, I see a bride, and it's not that I get sad, but instead I get cynical. It's not good!
H32 Me32 together:10 M:5 No kids ILYBINILWY 7/28/10 OW found 8/15 A exposed 8/31 I Move 9/3 Dark 10/1
This was a post from yesterday that I never hit send on....
Jin,
You do too! I'm really proud of you! I am doing well. The wedding was spectacular. My friend has found such a good guy. I actually said when I first met him, he oozes goodness. Today I told him that and his response was "my parents raised me well" I did find myself saying a little prayer during their vows that they will ever forget how they feel today. Marriage is a beautiful thing. A few bad apples shouldn't spoil the bunch.
I've stayed away from the emails. My friends are really keeping me busy. I see so many positive changes right now. I actually posted on FB the other day," I know it's fall, but the fresh perspectives in my life make it feel like spring. Starting over has it's advantages."
Last edited by lovehurts; 10/12/1012:10 AM.
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
After the wedding, it was such a nice day that I decided to go to a local wine bar with outside seating. We are having an indian summer so I felt I needed to take advantage of it doing something social. I met a lot of cool people just hanging out. It was a lot of fun. I didn't stay long but it was nice.
Today I decided to NOT pull my hair into a pony tail like I have the last 3 months or so and actually do it. I decided to put some make up like I ALWAYS did before. I also had the new outfit from the wedding that actually fit instead of these clothes that had been hanging on me. I had 3 people say they didn't even know who I was at first glance. Tons of people told me how nice I looked. Once person even said peaceful!
Tomorrow I'm going to take my S to the "playplace" which is what he calls the gym. I haven't been there since this all went down either. I need to get back into exercising. I've ran here and there but not really worked building muscle.
Wednesday my friend is coming over to watch movies.
Thursday my son's gymnastics class and our weekly dinner out.
Friday we are headed to the local zoo for a halloween event.
Saturday farmer's market with 3 of my friends (and my S of course) lunch there.
Sunday, church and yard work!
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
I am gaining so much strength in this GAL stage! I did every single thing on my list above and then some! I even raked the neighbor's yard because they just had a baby a week ago. It felt so good to do something nice for someone that has given so much to me. (support)
At this point, this appears to be journaling since I've not had any insight on my posts, but that's all good too. I need journalling.
I'm focusing on good things (a lot of bad has happened, too, but I'm able to push that aside) Again, I have so many good friends, I'm gaining new ones, reconnecting with old ones and staying the course with existing. I've been burnt pretty bad by one in particular (My S's childcare provider) but I look at that as a blessing as well. I know she is taking info back to WH and pumping S for info, but the thing is, I'm doing NOTHING wrong so they can't pin to me anything like they are trying to. (sorry, but this is a case where intel IS helpful)
Speaking of intel, I'm checking his email much less frequently, every few days or so, and only to make sure I'm not getting screwed. I did see an exchange from his L that stated he can't remove anything from our family home (he wants the bed....hmmm wonder why?) and he wants this over ASAP. They informed him, these things take time, a year or more if both parties agree. Not what he wanted to hear.
The exchanges on the mutual website we use (Cosi.com) are interesting. His have been light, even playful. Mine are facts and to the point. I don't think he knows what to make of this new me. He dropped S off this morning and I KNOW I looked good. I felt good. I can't tell yet if he's having second thoughts, but I'm not worrying about that. I know that this is the right thing for ME right now.
I did go to a parenting class required by the courts this week. It was great. The first part was heart wrenching and i cried quietly through the interviews with the kiddos. I ran into a friend in the bathroom (similar story - and a nice reconnection) and cried with her. A nice hug and I was good to go for the second half - stronger - and knowing what I'm doing is RIGHT. The one thing I learned through this is that kids go through the same grieving process. I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise, but it makes sense. I know where I am in it at all times (very self aware) but I hadn't put labels to my S's behavior. I will now.
This week: Monday - work out Tuesday - a friend coming over for dinner Wednesday - work out Thursday - S's gymnastics Friday - Sun - painting, redecorating - getting together with friends!
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
Oh yeah, I bought a hot tub this week. I thought long and hard about it. We built a deck specifically for that. I found the one we were going to purchase before this all went down (had put money down on it) and decided it was too big and fancy. There was a close out deal on a nice one and payment plan same as cash - so I went for it! I'm going to have a girl's night in 70's party once it's up and running! I can't wait! : )
Me:38 H: 45 OW:34 S:4 Bonus S: 12 and 16 2nd M for both Together 12 yrs M: 6 EA suspected: 5/10 confirmed: 7/2/10 Separated: 8/12/10
Dont' want you paying to improve the house and then losing $$ out of it.. be careful about making improvements to the home with your $$$... that could come back to haunt you.. at the very least keep a log of all improvements made and all the invoices.
Hot tub arrived and I'm uber excited! Handy man is coming over Sunday to check out the electrical for it. He was super sad to hear of the D. Great guy. He's a dad like guy and good person for me to know as I'm trying to live in this house alone. I was able to troubleshoot some cable issues last night by myself and that felt pretty good.
My little guy had a rough week but it seems to be getting better. He actually cried and chased his dad down the drive one night. It's painful. I let WH come to his gymnastics class tonight but told him I didn't want to speak to him. He honored that. I sent him a note this week and said I had no intentions of being his friend. For him, that's his cake eating and I don't want any part of it. He screwed my family over with this affair and expects me to be the way his ex W was and be his friend. This is uncomfortable for him and unfamiliar territory.
I'm not going to lie, I looked good tonight. New pants that fit (size 5 - I was an 8 the last time he really saw me), a nice sweater and cute belt.
I'm not sure I belong on this site anymore. I don't know what I saw in him. I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I realize now that he's gone how critical he was of me and how that effected me. He burnt some old movies for me and in nearly every one he was in, I was happy go lucky and he was yelling at me for something. I know he watched these movies too. I wonder if he noticed it. I was always such a fun loving person and he beat that out of me. People around me are commenting that the old LH is finally back. I find it interesting that, while he was the one that beat it out of me, it was one of his biggest complaints about me....that I wasn't fun loving anymore and became negative. I sort of feel that OW will eventually be there too. He did the same thing to his ex W.
I finally like who I am again and I couldn't/didn't know who that was until he was gone.
