Sorry about the attack on you Mila....they can still find ways to get to us and upset us.
(((hugs)))
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Sorry Mila that your h is still getting to you. I know that many times I found myself like you defending my position etc and it never did any good.
Then I learned that you know what I don't have to take it. I can politely excuse myself and say something like h you are disrespecting me by raising your voice, we can talk another time after you calm down or something along those lines.
Works like a charm. I always stop the conversation now, before it escalates into something ugly.
Not sure if that would work for you, but just thought I would throw it out there. I often follow it up with an e-mail too.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Warrior - I like your conspiracy theory...that's really what it feels like....the whole world is against him including me and I'm the unreasonable one and once he gets that in his head how do you convince him otherwise....should you even try....read on what happened tonight....and tell me what to reply to him because I'm starting to think that I'm the crazy one...
Glam - I did try to defuse the situation and was very calm...told him that I don't want to be talked to this way....but still it upset my whole day....was thinking....who is this man and what happened to my sweetie and what did I ever do to him to deserve this?....I know the answer but still...so sad...and there is nothing I can do about it.
Anyway, the story of today continues....I was just leaving to go to see my lawyer and D said that H wants to come over. I said that I'm leaving so he can't (I established this boundary long time ago, that it's OK for him to come when I'm at home with notice, but not when I'm not, did that because he thought at the time that he had the right to come and go as he pleases, he conformed but never liked it). So I told D that she should go to his house instead...she said that she didn't feel like it. I though that that was that.
Went out and when I came back I found email from H
WHY CAN’T I SEE MY DAUGHTER TONIGNT IN HER ROOM !!! JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT HOME!!?? YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO DO THIS! WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT, THAT I AM GOING TO LOCK HER UP AND GO INTO YOUR OFFICE!?
YOU ARE SO INCREDIBALY UNRESONABLE!!
On one hand you tell me you are worried about me, and on the other hand I can’t see my daughter because of you.. Because of some reason you think you have a right to use ******* against me... To hurt me.... And on the top of that you think that you are perfectly justified...
She is not feeling well and we wanted to study together, and because of some issue YOU have I can’t be there!?
I'm very upset about this....Am I the unreasonable one? Is it unreasonable of me to not to want to have him in the house when I'm not here? Opinions please....because I don't know how to handle this....what to reply to him....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Is it unreasonable of me to not to want to have him in the house when I'm not here? Opinions please....because I don't know how to handle this....what to reply to him....
Mila, has your L made a recommendation about this? If so, assigning responsibility for that decision to your L may take you out of that equation and redirect your H's anger.
Sorry you're back on the LBS hamster wheel. Ughhhhh!!!!!!!!
Thank you GAG, good idea...I'll ask my L for advice on this next time.
As you can see this is really on my mind today.
Here is a draft of my reply to him...looking for input
I’m so sorry that you feel this way.....I’m worried about you and care about you more then you care to know right now. I think that I’ve been more than reasonable in everything through out this ordeal. I've always tried to accommodate you and make things work. I haven’t made any requests accept this one...am I allowed one? Just one?
I know that you probably don’t care much about how I feel, or what I feel or why I feel it..... But I still have no idea where is this hatred and blame coming from.....When did I become the enemy and why?....this is ME....remember? You have known me for 37 years...was I ever vindictive towards anyone and would I purposefully try to hurt anyone?
I hope that you wrote this in anger and didn’t mean the things you said....because they really hurt. I have never used D against you, and never will. I’m not trying to hurt you and I’m not preventing you from seeing her. I told her that she could go to your place. I would have taken her on my way to my appointment, she said that she didn’t feel like doing. She wasn’t feeling sick anymore, because she went to her BF's house instead.
I’m so very sad if you really think the things you said, I don’t understand how you can think that about me ........
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
This is your boundary. You said your H didn't like it before but he respected it. Why do you feel the need to defend yourself?
It appears that your H is spiraling downward, and projecting all that he's feeling and done onto you. Nothing you do or say to him at this time is going to make a difference in what he thinks.
I'm not an expert, but I am wondering if saying nothing to him right now will help him to figure things out for himself. These are the consequences for his choices. I could be wrong, but I say let him stew.
Mila, IF you respond, I think the most I would do is repeat your boundary. Something like "I am not keeping you from seeing your D. You know you are welcome anytime that I am home, with notice. I was not going to be home when you wanted to come." Or even just the last two sentences. Short and to the point.
I have set the same boundary with my H. Fortunately he has respected it so far with no anger. Perhaps he wouldn't be so accommodating if I still had Ds at home, I don't know.
I'm so sorry your H is still ranting so much at you. He's going to have a lot to come to grips with if he ever wakes up. Ugh.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Mila, Just wanted to remind you of this incident two months ago:
Quote:
I stayed in my car and after he talked to D for a bit he came up to my car and accusingly said "You won't let D drive your car?" The tone and the look he gave me was so judgmental....he made me feel like the worst mother...like if I was denying D the basic necessities of life. I got upset....I guess the way he talked to me brought back memories of the past year when he constantly criticized me and I reacted and angrily said "That's none of your business, that's between me and D" and I drove off. Boy was I boiling. When I calmed down I thought that I probably overreacted a bit, but by the time I got back home there was an apology e-mail from H in my mailbox.
H - about your car. I told D that I understand your reasoning for not letting her drive your car until she is more experienced. If I spent any time thinking about it before, I would not be asking you. If I came across as questioning you... I apologize, that wasn’t my intent.
[snip]
This seems like a small incident... But somehow it struck me as significant. H seems to be more sensitive to my feelings and is willing to admit a mistakes and apologize. We are both trying to communicate better....
Ughhhhh!!!!!!!!