Just wanted to add my congrats too BD! So pleased for you, only occasionally looked in your thread, but as you said each way back is different, we all know our WA's so we need to adapt to suit the job..
Piecing isnt terribly busy, you can always use the active topics/posts button to see whose posted on other forums!
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hey Newmama, I was in Infedelity but have moved back into Newcomers. Will post the link on your thread.
My status? Heck, I don't know either?
We are still legally married - not legally seperated - but I think WH is recovering his strenght before he hits me with D papers. He sees the papers as just that, papers...
How did your first date go? What did you two do? How did it end?
I have my first date tomorrow night with my WAW. We still live apart. thank you in advance, gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Hi friends!!! Things are the same... Moving slow (too slow for my tast) but its good. Gr8! How was your date???!!! We went to dinner had a great time, nothing more really. Like I said. Really slow. H still didn't move back home, and partially my doing. I don't want him back simply bc of the baby. I need a hubby, not a nanny!!! LR, thanks for checking in! I'm happy to be here... Just want to move a little faster! Lol.
We started MC several weeks okay... Great one! And I looked at her library and was so happy to see DR by MWD sitting on her shelf! Well, we each had separate sesions and meet again as a couple in two weeks... H is a shy, insecure boy. He wasn't always, but he is now. I get scared... A lot. And I push away. I can't help it.
We had a wonderful thanksgiving with my family, and the little one!!! Wow, if I only knew how happy he wwouldve made me, I probably wouldve been ok when H left! Not really tho.
Piano, NM, Gatsby... Miss you girls! I agree with your analogy P. I miss all of our chats. I am checking in on my phone but want to see what's going on with all of you too. How are the babies!!!! The boy is 4 1/2 months and is so so so cute!!! Having the best time!
Sorry I'm not on here as much as I'd like to... Part of me is so busy with just life and the other part has a hard time looking back and remembering what I went through, and all of you too. New years day is one year that H moved out... And he dropped the bomb days before christmas, and I can't help but think of all of that every day.
Forgiving is easy... Forgetting is nearly impossible for me... Just need to get past it all. I need to start realizing that I deserve to be happy! MC suggested a new boy for me "Guilt is the teacher, love is the answer" just ordered it from barnesandnoble.com. Like I have time to read! But I will...
Miss you all so much!!!
Peicing... Not easy. Long lonely boring road. But I want to work things out and H does too. We just have a lot to go over in MC. I am not sure H is fully aware of the impact his leaving had on me. Well, that's all for now. Huge hugs to all of you.
Please continue to send positive vibes my way... And I'll do the same in return!
Hey gals! BD good to hear you! I can imagine it's tough rebuilding the love ...have faith! I will send you a message on the alt. My thread is locked and not sure if I will start a new one. We'll see!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Gr8! How was your date???!!! We went to dinner had a great time, nothing more really. Like I said. Really slow. H still didn't move back home, and partially my doing. I don't want him back simply bc of the baby. I need a hubby, not a nanny!!!
BD,
Our date went well. We have had a lot of positive interaction this past week.
We are moving slow with this. We talk about events and share our thoughts, and for right now we both agree that we should continue to have one on one time and not attend any family or friends' functions together.
Quote:
Whether back with our H's(W's) or starting a new life w/o him, its hard
It certainly is.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Sorry I havent been writing... for a while things were pretty steady and nothing new to say. We started MC and I immediately liked her a lot. She had DB or DR on her book shelf and she praised us for working at our M and went on and on about how it is the best scenario for a child, blah blah blah. We then went to meet with her individually so that she could learn about where we come from and what we are like individually. On our first session she flat out asked us how we met, what happened, what we wanted next, and if we loved each other. H seemed pretty happy, and said yes i love her, not the same way i did when we married but i do and i want to work at it. And so we did. Turns out, that I am afraid of D because I saw my parents have a rocky relationship for 31 years and in the end dad left my mom. and so whenever I felt insecure about our relationship i would say harsh things to push H away, still do. I was told I need to bite my tongue. I already knew that... just how do i do that! I think H knows exactly how to trigger me! H on the other hand realized that he never had a close relationship with his mother nor his sister and because of his parents dull marriage where his father didnt treat his mother with equal respect etc he is now repeating his father's behavior and never had a relationship with any woman, (mother sister etc.) and so he doesnt know how to have a relationship with me either. Im not sure how much i buy into what she is saying. She doesnt quite get that the H she sees now is not the H i married! He and I were best friends and did everything together and had the best love. Ok, so maybe I was blind.
We learned basic comminication techniques, and to be honest I wasnt sure if we were even at that point yet. I still carried a lot of hurt bc of what H did to me. H still carried a lot of hurt and guilt over what he did to me. After that session i vowed to go back the next session and say ok i understand you dont want to get into the he said she said stuff, and that digging the past wont help, but to a certain extent, we are two people in need of desperate help.
Normal everyday interactions... H was at "our/my" house every single day. We spent every wakeful moment together. We had dinners together every night. we attended parties and dinners out with family and friends togetehr as a couple. H didnt move back home. I asked why or when and his response was always I dont want to come back until we fix our issues bc i dont want to fall into a trap and get comfortable with the way we were... so i felt like we were starting from scratch. MC asked him and he replied the same, i saw in her face she was thinking someothing else.
Over the past month, H started to get down on himself again... i confronted him and said he was depresses and needed help and perhaps needed to go some sort of antidepressent. he agreed. i began noticing that he was withdrawing from what had now become quite normal for us... went home early, was short with me when i asked questions, started to become mopey and sad with a very bleek outlook on life. I actually was becoming really upset with him. In the past few weeks, I also closed my business, because operating a small business in this economy is entirely too difficult and we were drowning. This didnt add to H's depression at all! he was upset because of the many friends he lost along the way. Says he feels such a gap between us because of his leaving and isnt sure we can get it back. he told me he has doubts, to which at first i did not react soo nicely to. After talking with a friend she said just think of how many relatioships have doubts... its quite normal. So i tried to wrap my head around the idea that doubts are part of the process. And whenever things didnt go as I had hoped i had to remind myself that we were separated and things could and would not change overnight.
I confronted H and basically said that I deserved better, and wasnt going to set myself up to got through heartache again... and as i talked, he went deeper and deeper into his dark hole. Well, I may be the anti-prescription for a depressed person. I am not saying it is my fault, i just dont help at all. but i started to have a familiar sickening feeling in my gut... something wasnt right. He went to the MC alone because he said he was depressed and needed to talk to someone and "it doesnt involve you" and when i questioned if it had to do with us or me or our R his answer was "not everything is about you". So i trusted him and let it go.
last week, he told me that "we" "us" are "too much work" and he doesnt think its going to work. Bomb #2
I knew he had a MC appointment set up for "us" and so I showed up and the MC was shocked to see me. Said she thought i bailed on the M since he went alone the week before... I said didnt he tell you that I wanted to go and H said he needed to go alone and i thought i was respecting his privacy. This session did not go smoothly. Seems like MC has had it and could care less about our R. She is only interested in H and I understand that depression takes on more importance, but it was as if she had formuilated opions of me, and i felt extremely uncomfortable. I spoke my peice! I told her I wanted to fix things but I was not going to go back to the place I suffered through last year when I was PG. It was too hard. And that H needs to figure out if he wants me in his life or not. It not fair that H starts to get depressed and sad and started treating me as if i am a burden.
She basically scolded us and said you either decide to make it work and its going to be really hard, because I am too heated and H is too cool, and I speak to much and H is too passive, (wasnt always this way), or get divorced. She said it just like that. then went on to say how the baby would be fine (which he will be) and that 1/3 of all public school students are from divorced families, and tried to play it off as if it were normal or ok to do with out trying. I was so angry. If she felt this way then why was she a MC? and why would she be married to a MC? shouldnt they want two people to TRY!!! being civil and cordial and friendly doesnt constitute "trying". H never kissed me and we never had sex, and its not as if we were just about us...guess its hard w a new baby, but like i mentioned in earlier posts, i wamted things to happen quicker than he had. he says now he really did have every intention of making things work. but he is not happy, and it obviously isnt me, because even when i wasnt around he wasnt happy, he feels insecure, lack of confidence, etc, and so on. So he called it quits.
I handed him the signed divorce papers... and he agreed it is the best thing. I am truly devastated and heartbroken, but i refuse to let it take over my life... been there... done that... and i have a baby boy to take care of now! how is any of this fair to him! He told me last night that what i signed was the acceptance not the actual divorce papers... whatevs... all the same sh!t to me. Part of me truly believes its over... in part bc I wont stand around for more BS. and because I deserve better. I dont deserve this. H is beyond depressed... and i told him he should have gotten help a year ago when I told him he was. Weeks ago i said perhaps we should each go to our own therapy sessions with other shrinks and continue MC together, because we each have our own issues. He said it was a smart idea.
Now he says he knows he will regret everything... but he is only wanting to take care of himself right now. He went from being a hands on father, here every minute, to leaving me like a single mom with a dad who visits. My inlaws showed up the other night when they learned of all this... they were in tears... we had just spent the holidays togetehr and everything. They are also aware of H's depression as he told them too.
My thing is... why didnt he say I need to fix myself and take care of myself, and then work on us... or take care of both at the same time. Why back out on me again, and say you know you are going to regret it. yet he still wants to do everything together as a familty for the baby and wants me in his life as a friend.
I signed the consent/D papers because I needed to let him go. Not as a means to show him I am serious but to whole heartedly let H go to grow up and heal himself. Whats the saying... if you love someone set him free...
So that;s it. A year ago I couldnt breath. And now a year later I am lot stronger... the pain is still the same intensity, and the tears are a lot less, I have a baby to care for and a WH who I care do deeply for that is in a deep state of depression... but im still standing... although my knees are always buckling.
Now what...
i let go. I truly let go. I never thought i could. I didnt want to. maybe one day I will blame myself for doing so. But this isnt just about me. I needed to. So why does it hurt so badly.
and she praised us for working at our M and went on and on about how it is the best scenario for a child, blah blah blah. We then went to meet with her individually so that she could learn about where we come from and what we are like individually. On our first session she flat out asked us how we met, what happened, what we wanted next, and if we loved each other. H seemed pretty happy, and said yes i love her, not the same way i did when we married but i do and i want to work at it. And so we did.