Need advice on interacting with WAH

[AntoniaB]

My old threads keep disappearing so I have to assume those who've talked with me know who I am. But anyway, I'm a bit stuck on interacting with my WAH.

We are only in contact over legal stuff now. He filed last week; I have to be served in the courthouse this week (my choice) and I'm filing the petition to answer then with the SA. My H and I have been cordial for the most part when we interact. But the contact is down to a minimum.

I'm doing the whole GAL thing very well and today I had to see him for about an hour as he had to come take this aquarium apart that I was making him take with him. I could have been gone for him showing up, but ever since I made him return his keys, I have not liked the idea that he'd be here when I wasn't. I am calm enough now that I can interact with him and have it NOT go bad at least on my end. I approached today as the type of day where he sees that I'm happy, I'm centered, and I'm ok without him. We chatted pleasantly while he was here, and for a lot of moments, I think both of us almost felt like things were the way they "used" to be.

That is, until he did one thing to anger me.

[AntoniaB]

I asked him about some things that he STILL had in the house. Video games, systems, albums, things that I cannot just put in the attic because they need to be in climate controlled areas. I said "when are you taking these things already?" And he just says "I don't know, whenever I get an apt., but that might not be till next year." (this would be WELL after we are divorced). And so I said, "look, this is bothering me. I don't want this stuff here. It reminds me of you. I want it gone." And he says "well you just gave me stuff from THIS house to take to where I'm living, what's the difference?" And I said "because the stuff I gave you is YOURS. This stuff you're leaving behind is ALSO yours. I want it gone." So he says "well it's not in view, it's all in cabinets, behind things." And I said "that doesn't matter, I don't like that you expect me to keep your things till you figure out what you're doing." And then he ROLLS HIS EYES.

Sighs, and rolls his eyes. Like I am "horribly inconveniencing" him with these trivial matters, or like I'm overreacting. Well jeez, he can take things from our life together and not react because I didn't hurt him. I didnt do anythinig wrong. But he hurt me badly, and his presence is still in this house!

So at that point I said "you are one callous MFer." "Good bye." and I turned around and didn't look back. He got up and left.

NOW my question is this. In MWD's book there is all this stuff about trying to get the WAH to realize you are OVER him, that you don't need him and he isn't hurting you, that you have your own life and you're happy. So if I go with that school of thought, then I just let this experience go, knowing that for all the hour he was here but for the last moment at the end, he saw me as very happy and having my own life.

But then I think, am I supposed to tell him that he MUST get this stuff out? Like if I tell him "take it out or I'm throwing it out", does that send the message that he did get to me, that I"m not "better" and moved on, that I'm not happy, because I am in effect saying he can still hurt me?

I don't know what to do. Do I let this go or do I tell him get the stuff out or I'm throwing it out?

[TimeHeals]

So at that point I said "you are one callous MFer." "Good bye." and I turned around and didn't look back. He got up and left.

NOW my question is this. In MWD's book there is all this stuff about trying to get the WAH to realize you are OVER him, that you don't need him and he isn't hurting you, that you have your own life and you're happy. So if I go with that school of thought, then I just let this experience go, knowing that for all the hour he was here but for the last moment at the end, he saw me as very happy and having my own life.

Ummm do you see how that highlighted comment might indicate that you are NOT over him?

[AntoniaB]

Yeah I know, I thought that after I read what I typed above. Ok so damage control. What do I do? My instinct after he left was to email him and say "get these things out of here or I'm throwing them out." But is that counterproductive? Should I keep his stuff in the cabinets until he ever decides to move?

What message does that send? I never want to send the message that I think this affair or divorce is ok.

And somehow if he thinks I'm totally over him, to the point where I can have his crap here and it no longer bothers me, or his eye rolls don't bother me, that will make him think I'm the better choice? I guess I get stuck on that point.

[TimeHeals]

Got room in your garage? If so, box it up, and stick it in boxes, label the boxes, and stick them in your garage.

Next time he calls, calmly tell him that you boxed up his stuff, and it is in the garage where he can pick it up conveniently

[AntoniaB]

Nope don't have a garage at all. So that won't work. But thanks for the suggestion ;-)

[brandnewday]

Antonia,
You are going to get different advice in different forums.
Please decide which place you want to post in.
Thanks

[AntoniaB]

I just assumed it was ok to get advice from more than one forum? Mainly because I'm dealing with a spouse who is in an affair (hence this forum) and a spouse who MIGHT be in MLC too (hence posting in that forum).

Do I have to pick one forum?

Ok everyone, here is some GOOD news. Today I went to family court to be served the divorce petition. I agreed to do this ahead of time so that I could be the one to turn over the separation agreement (original copy which I had initiated). I did so. Then I was told that I do not have to file a petition to answer. I simply had to sign a form that said I received his petition to divorce. That's it. I did not have to sign anywhere that I "agreed" to his divorce. I just had to acknowledge that I received the summons. This is HUGE for me. I was told that in order to incorporate the SA that I'd have to file the answer where I'd have to sign a paper saying I agreed that the marriage was irreconcilable, that we voluntarily separated and wanted a divorce, and that reconciliation was not probable. I found out today that I do NOT have to do anything. The way the law is written, he just petitions. If I do nothing, his petition goes through, and at 6 months of separation, he is told his petition is trial ready. He can then decide if he wants to proceed with the divorce or not. But I don't have to do anything.

The ONLY reason that I was told to file the petition to answer was if I wanted to disagree with his charges and file a countersuit, or if I wanted to make sure that it was known to the court that I, too, wanted the divorce, because that way, if he decided when it was trial-ready that he did NOT want it, I could obtain it anyway. Well I don't want it, so I'm not filing that petition.

This doesn't hurt me financially, it doesn't take away what we agreed upon for division of property, and it also preserves MY right to say that I am standing by my marriage and not throwing in the towel. It puts the divorce on HIM. Not me.

So I bought some champagne today and celebrated. Yes it was terrible to be served with divorce papers, but to know that I didn't have to put in writing that I agreed to a divorce was so important to me that I am celebrating.

[TimeHeals]

I just assumed it was ok to get advice from more than one forum? Mainly because I'm dealing with a spouse who is in an affair (hence this forum) and a spouse who MIGHT be in MLC too (hence posting in that forum).

Didn't you hear? We've apparently been divided into opposing camps and war declared... all without most of us knowing that this is happening.

Oh, and we eat our eggs from the wrong end too.

Unknowing leaders of the camp that eats eggs from the wrong end have been assasinated.

It's all very... political.

[brandnewday]

Antonia,

There are no rules about posting in more then one forum.

The point I was trying to make was that you are posting two different things in two different places.

It is hard to follow your story and give you advice when you go back and forth.

If your Husband is in MLC then that is where you should be posting.

If you are dealing with infidelity only, then perhaps this is the best place to be.

Does that make sense?

There are no divided camps here, and I don't care which side you eat your egg from.

This is a safe place, not a political camp.