New to this community seeking advice 2

[JR09]

I'm starting a new thread. I was told my old one was taking too much space.

I'm here in ID with my Boys. Having a great time. I went to S12's football game. W came too but didn't sit with us. She sat 30 feet away by herself. I still had a great time...and so did the boys.

Joel

[DanF]

Glad you had a good time. I like it when my W sits away and by herself. I think it is funny!!

I don't know your history, but good luck to you!

[JR09]

W just picked up the boys. This is the worst time after I've had the boys with me. I just feel useless, abandoned. It was a tense evening tonight before W showed up. I was at dinner with the boys. I reminded them we needed to get ready for my W coming around at 8:00PM. S11 asked why they couldn't stay til tomorrow morning. I said that was what W and I agreed upon.

So S11 calls W and asks the aame question. She then wants to talk to me and is really upset over the phone, telling me why I can't stick to the agreement etc,etc, why she hates me so much because I involved the boys into this because now she's going to look bad, and on and on. I just replied I'll have the boys ready at 8:00PM as planned. Then she hung up.

She then called back again a few minutes later and said I won and I might as well keep the boys all weekend. I told her S11 is OK and that I had a talk with him. She said I was lying. I just kept my calm and told her everything was OK and she can come pick up the boys as planned this evening. She then screamed: stop talking! So I remained silent. And there was LOTS of silence after that before I got disconnected.

I called W back to ask her what she wanted to do after all. I told her the boys will be ready as planned. She had calmed down quite a bit already and just said OK.

W came, boys said goodbye, and here I am on my own again. I hate this. I just hate the feeling. But I'm not the only one going thru this, I know. I still hate it. In the end I held myself pretty OK this evening. I think I did well. Never raised my voice. Never lost my composure. Just got emotional when I hugged the boys goodbye. But that's it.

I suspect some of you out there may think I was too kind or quick to abdicate, surrender my rights, who knows. Maybe I should have fought for that extra night with the kids. I still remember this: you don't always have to be right. It took me 2 years to get this straight. I don't always have to be right. I did OK this evening. Tough moment, but OK. I still had a great time with the boys.

Joel

[pinhead]

Joel

You did fine. It's not always about winning the battles, but more so the war. You stuck to your agreement with your W, and despite her getting mad at S11 calling her, she really wasn't mad at you. (Mindreading I know). I suspect she was just hurt that the boys were choosing another night with you over her. That hurts a mother a lot.

You're not useless, and they didn't abandon you. You did a great job with the time you had with them. Go re-read your post from 10/7! Think of the good times you had, not the loneliness that you're feeling now that they're gone.

[JR09]

Thanks Pinhead.

I needed that encouragement today. I really needed it. THANKS again.

Joel

[Coach]

Time for you to start listening and calling her out on her CB.

So S11 calls W and asks the aame question. She then wants to talk to me and is really upset over the phone, telling me why I can't stick to the agreement etc,etc,

"I did not say I wasn't sticking to the agreement. I did not ask or let our son call you to ask."

She said I was lying.

"Sorry wife, you don't know what I am thinking. One thing you can count on is my word."

She then screamed: stop talking!

"I can understand your frustration but screaming at me won't resolve the issue. We can talk when you calm down, bye."

Lead. Your wife doesn't know how to deal with you now. Staying calm is big, now take it to the next level and use your new tools.

Cheers

[MichelleLT]

Joel,

Found ya.

Ditto to everything Pinhead and Coach said.

Remember the fun stuff. Enjoy the time. Parting is always hard, but unfortunately it's part of the package right now.

Great job on staying calm. Isn't it funny how when one person gets good at being calm the other person often gets more emotional? Michele describes it as a teeter-totter in one of her books.

While remaining silent is definitely a step in the right direction away from arguing with her, you also need to gently set the boundary that screaming matches aren't okay. Copy down some of Coach's lines and have them ready to use if the situation arises in the future.

Hang in there.

[JR09]

Coach, Michelle,

Great to hear from you. I'm back in CO. I had a great time with the Boys. They are very aware of what's going on. They also hope for reconciliation someday. They make sure I still wear my wedding ring. I guess it's a sign of hope for them to see me wear it.

I read somewhere on this forum that if the WAS is still angry, it means she's still interested. I hope that's true in my case...
I told W that she can refile if that would bring peace to her. I told her I am at peace with what I've done, so it's OK.

Well, so far I've seen the boys for the last three months in a row. I really made it a mission to drive up there and just be with the boys even for just a couple of days at a time. We always have a blast together. Next trip: Thanksgiving?

Joel

[MichelleLT]

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's apathy. If you don't care, you don't get emotional. But of course, no mother should ever not be emotionally invested where her children are involved.

Good to get in the habit of seeing them regularly in addition to the phone calls and such. Sounds like they could use a little reassurance that even if you guys do D, they will still be loved.

[MichelleLT]

How are you doing?