It's a lot easier to let him in than it is to shut him out.
I so relate to this as I am sure many others will say they do, too! It is why we can get caught up in unhealthy enabling/codepenedent behavior patterns! Easier to be nice, easier to give in to the urge to talk and connect...
just validating (I think?) your feelings!
Now tell us about your date with the meetup guy that you alluded to on my thread!!!Inquiring minds wanna know!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
wow, BobbiJ,that is so true! We are just a puddle of compassion, huh?
Well I mean it USED to be true, right? We're changing and becoming stronger and wiser!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Mrs. A. it is so good to hear from you. I have been wondering how you are! I get exactly what you are saying - it is much easier to let them back in - but what you have to take a hard look at is if it's healthier to do that based on conditions and circumstances surrounding it. No one can truly answer that but you because you are the one who has all of the information. From an outsider's view though, it troubles me that Mr. A attempts to pry back into your life when things aren't going well for him, i.e. job loss. It would be much more encouraging if he was making these attempts when he had all of his ducks in a row and wasn't currently in crisis mode. It worries me that he is using you to while he gets back on his feet and that as soon as he does he's off on his next conquest.
NM, the date did NOT happen! This Meetup guy is so weird and I kind of get a yucky feeling from him.
In a nutshell: My golf Meetup group is a flop. Nobody ever wants to come. But this dude Tony has RSVP'd a few times and then has been has been funky about it.
Like this last time. I sent out a meetup announcement on Friday, I guess it was, and asked if anyone wanted to golf over the weekend. The weather report predicted beautiful weather and it might be our last nice weekend here in Michigan!
So Tony replied to my email right away, yes, he wanted to go golfing. Then he suggested Saturday night! HELLO- it gets dark at 5 p.m.! I responded back suggesting 2 p.m. and never heard from him. In my book, that's lame.
Anyway, I'm still thinking a lot about Mr. A, but the terms are slowly shifting - like now I'm more conscious of my own desires. BA, you hit the nail on the head - will I settle for just being the person he calls when he wants to be cheered up?
No.
But is there an alternative? I'm not sure. I'm glad I'm seeing my IC tomorrow!
But is there an alternative? I'm not sure. I'm glad I'm seeing my IC tomorrow!
Yes, there is an alternative! You are divorced. Act like it. See how he likes THAT!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
OOPS! There's more to the story than I posted yesterday. Mr. A and I talked by phone on Saturday night and again last night. Our talk on Saturday was pretty emotional. He said he had made the biggest mistakes of his life over the past year and a half by leaving me, being unfaithful, treating me so badly, etc., all he wanted was to be with me and me alone, he was so happy just to talk to me, etc. He really sounded sincere. I told him I was scared to believe him because I thought we were reconciling in August/September and then things blew up once again in October. He understood my reticence and said he was just so happy to talk to me and hear my voice. He said he'll take whatever he can get.
Since the last time we talked, which was when he lost his job, he's gotten a new job, which he starts in a couple of weeks, and he's been living on his own for about 3 weeks now. This is the first time in his life that he's lived alone, and he told me he's extremely lonely. Join the club!
He called me again several times on Sunday morning; I was busy and texted that we could talk in the evening. So we did, and it was ok, but 1) he pulled back a little, and 2) we ignored the elephant in the room and just basically made small talk.
As to point 1, I'm not worried. Trying to get him interested in me never works. If he was hot to trot on Saturday and then cooled off a little on Sunday, so be it. Not my problem.
Point 2 is more concerning. If we're going to talk to each other, we need to start talking about what's happened over the past couple of years and what our current feelings and thoughts are. Based on his texts and what he said on the phone on Saturday, I know he wants those talks too, but neither of us knows how to instigate that kind of conversation.
Any ideas? How do you start talking about all that's happened and gone wrong without both people feeling terrible at the end?
Look up Retrouvaille at www.helpourmarriage.org. Find the next weekend near you and sign up for it. They will help you through all of this. In the meantime, be nice to each other. Say please, thank you, notice when the other does something nice for you and mention it. Try not to be critical of each other, and do some things together without arguing.
"After the Affair" by Janis Spring is a good book for both of you to read. Reconciling is a long process. Don't rely on luck. Let people who have been there and worked through it themselves help you find your way through this!
Agree with Lotus above. Would also recommend NOT having him move right back in with you. You both need to start MC and work on these issues before you even start to think about jumping back into living together. If he is sincere then he will be happy to do the work that is necessary. If he resists doing these types of things then he's not really being honest with you. IMO.
I'm about to go see my IC - thank goodness! Lotus, I don't know that Mr. A really wants to reconcile. How does someone "prove" that they're serious? I mean, what BA suggests makes sense - see if he'll go to counseling. I don't know.
I plan to talk to my IC tonight about how to initiate R talk with Mr. A. I don't want to put off R talk anymore. That seems so false and stupid. We're divorced, for Pete's sake! There is no more business as usual!
It's just a matter of figuring out how to talk to Mr. A about our relationship in an authentic voice because there's a huge emotional abyss between us. I still love him, sure, but in place of the emotional closeness that was there before, now there's skepticism and mistrust. And over a year and a half of walking on eggshells and all that other BS.
We'll see what IC says... I always love to hear what you all think, too. Posts are much appreciated!
