Two things: I just got back from an emotional IC session AND Mr. A called/texted.
About IC: I told him that I had spoken to Mr. A on Saturday and Sunday. Both the content and my emotional responses were a lot different between the two days. On Saturday, Mr. A opened up to me and I felt close to him. (Of course he was saying things that I wanted to hear!)
On Sunday, Mr. A and I both closed down a lot emotionally and had a much more superficial conversation. He's a fun person to talk to (for the most part), but that convo left me feeling empty.
IC and I reviewed the many different "approaches" I've taken with Mr. A over the past year and a half. Some have made me feel good and some have made me feel crappy. The sad part is that I sometimes/often feel good at the time and crappy after the fact (e.g., having booty calls with him while he was D'ing me!).
Bottom line: During our last go-around, I "acted as if" I was ok with just going with the flow and not having any R talk. Really, I wasn't ok with that. I wanted to connect more with Mr. A but I didn't push it. Eventually things blew up anyway, and without the benefit of any real new insight into what had gone wrong.
Yesterday's conversation was a hint of that again, with us just making small talk. If I'm going to throw my hat in the ring once again, I want to talk about feelings, our relationship, the past, the future, expectation, hopes and dreams, all that stuff! I don't want to keep playing it cool!
Soooooo... IC suggested that I be more direct with Mr. A. I said that I don't know how. Intellectually, I can understand what I should do, but the words just don't come to me when I'm talking to Mr. A. IC said for me to "sit with" what we discussed for awhile and we would talk more next week.
Now I realize that this advice has been given to me on this very board more than once. Sorry if I seem thick-headed. I hear all of it, it's just very hard for me to put into practice. But I am trying my best.
In the meantime, I thank all of you for reading and posting.
I think being direct with Mr. A at this point is a good idea. I mean, you are divorced legally now, so DBing to get him back seems to focus a lot on the WAS actions. DBing efforts for you (GAL, not pursuing) are still applicable. But doing things like avoiding R talk and trying to show him the better you are not really as pertinent at this time, IMO. He needs to show that he is improving, too! Now it is ok for you to lay more on the line because what do you have to lose?
And, Mrs. A, really and truly think about what YOU need. (It is also attractive to the WAS because it caused them to respect that you aren't a doormat and have standards. It makes you more attractive) I know you will be tactful about it!
I am so hopeful for you! Good news that he is regretting his actions.
When you asked how they "prove" they are serious....well, I think this comes when you lay some conditions out and they follow through.
What is the first step you need from him? MC? Retrouville? You can even try not to overwhelm him and just say "first, I need___" Is it a commitment from him saying "Yes, I will go to MC with you?
Exciting stuff!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
NM, thank you for posting such nice thoughts! AND validating AND adding your own 2 cents!
What would be my first step? Mr. A opening up about what went wrong. He doesn't have to do it in front of a counselor - he totally hates that idea right now - but at least he would have to do it in front of me.
We talked again tonight and I tried to broach the subject. Admittedly, my approach was pretty lame. I said, "I was so excited to marry you. We had such an amazing relationship before we got married. But I definitely think something changed, do you?" He said yes. Then I said, "I don't know what happened; do you know?" No, he said he didn't know.
When I was getting DB coaching from Jody, she told me to "fish". She meant to ask questions such that Mr. A would feel like answering. Tonight I didn't fish, I just let it go. I said what I felt like saying and he threw a few things out there too. But I'll fish more next time, because there's nothing in the future for Mr. A and me if we can't be honest with each other, even when it comes to the hard stuff.
Truth is, I feel good about our conversation tonight. I didn't get firm answers about what went wrong, but we each put a toe into the emotional pool. He tried again to get me to let him come over. I said no, but I agreed to go to "his place" on Wednesday to see it. WITH the understanding that we won't be intimate.
It was an interesting conversation for sure. Better than yesterday....
Yesterday's conversation was a hint of that again, with us just making small talk. If I'm going to throw my hat in the ring once again, I want to talk about feelings, our relationship, the past, the future, expectation, hopes and dreams, all that stuff! I don't want to keep playing it cool!
Soooooo... IC suggested that I be more direct with Mr. A. I
I agree w/ this advice. When you speak to him, tell him exactly what is on your mind and how you are feeling. Get it all out in the open. Say what you feel/think.
Originally Posted By: Mrs. A
I said no, but I agreed to go to "his place" on Wednesday to see it. WITH the understanding that we won't be intimate.
Good. When there, get all your feelings/thoughts out in the open.
