Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #3

[john28]

My previous two threads were over 90 pages long, and I'm on my third here.

Previous two threads:

Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #1 - http://tinyurl.com/2fwhop7

Not sure where to start or end, WAW? - #2 - http://is.gd/eU5EY

Cliff notes, really quickly:

- D-bomb Fathers Day 2010 (June 21)
- W is a SAHM that had an EA since April
- W stayed in house for 2 months "trying" to work on the M
- She was still having an EA for a month of those two months in the house.
- She moved out
- She still loves me
- I have severe co-dependency and anxiety issues.
- I ruined a lot of the chances I had to have her come back to the house by not letting go several times when I could have
- Suspected several times EA still going on, confirmed not. Only my paranoia.
- Mediation is 10/5/10

[john28]

The time that these boards were down was a good thing for me I think. A lot has transpired here in the past few days that I want to share.

So, W decided that she could no longer tell me ILY. That's fine, it hurts but I'm dealing with it. I decided to take some time to myself after that blowout.

Last Friday I went into the woods and stayed there until Sunday night. I took with me a tarp, headlamp, knife, blanket, matches, and two cans of beans and some granola bars. I left after work on Friday and walked into the woods and didn't walk out until Sunday night. I spent the entirety of it alone and I thought alot about myself and how I was co-dependent. It was a rollercoaster of emotions being alone like that. The first night I barely got a fire going everything was so wet, and it took me over an hour to do so. I thought I was going to break down right then and there, but I stopped myself because I knew that if I didn't get it together and start this fire that I was going to freeze my ass off all night. So I got some NUTS and did it. It felt good.

And then I think back on that, and this is exactly what I've done in my sitch. Always cried about not being able to get a fire started without just going and doing it. It's within me to do so.

So after that trip, which was very good, I went back home. W had said 3 days before she wanted nothing to do with me anymore ever again (speaking in absolutes) but for the first time in months she asked me to meet with her last night to "talk". Last night we met at a restaurant and I listened. I let her do all the R talk. It was during that talk that she said that after mediation was over, she wanted to go to MC to work on our relationship again. But, she couldn't just trust that I could meet her needs right now with everything that happened - and she wanted a "guarantee" that she would have a car and a place to live. I thought she was playing me, which she is very good at. She said she wanted to come home, but needed to work on our M first before doing so.

Mediation is tomorrow. I plan on signing nothing at all, and just seeing what happens.

Already spoken to a new L. She advised me to go, but just don't sign a darn thing. That it wasn't a bad thing to go.

So, we'll see. My W has finally opened up to me again, but I am being very cautious because of the timing of mediation. We will see what happens.

She also apologized to me for her behavior over the past few days, sort of, saying that she said some terrible things but she just started new meds that have made her angry and irritable all the time. I half-way bought the apology.

I'm closer to letting go, but not there yet. Just trying to focus on myself and my S4 right now. If she's along for the ride, then that's OK.

[TimeHeals]

. I half-way bought the apology.

Ehh, I don't need meds to treat my W with respect, and she doesn't need them to respect me.

It wasn't always that way. We had a long, dark YEAR!

Well, 10 months of that year was spent not liking each other much.

Sometimes things just have to come to a head, and sometimes you just have to let the other person go so that you both can grow and become healthier and learn to appreciate one another.

I have no idea if you two will get there or not. I hope you will, but you two have been trying not to get there for a while now

[john28]

Agreed TimeHeals, things are finally settling down from this chaotic spiral (I hope and pray!) and she is starting to see that we have both fueled each others emotions to where we are today.

Yesterday was the first time she's talked about ACTIVELY going to MC after the mediation. In the past she's said, "If we ever do get back together we'd have to go to MC, do XYZ and ABC."

Never put a date or line in the sand on it. Maybe she's coming around, who knows.

Last night after we left the restaurant with her requested "R talk", she called me. I let it go to VM. Called her today to ask if she was picking something up from the house, and mentioned to her that I saw her missed call last night and I asked why she called. "I just wanted to see how you were and if you were OK."

She's called twice tonight, said she'd call again later. I had to answer it once to let her talk to S4. I'll take this later call tonight because we're in good spirits.

[Lotus]

The trip to the woods sounds like it was good for you. I assume you live somewhere that is both cool and wet, because I'd hate to see you start a wildfire with your campfire! Anyway, keep up the camping. It is good for you and takes you away from all her drama. Two benefits from just one action!

[gutwrenching]

You sound a little better, that is good. But please keep your expectations real low. Things are easy/good right now, but because none of us can mind read, you don't know why.

So enjoy being off the roller coaster for a bit and continue to relax, but don't much stock into talks of MC. It could be genuine or it could be a "show" to demonstrate how she tried it all...or it could be something entirely different.

Still rooting for you

[john28]

Things have been good the past few days, they really have. After she initiated an R talk the other night and asked me to come see her (which she hasn't since she moved out) the air around us is a little different. I don't know how to explain it, but a little bit of the tension is gone and you can feel some love trying to break through.

She suggested last night that we all go to the pumpkin patch together this weeked, something we've always done as a family. It's the first thing she's asked me to do as a family in about a month.

I don't know what her motivations or intentions are of going to MC after Mediation is over. I can not tell if it is to placate me to go to mediation, or that she wants to work on the relationship. If it is to work on the relationship, I'm not sure if that means working on our issues to be friends again, or to work on our M. I just am not sure... and I'm begging myself not to ask her.

The exact words she said were: "I need to go to mediation first and get this settled so that I know that I am guaranteed a place to live and a car if I need it. I do not trust that you can meet those needs for me and I can not come home. After mediation is done, I'd be willing to go to MC and work on our issues and our R."

She has a point, really. I have been standing in the way of mediation and in all honesty have not been supporting her moving out of the house and taking my money. I've done things like said that I would get the house appraised again so that there wouldn't be as much equity in it. Said the washer/dryer was a gift from my parents. Things like that which are true, but she doesn't want to hear, and she sees "more of the same" selfish behavior from me.

Mediation is today in about 6 hours. I'm really nervous about it, but she doesn't know that I won't sign separation papers today. I think that she is expecting me to, but I will not until I run them by my L. She also doesn't know that I have a L.

I saw her this morning when I dropped S4 off at her place, and she gave me a couple of good hugs where she initiated. We'll see what today brings.

[soleil]

Hey John,

Good on not signing anything. At the end of mediation, tell her you would like some time to review/think over the things discussed and will get back to her.

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less.

[john28]

Headed to mediation shortly. I have a feeling that this non-tense aura that we have is about to be obliterated. I think she's in for a shock at mediation of what I'm legally obligated to do for her in regards to support and alimony. Plus, I won't be signing anything today.

So, I anticipate she's going to come out there with the "you won't support me, you're selfish again" attitude. I'm almost certain it's going to be like that.

And, a bunch of tears on her part too. Wish me luck. I have a feeling this may be the last time that my W is caring towards me again.

[TimeHeals]

So, I anticipate she's going to come out there with the "you won't support me, you're selfish again" attitude. I'm almost certain it's going to be like that.

What difference does it make? The law is the law, her feelings are her feelings, etc. Nothing you can do changes that stuff anyway.