Discussion of the LBS cycles

[MHL]

I am moved to start a discussion on how the LBS cycles. There has been some healthy thought provoking discussion on my thread however as I read other threads I see other LBS’s going through these cycles also.

I know I personally have gone from feeling like I was “done” 5 to 6 weeks ago to a feeling of still being very much “in love” with my W a couple of weeks ago and I would say today I am somewhere in between.

I read other’s threads and it seems as I start to see that some of us have hit the 1 year mark or are approaching it we start to experience feelings that vacillate between anger/sadness/love/happiness. I even see that there are posters that have been around for even longer and still experience this cycling as they interact with their MLC spouse or X spouse as the case may be.

Is the cycling a symptom of being “stuck” ?

As we cycle are the feelings the same as find ourselves moving back to a place where we have been before? Do the feelings have the same intensity?

Is the cycling an indication that we need to “look” a little deeper at ourselves or maybe we have not been honest with ourselves?

How often do you cycle? Is there an external trigger that moves you between feelings?

I am just throwing this out there for anyone to share what they are experiencing or give their 2 cents.

Cheers

[PEI]

I'm in ... great thread idea ...

but I'll have to save my longwindedness for this afternoon ...

I'm thinking about it already

PEI

[Truegritter]

Hey great idea.

This may be in the resources but I have it in my little cheat sheet.

This is from that splendid bugger Lost For Words:

My thoughts on the LBS stages;

Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me?

Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!

Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision.

Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty.

Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within.

Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.

Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves.

Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not.

Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves.

Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.

[MHL]

Grit,
I had not seen that from Lost.

As I have had a little more time to reflect this morning on this, I wonder about this part here.....

You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys.

Given the time involved for MLC, and the journey that the MLCer really has to take, could it be that for the LBS to really move through these stages or to stop the cycling your MLC spouse has to come out of the "fog". Or put differently, how much of our journey is tied to theirs?

I am in no way suggesting that we are not on our own journey here, however as previously discussed on my thread my W is no where near done "cooking" probably just put in the oven based on some things in the past couple of weeks. So, I continue my stand and I find myself cycling in the stance so to speak, to use cadet's analogy, a plane circling the airport waiting for clearance to land.

[LanceSijan]

This may be in the resources but I have it in my little cheat sheet.

No that is not in the resources, it is in the Stages of the LBS(Work thread for Jack - LBS Stages)
that Cadet started and posts the link on all the newbies threads.

FTR I do not believe that cycling means you are stuck.
But I welcome the discussion and would like to see what everyone else thinks.

[warriorshadow]

Im in too. How can I not be. I am going to be a LBS for a long

time. I am pretty much convinced it will be at least 2 years. I

am allowed to change my expectations at any time. So meanwhile,

it makes sense to be here.

[Cadet]

Here is the link that Lance refered to:

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

I guess the question is the cycling a movement through the stages, or part of the movement through the stages, or is it separate from the LBS journey?

[cat04]

Given the time involved for MLC, and the journey that the MLCer really has to take, could it be that for the LBS to really move through these stages or to stop the cycling your MLC spouse has to come out of the "fog". Or put differently, how much of our journey is tied to theirs?

Although this is possible and our journey is tied to theirs, it does not have to be the deciding factor.

Cycling, the one year mark, being done or not...

All very good thoughts...

Truth is, it is very normal at the one year mark to begin to question your stand...

Because you are just really beginning to realize that this stuff takes TIME.

And it has already been a YEAR.

Yes you hear it, you read it, but when you are not in too different a place with your S after a year, you begin to really feel it.

The difference, is you are different. You are beginning to live.

I have to wonder, instead of worrying about being done or standing...

What if we were to just live?

For a while. Just live. With yourself.

[Mach1]

BALANCE


I think that is the word you may be looking for at this time.

Around the one year mark.......???

Finding that balance between what you have lived, and what you THINK you should live.

People around you are questioning your stand, and very few understand the want or need to do this.

You see them in the grocery line, in bank, ( or for Eric...in the Lingerie section at Wal-Mart ).

They are bitter, they are angry, they are screaming at their kids....

Not knowing why they are...just doing it.

If you asked any one of them, you may get the same answer , of WHY are you standing ?

Do you not have any self-pride ?

They are the people who don't get you, and what you are standing for.

That standing is the opposite of not having pride.

They are the collective Parliament of Bitterville. They are not bad people, and many of them could easily be your bestest buddy.

Truth is, they do not define you or your standing for you.

Many times it has been said here to NOT rush your own growth. The result ? It can be seen in a lot of these "done or not done" post that have been flying around here lately.

Standing is and has always been FOR the LBS.

Stick a toothpick in any pan of Brownies, and if it comes out "wet" ???

It takes as long as it takes.

Take the time to find that balance.

All marriages are worth standing for. Some make it through, some don't. It is a shame that they all don't.

For those who have done/doing the work...Enjoy that time with yourself, you just found you again.....

At that one year mark, most people feel the need to prove that they are ready....ready to get out and prove that we are ready to put ink to paper.

Truth is ? There is still healing that needs to happen. For us, the LBS.

I would say that I learned more from year one to where I am now than I did from B-Day to the year one mark.

And although it was ROUGH learning it....Learning how to APPLY it took way more work.

I made the decision early that I would give myself two years. Not as a timeline, rather as a guide for me. That I would grow and learn and understand all that I can. To find out who I am. And at the end of those two years, then I would be in a better place, so that I COULD make better decisions regarding myself.

Year one pressure.....What does it mean to you ?

You know the answers, all you have to do is ask the right questions.....

[handlingplanb]

I haven't posted much with my new name. I'm lurking. Still learning.

I've been here almost 3 years.

Cycling.

Stuck.

I believe in the LBS stages. I'm living them and feel that at this point - this far in, I teeter between resentment and acceptance.

I think (IMO) that whether the LBS's journey is tied to the MLC'er depends on the individual and how far they get in the progression of stages before they cycle back. I think if I could truly break in to acceptance and fully embrace self-growth/renewal I would get "un-stuck" and not care where my H is in his journey. I almost wrote that I must not be a strong person----that being stuck was a weakness----but I am not weak.

I stand because I am strong.

I stand because I believe in my M.

I still love my H.

I do not want my family to live the reality of divorce.

I've been here long enough that I've seen a lot of wonderful LBS'ers make the break and move forward and separate from their MLC'ers craziness----they save themselves----and some even save their M in the process. I have seen plenty that stay stuck, tied to their spouses journey and then disappear. I hope some day to break free.

As for me, I met my H when I was 14. I have defined myself as a part of him for 30 years. I have made a lot of progress, but I haven't been able to get un-stuck. I haven't found that "off" switch in my heart to turn off the love I have for my H.

I once made the claim that I thought my problem was the young age at which I met H and what he was to me.......and that I thought it had to be much harder for me than someone that met their spouse after they had fully matured and became "their own person." But I know now that isn't the case....this is on ME......and I own the fact that I didn't grow in to my own person. I own the fact that I don't know who I am. I just don't know how to find ME.....but I'm willing to do the work with help and am looking for the right (professional)person to help me.

I let myself be defined by my H and my M. I lived that way and would have been content to live that way for the rest of my life. Happy? Couldn't have been, but content to live the life my mother lived----because I followed in her footsteps. Knowing this is progress.

My H enters MLC.....or maybe not.....maybe he's just trying to break free and be his own person since he was only 16 when we met.....How he made the break looks like MLC to me, so that's how I've labeled it.

My whole reality and view of what I thought was real has been turned upside down. I'm 44 years old, faced with the fact that I don't know who I am (other than the best mom I can be). Still. I don't know how to become my own person. I don't know how to just live......but I guess am, and I am surviving. Factor in ALL of the responsibilities that are mine and how much time I have to work on ME......and I stay stuck.

What I do know is that my 3 kids are my life and they will ALWAYS come first. What I want for them may contribute to my stuck-ness.....I don't know.

GAL? Yeah, I've worked on that....when I can, and I've made baby steps there. I am doing better with detachment....it gets easier with time. I still have a lot of anger. I am angry with where I am at (stuck). I am angry with my H and how DETACHED he is.....detached from me, our home, anything to do with me----except our kids.

My biggest regret is what has happened to my family and I know that THIS is not what they deserve. I have accepted the role I had in the demise of my marriage. I do not, and cannot accept that it is irrepairable. I have anger about this too.

Like I said, I'm cycling.

I'm stuck.

I'm a work in progress. I am handling "plan B" as best I can. I want nothing more than to come out of all of this and be grateful for the "experience." I fully believe it can happen. I know I need this.

I have read the success stories----I know what DB is all about and I hope to complete my cycle before another 3 years pass......I am very tired............