Sunny, Thanks for posting about New Beginnings. I'm glad to hear that there are other alternatives. Especially for people who don't like the Christian component of Retrouvaille.
Peachy,
Yes, if you admit that there is a 3rd party, they don't want you to do the weekend. There are too many couples needing help and only about 30 couples can go to any weekend. So they are a little picky. They try to weed out the ones that they have less success with, and those are the couples with a 3rd party involved. The other large impediment to success is alcoholism or drug addiction. Retrouvaille cannot solve those problems either. Retrouvaille is most effective for couples who have a communication problem, that is they just don't agree with each other. You say black he says white. They are very effective with that kind of thing.
Yes, if you admit that there is a 3rd party, they don't want you to do the weekend. There are too many couples needing help and only about 30 couples can go to any weekend. So they are a little picky. They try to weed out the ones that they have less success with, and those are the couples with a 3rd party involved. The other large impediment to success is alcoholism or drug addiction. Retrouvaille cannot solve those problems either. Retrouvaille is most effective for couples who have a communication problem, that is they just don't agree with each other. You say black he says white. They are very effective with that kind of thing.
So for people who are dealing with an A, would you say it is best that they not consider attending Retrouvaille until the A is firmly and definitely over (and they need help learning to communicate in order to help with R)?
Me: 29 Him: 30 Married: 2 years Together: 13 years No kids Bomb: 6/4/10 Started MC: 7/16/10
No problem, Lotus! :-) Now, New Beginnings did mention faith, and it is discussed, but mainly not. It certainly is not the focus and they make it clear that any faith/no faith is welcome! I think it was originally started by a faith-based organization. The context in which it is discussed is when someone feels bound morally to stay in a relationship because of their religious background, etc...
New Beginnings does accept couples with a 3rd party issue. Infidelity is something that is discussed in detail, in fact - and how it pertains to reconciliation.
It isn't cheap - but there are several payment plans.
Like Retro, New Beginnings does not deal with alcohol or drug addiction either. However, I would say it definitely goes beyond communication issues. It discusses attraction and what holds relationships together: Passion/Commitment/Intimacy (not sexual intimacy - but closeness, etc...)
So for people who are dealing with an A, would you say it is best that they not consider attending Retrouvaille until the A is firmly and definitely over (and they need help learning to communicate in order to help with R)?
You know, Peachy (love that name by the way), that's hard to say. Because the heart or head is such a strange thing. Do we ever really know when it is firmly and definitely over? In my case, we went when he "said" it was over, but I think he was still keeping her as Plan B if things didn't work out. And letters I found between them confirmed that she was willing to wait and see if he reconciled with me or if they would start up again. So I can't say it was firmly and definitely over. But once we went to Retrouvaille and we saw that we could actually love each other again, and we could make our family a nice place to live for all the people involved, then he really did finally break it off with her.
So I think, when both people are willing to go and do it with an open mind and a willing heart, then that is the time to go.
To contrast what Lotus just said, with New Beginnings the claim is that it does not matter if one or both spouses does not want to be there - as long as you're willing to show up it can work. That was definitely the case with me/H. He DID NOT want to go! Was adament about it - even tried to cancel several times. He went grudgingly. However, afterwards he admitted to me and the kids that it was definitely worthwhile. He might not have changed overnight but that weekend was the turning point in him seeing that things could work out.
Now, we are not 100% reconciled at this point, but much progress has been made. He stopped his inappropriate chatting/texting with other women - is home when he is supposed to be home - participates in the family, and our R is positive. There's been no more talk of leaving. We are sleeping in the same bed and are sometimes intimate. It just needs to go one more level in commitment to the M for good and final reconcilation. I believe we got as far as we have thanks to techniques and information learned at New Beginnings.
NOW...I would think Retrouvaille would be great for us for that next step!!!
Sunny, the whole time I was reading that, I was thinking of writing the last sentence. And then I saw it written there! I agree.
At Retrouvaille, the weekend work is on dialoguing. The other topics you mentioned, such as family of origin, values, meaning of commitment, and intimacy - even sexual intimacy, are all topics dealt with at the Post sessions which come after the weekend. I think Retrouvaille would be an excellent follow-up to push you to the next level.
I think you're right, Lotus. I'm going to look into it. At New Beginnings you talk some about communication, esp. the "four horsemen" if you are familiar with that. (Barriers to communication) You don't really do any dialoguing with each other directly though. You do talk, of course, and have nightly assignments. Anyway, the two programs both sound worthwhile with different focuses. I chose New Beginnings at the time because H was such an unwilling party and NB was better suited for that. Also, there was a weekend for NB coming up in our area fairly quickly.
I keep thinking I am going to post some of the key things from the NB weekend but I just haven't had the time. I will say that it fits in with DBing very well! I had made sure of that before I signed up.
I've never heard of the four horsemen of communication. I hope you will do the Retrouvaille program, too. It will be interesting to know how they are similar and how different. Life is all about the journey!
Omg sunny. Totally have that book. It is a nice way to look at the "science" of relationships which blends in nicely with Retrouvaille. We did it 2 weeks ago. On the Friday night before Retrou the W felt we were DONE. By Sunday afternoon she said she had HOPE! The couples were great. One of the H's had had A 16 y ago (he's 70 now) and wife talked with him on side Saturday night (sort of nono but...). He counseled her to keep trying. He was where she was. Was great for that alone bc it opened her eyes. He n his W fully reconciled. And Lotus is dead on: it IS about foregiveness. Past is past. Without it there is no chance at reconciliation. Easy to say sure n hard to do but u have to ask yourself: do I love my WAS? More later.
